


The Other Side Of You

by shadyhon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, He also has an eyebrow piercing, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Hyungwon Does Tattoos, Hyungwon is a chill dude, M/M, Minhyuk just needs the right people to thrive, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, disgustingly whipped, hopelessness, minhyuk is whipped, teenagers in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:40:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 74,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25632214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadyhon/pseuds/shadyhon
Summary: Life doesn't seem to welcome Minhyuk, yet he still tries to fight his demons every day as good as he can even though there seems to be nothing worth living for. At least not until he meets Hyungwon, a young orphaned boy, who shows him the bright side of life.Warning: This story mentions unhealthy coping mechanisms, depression and psychological abuse, if you feel uncomfortable, please don't read this. Nevertheless, this story is focused on healing and hope.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Minhyuk, Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 53
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alielle (TheKitteh)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKitteh/gifts), [joohonning](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joohonning/gifts).
  * Inspired by [the soft side of sharp](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23802559) by [Alielle (TheKitteh)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKitteh/pseuds/Alielle). 



_Fuck._ _  
_ _  
_

He had been prepared for a bad outcome of his latest politics test but the grade on the paper surpassed his already extremely low expectations - if there had been any in the first place. It wasn’t like he hadn’t studied, in fact, he had spent hours and hours reading through his papers, and the chapter of his books had written notes down over and over again to get a glimpse of the world of politics. Although as soon as he had sat in class, looking at the questions on the test sheets in front of him, his head had remained empty, unable to recall even the slightest information about the topic.  
_  
_

_Who needs politics anyway? It doesn’t make any sense after all._ _  
_ _  
_

His teacher gave him one of those _I know you can do better_ looks, surrounded by the chit-chatting of the other students of his class, getting ready to go home, looking forward to their short two-week vacation break. Of course, he could have done better if it was something that actually made sense to him, was logic, and convinced him of being greater than himself - like algebra or the great mystery about the purpose of life. It had nothing to do with reality but made so much sense inside his head, and was even meditative when he challenged himself to find a solution for a certain problem. There always was a way, an answer for x, unfortunately finding possible answers for x wasn’t that easy in real life, as humans and simple human interactions were much more complicated to understand.  
  


_But you’re good at copying and showing them what they want._ _  
_ _  
_

It was true that most of the time he had no idea what he was feeling and acted on the emotions he had learned others wanted to see from him as a response, living in the narrative of his own world almost his whole life. He loved watching people, their behavior in certain situations and it made him a perfect actor inside his own life. In class, he often observed the other students, witnessed girls crying over boys breaking up with them after only two weeks - in his opinion a questionable period of time to actually get to know someone and fall in love with them. On rare occasions, when he was outside all by himself or hanging with friends, his mind was trying to figure out other people’s agendas, which might motivate them to do certain things. Though, nobody was asking him anyway.

However, when people asked him what he wanted to do with his life, what career he wanted to build he had absolutely no clue what answer to give. If he judged by the things he loved doing, then he would probably be an artist or a dancer. He loved spending his free time sketching and dared to imagine himself being a famous and loved artist someday.  
  


_Wouldn’t it be cool to be a tattoo artist? Or maybe a rockstar, though you can’t even play any instrument._ _  
_ _  
_

The dream of being a professional dancer had long died, especially since he swallowed the bitter pill that there were kids out there getting all the support they needed from a very young age. Their parents would bring them to their classes, making sure they get the best teachers, participate in competitions, and build their careers. For him though, there was no support system waiting at home and his own family had waited over a month before they went to the doctor with him after he had hurt his knee badly in dance practice when he was fourteen. Even after having surgery, the damage was done and by now only a light scar on his right knee reminded him of his shattered dreams.  
  


Minhyuk was fully aware of walking on a thin line between reality and dreams when he packed his backpack and walked out of school that day - actually he was pretty much aware of it every single day of his life. Nevertheless, no matter how hard he tried to kill his dreams inside his head, there was one invisible part of him still being hopeful. He could only wonder what kept him going every single day.  
  


_You’re not wanted and you have no idea what to do with your life._ _  
_ _  
_

In a world full of monsters it’s hard to actually see the beauty in the little details drawn by fairy tales. 

The whole world was made out of monsters and small, but also wonderful creatures, fireflies, fairies, sparkling in the night like little wonders of nature. They sang their songs, only audible in the wind blowing the wind chime, and only a few could understand the words behind as only a few people on earth were able to understand the language of dreams.

Magic happens in fairy tales. Princes came to rescue the damsel in distress from the terrifying, monstrous creatures hiding in the shadows. It was all ending in a beautiful gown, with a wedding in a huge castle and living happily ever after. There was always hope, always patience, and the possibility of rescue. However, there were also dark forests cutting off the sunlight, making you dizzy, and once you hopelessly lost your way, it slowly made you disappear in the fog of your own mind until you become part of the forest yourself.  
  


Silence welcomed him when he opened the door to the apartment where he lived alone with his mother. His parents had divorced when he had been around a year old. His mother had had all rights to do so as most of the people in town had already known about the affair his father had had with another married woman, who’d also left her husband to be with him. People were hurting each other all the time, trying to make things work even though they had no common ground, no future together in the first place.  
  


_And you have the unpleasant honor of being born._ _  
_ _  
_

The realization always hit him that neither would he be saved by a prince in shining armor nor was there any magic worth talking about - or a happy ending. He was part of the dark forests, the misery that was his everyday life and there seemed no way to end it. Seven pale scars on his left arm were silent witnesses of the measurements Minhyuk had taken to restrict his own feelings from overwhelming him. Despite being good at copying pleasant and wanted emotions, he was unable to cope with his own negative ones so he was _cutting_ them away. At first, it had been a joke amongst his friends in junior high school, daring each other to cut the back of their hand with small glass shards they had found near an old construction building.  
  


A harmless test of courage had become a common practice for Minhyuk, exchanging emotional misery with physical pain. It had never been about getting attention from others, showing off the scars to his mother or his teachers, friends, or whoever as a voiceless cry for help, but to fix himself from falling apart. He always took great care of his cuts, disinfected his skin before and after the process, patching it up as if to tell himself _I got you_ .  
  


Feeling the pain and seeing the blood leaving the cut, covering his milky skin allowed him to take a deep breath, stopped the world from spinning for a moment, and made him feel numb but alive at the same time - as long as the wound itched his skin.  
  


_But are you?_ _  
_ _  
_

The clock showed half-past six and his mother would usually come home around 8 p.m. so he had the whole apartment for himself, every day except for the weekends and if Minhyuk had been a stereotypical seventeen-year-old boy it would have meant having friends over all the time, enjoying his youth and make stupid mistakes. Instead, Minhyuk walked over to the kitchen after kicking off his trainers, throwing his backpack in his room, and prepared coffee before checking the insides of the freezer.  
  


“Pizza it is,” he mumbled to himself as he took out the package, unwrapped the deep-frozen food that was probably questionably low on healthy ingredients and placed it into the oven. After setting the right temperature, he switched the TV on, sitting down on his bed to make his homework. Yes, he could have been a normal teenager rebelling against the world, smoke, drink, have sex and breaking hearts just like his classmates, instead, he tried to stay on track, doing his homework and hopefully pass his final highschool exams - even though he had no idea what to do next.  
  


He was by far not happy with his life, especially since he rarely felt alive, seen, valued, and had no idea why he was working so hard to get his high school degree when he hasn’t even taken any entrance exams to seal off his next step.  
  


_You’ll figure it out._ _  
_ _  
_

There was still some time and he could actually discuss it with his boyfriend when he was visiting him over the weekend. Right, as if he hadn’t been a failure in his mother’s eyes before, he had outed himself as gay when he was thirteen not knowing that it would blow off like a punch into his face. It turned out that his family and society wasn’t that welcoming for homosexuality, though, Minhyuk still hadn’t figured out why. Wasn’t love supposed to be a positive feeling everyone was longing for? Why was the gender of two individuals falling in love concerning other people?  
  


_They say it’s unnatural._ _  
_ _  
_

Without having any intentions to do so, Minhyuk was already rebelling against the world, with his bright Bordeaux-red dyed hair, his sexual orientation, and probably the mere fact of being alive - even though his mother always claimed that she loved him, had wanted him. 

Although there was just a huge difference between the existence of spoken words and practical actions and no matter how much Minhyuk tried to read her, to understand her actions she remained a heavy book with blank pages to him. He was so attached to her or rather the thought of honoring this piece of a family he had no matter how much it dragged him down as if slowly drowning him in his own blood in the middle of the dark forest where nobody would find him.  
  


She had promised to go shopping with him this weekend and once again he was following her voice through the misty fog, leaving the safe path behind, believing her words even though he should have known better by now. Minhyuk seemed to be waiting, always waiting for someone to actually need him, remaining motionless and a blank page himself.  
  


_But your boyfriend likes you._ _  
_ _  
_

Yes, he could endure walking through the unknown as there was at least one person who liked to be with him - if there hadn’t been the problem that his boyfriend lived six hours away and they only stayed in contact over social media and occasional phone calls.  
  


Thoughtfully, Minhyuk spun the pen between his long slender fingers, looking down on the math problems in his book, looking over to the TV, showing the top 100 music charts he wasn’t really interested in but gave him some kind of white noise in the background. A shrill sound coming from the kitchen announced the completion of his coffee so he got up to pour himself a cup, enjoying the rich aroma wafting into his nose. It always gave him a slight impression of safety and home when he could sit down with a cup of coffee in the afternoon, solving his problems and getting some junk food into his slim body.  
  


Every once in awhile Minhyuk would check his phone, hoping for a message of his boyfriend - desperately, as if he was the only one he could actually rely on and the only person that could give his life meaning and a purpose. Minhyuk would do everything for him, even though he wasn’t treated as well as one would think he would be.  
  


_But it doesn’t matter, does it?_ _  
_ _  
_

Foolish as he was, Minhyuk prepared his mother’s dinner when it was almost time for her to come home, just some rice and chicken breast, nothing fancy. He had already placed her wine bottle in the freezer for a short while because that was how she liked it. Everybody liked his mother, she was hardworking and tough and wasn’t one to spare on her charms when attracting men. However, she also used Minhyuk to feel better, making him look worthless and ungrateful on every possible occasion.  
  


_Don’t be so ungrateful._ _  
_ _  
_

The sound of a key pushing inside the lock came from the door, followed by the said door opening for a short, middle-aged woman with long blond hair. She looked stressed and exhausted when she threw some letters on the sideboard in the hallway, where unpaid bills had already piled up, slipping out of her shoes and jacket walking into the kitchen.  
  


“Ah, you’re cooking?” She looked over to the stove, rubbing her neck and looking for a bottle of wine.  
  


“It’s for you,” Minhyuk said and immediately stepped over to the freezer to pull out the bottle of wine, placing it on the kitchen table. “I set it cold already.”  
  


“You’re such a sweet boy.” It came out as a relief, a mere sigh as she reached for the bottle first, opening it, before taking a glass and filling in the red liquid, taking a long sip from it. Her preference for alcohol had long overstepped the line of indulgence to the extent of addiction and all Minhyuk could do was watch and stay quiet as there was no use speaking his concerns out loud. She’d compare herself to men as it was socially acceptable for them to have a beer every day, so why couldn’t she drink a whole bottle of wine every night?  
  


Minhyuk knew she didn’t mean what she said, yet, he always hoped that maybe, maybe she might look up and ask about his day. But nothing, all he could do was watch her filling her plate, not showing any interest in him and as the foolish boy he was, he just tried to fill the silence with words.  
  


“I got my politics test back today and as expected it’s just not my thing.” He smiled, tried to be cheerful, and lift her mood a bit, giving her a home that took away the weight off her shoulders at least for a few hours.  
  


“The only thing you can learn from politics is that you get away with everything when you’re just corrupt enough. Who cares that I have a diploma and work my ass off to just pay the bills while those assholes just take all the money off my paycheck? This is what you learn in life.” His mother was angry again, pulling her shirt over her head and slipping her bra off to hang it over the kitchen chair, taking her wine bottle, glass, and the plate to walk past him into her bedroom.  
  


“All this work for nothing. Everything just costs money, money, money, and nobody is giving you anything back.” She continued yelling through the apartment, while Minhyuk remained in the kitchen, trying to keep his smile up that slowly crumbled off his face as he put the leftovers inside Tupperware boxes, playing the used kitchenware into the dishwasher. He always felt helpless, unable to do anything, guilty for needing food and shelter from her, not having a job on his own.  
  


“I’ll do better, I promise I- I can look for a job to help you,” he tried again, standing in the open bedroom door, maybe to have the illusion of his mother actually having a conversation with him. He was so desperate and needy for her attention, trying to find a solution so she might actually love him, accept him as her child instead of making her angry all the time.  
  


“Don’t be ridiculous. When will you find time to learn? Do you want me to look like a bad mother for not earning enough money to take care of you? We’ll figure this out, we always did.” She wasn’t looking at him but fumbling with the remote to find the right program to distract her from life at least for a little bit. It wasn’t fair that she always used _we_ as if they were a team when clearly they weren’t even on the same page, nor reading the same book.  
  


“I’ll leave you to it. Sleep well,” Minhyuk said after a long pause, just standing there doing nothing was leading nowhere and only increased the distance between them despite them being here in the same apartment, breathing the same air, sharing the same blood and a surname she had never wanted in the first place, so it was probably better if he went to bed as well, closing the door to his mother’s bedroom after saying good night.

  
  
-  
  


The next morning began like every other Saturday morning and any other day for Minhyuk. He woke up early to take a long shower and get himself ready for a walk with the neighbors’ dog - an elderly couple unable to walk their dog those ten kilometers Minhyuk could walk. They were always so thankful for him offering help and for Minhyuk it was a great excuse to actually leave the house and get some fresh air. Normally he wouldn’t just go out on his own, too uncomfortable of people looking at him even though they might not even be doing it.  
  


_Why do you feel so haunted all the time?_ _  
_ _  
_

It had gotten colder, so Minhyuk buried his nose deeper into his scarf, felt the material of the leash in his gloved hand as he walked away from the residential area over the street and down a small path that led him on a more isolated route to the park near the museum. There weren’t many people outside at this time of the day, sleeping in from their exhausting jobs or just allowing themselves to relax and being lazy once in a while. The soil was slightly frozen and Minhyuk watched with a smile on how his little companion jumped through the fallen leaves excitedly, filling the air with rustling noises. The dog was a dachshund of three years, always energetic and cheeky. Minhyuk could remember that one time he let him off the leash to play with other dogs in the park only for him to run away, greeting Minhyuk happily on the other side of the park as if nothing had happened.  
  


Ever since that day, Minhyuk wouldn’t let him off the leash anymore but played with him, changing the ways to the park every now and then to keep things exciting. He loved the cool, fresh air on his cheeks, the sound of the wind softly swaying the top of the trees, the peaceful scenery that couldn’t be compared to anything else. It was odd but when he was out here, getting the impression that he was all alone, the only human walking along the lake with his companion, Minhyuk felt more at ease than being around people ever allowed him to be.  
  


_How can you feel less alone when you’re actually alone?_ _  
_ _  
_

He didn’t know. All he knew was that it felt good, that he could breathe and forget about his anxiety and all his problems for a little bit and reflect on himself, feeling his body. His mind was at ease and there was no threat of the darkness swallowing him whole any second even though he was always alarmed when he was at home, knowing his mother was unpredictable. Yet, Minhyuk found himself always hoping while at the same time he was always crushed by reality just moments later. _  
_ _  
_

Dongwoo, his boyfriend, hadn't messaged him back the previous day either and Minhyuk already wondered if something had happened, if he had done or said something wrong. He had laid in bed, until late at night scrolling through their conversation, typing another message asking if he was okay, wishing him good night to figure out if it might have been him or if his boyfriend was just really busy.  
  


_What if he’s seeing someone else? It never stops._ _  
_

He didn’t want to think about it, though it was too real, too tangible since it had happened before, and still, Minhyuk had taken him back, afraid of being alone and too used convincing himself that it would get better. People, especially people in relationships, made mistakes all the time, didn’t they? How was one supposed to know when it was actually unforgivable and enough? Maybe he was too clingy again, it had been a problem before and apparently one had to differentiate between sex and relationships as well - especially if one was a gay man.

The social construct of monogamy was apparently of no value in a gay relationship - at least when one asked Minhyuk’s boyfriend. Dongwoo had made it pretty clear that sleeping with only one person was more a straight thing to do and he wasn’t willing to content himself with jerking off only because Minhyuk lived so far away and couldn’t be with him to satisfy his needs.  
  


But was it really just a social construct? Minhyuk could only wonder as he couldn’t find it in him to do the same, as he valued trust, loyalty, and the security of having that one special person he could rely on. Dongwoo was his very first partner and he didn’t want to disappoint him, although he was questioning that Minhyuk was really gay in the first place since Dongwoo was pretty much interested in anyone he could fuck. His boyfriend wasn’t only questioning it, even encouraging him to look out for other people to explore and broaden his horizon, so maybe his own open-relationship-agenda could be justified even more as the only right choice for gay and bisexual men to be in a relationship.  
  


_If it’s the right thing to do and the way you’re supposed to be, then why does it feel so wrong?_ _  
_ _  
_

A tear slowly ran down his cheek and was dragged away by the cold breeze, which pulsed like a vein, a distorted heartbeat in the distance, making Minhyuk wonder if it might have been his own. Truth was, he didn’t really know how he felt, had no name for it, though he could feel that something remained underneath, deep down, unreachable under a heavy cover of numbness. Buried like dreams that had died along the way.  
  


He found himself standing at the bank of the lake staring down the thin layer of ice that floated over the water so effortlessly, before turning his attention on his little companion jumping up to his leg in excitement, laying down into the cold grass as soon as Minhyuk squatted down with a slight smile, scratching his belly.  
  


“Why does it have to be so complicated all the time, hm?” His voice was soft as he caressed the bristly fur of the dachshund, who looked at him so honest, so loyally, puffing in complete satisfaction that for a brief moment the world seemed to be not so bad, okay even. “I wished it could last.”  
  


It never did. After he returned the dog to his owners, Minhyuk went back home, finding that his mother still hadn’t gotten up and neither had his boyfriend texted him back. With a heavy sigh, he slipped out of his coat and shoes, to prepare some breakfast for himself and coffee for his mother, who never ate breakfast - or ever sat down with him to eat and talk to provide at least the illusion of family.  
  


With his cup and bowl of cereal in hand, Minhyuk walked over to his room, grabbing his sketchbook that was placed openly on his desk, turning through the pages filled with studies of everyday objects like the wrinkling of his blankets, his coffee cup standing in pure sunlight casting a long shadow but overall it was full of eyes and lips. He stopped at the latest project he was working on at the moment, just lips so closely together that they were almost touching yet it wasn’t too much and created such an intimate moment that it made Minhyuk’s heart aching. 

He had never been a fan of plump nudity, thirsting over half-naked superstars in various teen magazines like his classmates and whenever he saw similar pictures of his boyfriend, showing off his defined body, all he felt was awe for the aesthetics. Minhyuk appreciated the fine lines creating a full image of a body but there was never anything sexual about it. On the other hand, seeing people in love looking at each other like there was nobody else in the world, holding hands, exchanging soft kisses was something that made his heart beat faster. He believed in romance, in finding someone that just fit, though his beliefs - as so often - seemed to have no place in this world.  
  


_You have to act like it’s really turning you on. It’s not normal that you can’t feel anything and dream of this unrealistic kind of love that doesn’t exist. You have to fit in._ _  
_ _  
_

He really wished he could feel something and just stop feeling so wrong in his own skin, his own life all the time.  
  


Many people, even his mother thought he was talented, yet in the end, it was worth nothing, just lines on paper, which would lead him nowhere and would always remain just that: An imaginary image on a piece of paper. No more, no less.

A sigh got stuck inside his throat as the bedroom door opened and his mother announced her presence and making him shut the sketchbook, hurrying into the kitchen to pour her some coffee, even preparing it with the perfect amount of milk and sugar, so all she had to do was taking her medication and sit down with one of her favorite magazines and coffee to start the day. It was the usual Saturday routine. Every day Minhyuk and his mother spent together was like walking on eggshells, being careful about any word he said, never getting too excited when she actually showed kindness, knowing very well that in the end she wasn’t really paying attention to him, knowing that all her promises were empty ones and her words meant nothing at all.  
  


Dressed in a bathrobe, and probably nothing underneath, as usual, his mother stepped into the kitchen, performing her usual routine and grabbing the cup of coffee Minhyuk had prepared. 

  
“Morning,” she mumbled into the cup and took a sip, instantly grimacing. “It’s almost cold.” Whenever she frowned, a deep wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows, already deep enough to be seen even when her face was relaxed, telling tales of rough times that hadn’t allowed any room for fun or enjoyment.  
  


“I just poured it into the cup,” Minhyuk tried to explain, pretty sure it was because of the milk he had added that came out of the fridge.  
  


“Then maybe the coffee maker is broken. I can’t have this, it’s not even that old.” She put the cup into the microwave to heat it up again, while Minhyuk remained silent, knowing all too well that the outcome would have been pretty much the same if she had prepared the coffee herself. Although, there would have been nobody else to blame but herself, although, since Minhyuk had done it exactly like her, he was the one to blame.  
  


_Why is it never good enough?_ _  
_ _  
_

“Can you drive me to the train station tomorrow?” Whenever Minhyuk asked her for a favor, something he wanted, he felt selfish, bad even for wanting something and he felt his body becoming tense and his heart rate increasing even if he just asked such a simple question, which shouldn’t have been a big deal at all.  
  


“When?” She wasn’t looking at him, taking her warmed-up coffee cup out of the microwave to take another sip, apparently satisfied with the temperature this time.  
  


“Around 1 p.m.” Minhyuk swallowed, looking down on the floor for a moment and felt his hands getting sweaty. Why did he have to need anything? Why did he have to ask for anything?  
  


_It’s not your place to ask for anything from her._ _  
_ _  
_

“Sure, you can’t go by bus, far too inconvenient. Are you seeing that friend of yours again? God, it’s so far away. Do you even think about how worried I am every time you leave? Everything could happen and I won’t be there.” She looked at him intently, shaking her head as if Minhyuk was disappointing her by trying to live his own life, and all he wanted to do was apologizing.  
  


“I’ll take care. Nothing has ever happened,” he said instead, his voice weak and small, knowing very well how pointless it was to argue with her.  
  


“Yet. You never know what people out there are up to.” She looked through the magazines on the kitchen table until she found the one she was looking for. “You can’t trust anyone, and it doesn’t matter how close you think you are with them. They can screw you over at any time. Just look at this shitshow of your father. I should’ve never married him, but everyone told us to.”  
  


Minhyuk didn’t say anything anymore, only hummed to show that he was listening even though it was the same speech as always and he was unable to decipher her, no matter how hard he tried to understand. Was she happy to have him? Did she regret it? Her words said no, yet, her actions screamed so much louder, that her life could have been so much better if she never got married and never had him in the first place.  
  


“We only have us. That’s why we have to take good care of each other.” With her magazine in one hand and her cup in the other one, she walked over into the living room to pursue her Saturday ritual - doing crossword puzzles while drinking coffee before they would go on their shopping trip.  
  


_I don’t know what she is trying to say. Is she holding you responsible for ruining her life? Does she think about how different her life could have been if you’d never been born?_  
  


How was someone supposed to know if they were welcome in this world and had a right to be there, take space, have their opinion and feelings on their own? And was it right to say that someone shouldn’t be alive in the first place? Who made the rules about right and wrong? Welcome and unwelcome? Was it even justified to be given so many years living them in misery while others were taken too early even though they seemed happy?

  
_Am I wasting time? Time someone else could have had to be happy?_

  
Minhyuk tried not to think about it anymore, as he felt the scars on his forearm itch just allowing such thoughts to intoxicate his mind, so far away from the present moment. For now, he would eat his breakfast and hope for the best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up beautiful people? I'm back with another story that was inspired by my beloved Anna and her kiho fic (please check it out!) This story is focusing on Hyunghyuk and how they meet and take in Kihyun later.
> 
> Note that I'm not romanticizing self-harm or abusive behavior in any way, and a lot of this story is coming from my own experiences. I wanted to show that even in the darkest times there's something worth living for even though you might not be able to see it just yet. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forever lost, like flowers of vanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: emotional abuse, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy coping-mechanism (self-harm)
> 
> Please don't read when you're uncomfortable with the topic. Thank you and be safe ❤️

Later that day, during their shopping trip, his mother was in a good mood, encouraging Minhyuk to try on new clothes and bought it for him. She looked like she had fun spending time with him and he couldn’t help that occasions like this always fueled the tiny bit of hope inside of him that his mother indeed loved him, accepted him as her son, that he wasn’t just the unwanted product of an unhappy marriage. Even when they arrived back home, she was enthusiastic to cook for both of them - although in her case cooking meant mostly preparing instant meals. But Minhyuk thought it was okay.   
  


He thought it was okay to live a little longer inside this fairy tale, this false reality that felt too good to be true, that was so rare but made him hope. Hoping for more, hoping for the welcoming and treasuring hug of a family that he was longing for so badly. Whenever they’ve met someone his mother knew, she always looked so proud presenting him, like he was some kind of trophy she could take out of the display case if needed and abandon it when nobody was watching. 

Maybe if he closed his eyes, turning his back on all the wounds she was inflicting on him, maybe it was okay. Often, it happened that Minhyuk was questioning himself, as his mother was very well-liked, so how could it be wrong how she treated him?    
  


_ But it doesn’t feel right. _ _  
_ _  
_

Still, he was living in his fairy tale a little longer, with a smile on his face, helping his mother in the kitchen, enjoying the rare time she doted on him, only him. It felt like he was floating up to the sky, filled with excitement and never-ending gratitude. Only way day alone with his mother in a good mood, made him feel like a little boy again, happily jumping over wide grassland under a blue sky stretching out over the endless horizon.

  
However, his fairy tales never ended with happily-ever-after. No, they ended with him coming to hold in the middle of the picturesque countryside, turning around only to realize that his mother wasn’t walking behind him with a smile, that she had abandoned him yet again, and he was being all alone, looking around in panic for shelter as he lost the ground under his feet and the idyll going down in flames.

The flames came in the form of the doorbell ringing when Minhyuk was unpacking his new clothes in his room. Nothing alarming in the first place, just the announcement of someone stopping by. It could have been anyone. The postman, a neighbor, a person that meant no harm to any of them but Minhyuk stopped what he was doing, his head lifted up in a panic, his heart starting to race, followed by a colony of invisible ants running all over his body.   
  


“Shit. Who could that be now?” He heard his mother cursing in the hallway, hurrying to the door and opening it. The voice of a man forced Minhyuk’s rushing blood to instantly freeze inside his body.   
  


_ Please don’t let him in. Please don’t do this to me.  _ _  
_ _  
_

The man’s voice became louder and the front door was closed behind him. Minhyuk closed the door to his room even though it didn’t feel like he had any kind of control over his body. He felt his world spinning, his breath stuck inside his throat as he turned the key around, slowly sinking down next to the door, making himself as small as possible, with his knees close to his body and his arms wrapped tightly around them.    
  


There it was, the wall of fire waltzing over the green grasslands, coloring the sky in pitch black, suffocating him with the thick smoke burning his lungs until there was nothing left of him. He should have known better. He should have known, hoping for sunshine and a happy ending wasn’t meant to be for him. He should have known that all he deserved was being left alone in his dreamland burning to the ground hopelessly.   
  


_ Why can’t he just die? Why is she always letting him in? _ _  
_ _  
_

As soon as Minhyuk heard his mother’s bedroom door closing, he forced himself to crawl over to his desk, reaching out for his headphones with shaking hands as tears clouded his vision. It took a few failed attempts to start the music on his phone, turning the volume up so high it was almost painful for his ears, but definitely loud enough to stop the familiar noises of the moans and the creaking bed one door down the hall.    
  


He hated being in that state, where it was impossible to do anything, to feel anything else but this numbing fear and overwhelming disappointment, the wish of finally waking up from this nightmare he called his life. Unfortunately, Minhyuk never woke up to his face kissed by the sun, the sound of birds singing outside of his window and loving home. His reality was him lying huddled on the floor, with his body shaking, his tears running uncontrollably down his hot cheeks, and his head spinning from hyperventilation and even the loud noise of the music only became a muffled noise in the pitch-black void. 

The man was his mother's boyfriend or some kind of fuckbuddy she was seeing - next to a few other men she texted but not invited into her home. It was a practice that was going on for years now, almost nine years to be precise and had most shaped his perception of male role models and interpersonal relationships. He had learned that men were cheating, that love didn’t exist and people were just using each other to fulfill certain needs and lust. Moreover, Minhyuk had learned that he became invisible, a burden to his caregiver when she was pursuing her need to feel desirable to men.    
  


In addition, it confronted him with all the things he never wanted to experience in his own loving relationship, yet had led him right into the arms of a man who was using him as well.   
  


_ The way I hate you for being like this! Why can’t you just be normal? Why can’t it just be easy? _ _  
_ _  
_

The problem was possibly not that his mother was sleeping with this man down the hall but the fact that Minhyuk’s hopes and his dream-like beliefs for change were yet again shattered in pieces, leaving only broken promises and the hard truth that he was unwanted, unwelcome.    
  


How often had his mother become angry with him when he had been begging for a bit of her time? How often had she made promises that turned out to be lies all along? How often had she told him that she was busy, had no time for him but made time for all those men she was seeing? And how often was he just standing on the sideline, alone with his shattered dreams scattered around his feet, watching and still reaching out for her as there was no other family left?    
  


Minhyuk didn’t know how long he was lying on the floor, running out of tears to cry and strength to fight against the world that clearly didn’t want him, and saw him as an intruder. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t even hear the music still playing from the headphones as he slowly pushed them off from one of his ears, eavesdropping if it was safe enough without the music jeopardizing his hearing.   
  


Apart from the ringing in his ears resulting from playing music on such a high volume, everything appeared to be quiet. He could hear his heartbeat, his pulse thick and heavy thumping through his carotid arteries and he held his breath to make sure he didn’t miss a noise alarming him of danger. Lying on the floor in the darkness like a wounded animal waiting to get killed, Minhyuk was longing for the pain and the numbness filling his body and the relief that he was indeed still alive.    
  


Slowly his eyes scanned through his room, that by now, was filled with long shadows, illuminated by the streetlamps right in front of his window. Being awake was the hardest challenge when his senses were heightened when he was forced to feel, listen, and endure. Oh, how much he wanted to feel the numbness and fall asleep and wake up somewhere else or never again. In times like this, the wish to end it all and stop wasting precious air and the place another human could have became so overwhelmingly strong that it actually made sense inside his head. Nevertheless, so far he was unable to cut deeper, to end it as some part of him wasn’t ready to go just yet.    
  


_ But for what purpose? Nothing is going to change.  _ _  
_ _  
_

Without making any noise, Minhyuk forced his body into a sitting position, which made black dots dance all over his vision, getting bigger until he felt like collapsing right onto the floor again. It didn’t take long for him to regain a clear vision even though he suddenly felt cold as if someone had just used half of his blood for a sample.    
  


He placed the headphones aside, enjoying the silence for a moment, looking in the dimly lit room for the bottle of water that was as usually placed on his bedside table and emptied it almost in one go as soon as he had reached it, still making sure to not making too much noise - even though it probably wouldn’t have mattered since he wasn’t a ghost.   
  


_ But you feel like one sometimes, like your colors are fading. _ _  
_ _  
_

Biting down his bottom lip, Minhyuk looked over to the drawer where his cutter was placed, running through the process inside his head. He would need alcohol swabs from the bathroom to clean the blade and his skin and bandages to take care of the cut afterward. The bathroom was right between his mother’s bedroom and his own and the thought of stepping outside his room already made a new wave of anxiety wash over him. It was crucial to wait for the right moment, to make sure nobody would see him, hear him, especially not the man that was still there.    
  


His breath felt heavier than before and he took another sip from his water bottle as his mouth had suddenly become immensely dry. Kneeling right in front of his bed, biting his bottom lip more harshly this time, he placed his forehead on the soft mattress, fighting an internal battle with himself. Should he risk it sneaking into the bathroom to make sure his wounds would heal properly or should he risk infection from the non-sterile blade? Minhyuk couldn’t find it in him to jeopardize the healing process, resulting in a new wave of tears running down his cheeks making his body tremble in a mix of anger and helplessness.   
  


_ You’re so weak but you don’t know what else to do. _ _  
_ _  
_

Minhyuk needed to go out there, there was no other choice. Though, right when he made up his mind to brace himself leaving his room to get the disinfectant, his phone was vibrating on the bed.    
  


For a moment he was in shock, feeling the rush of the sudden noise cutting through the silence like a knife. Wiping his tears away with his sleeve, Minyhuk scanned his bed to locate his phone to check who was calling him.    
  


_ Dongwoo. _ _  
_ _  
_

Clearing his throat quickly, and sitting up in a more composed position, he took the call as it was rare enough that Dongwoo was calling him out of the blue and Minhyuk hoped that his boyfriend wasn’t going to cancel their meeting - especially on such short notice.    
  


“Hey! What a surprise.” Minhyuk tried to sound cheerful, hoping his voice didn’t sound too nasal and hoarse.   
  


“Were you already asleep? You sound like it,” Dongwoo said and Minhyuk could hear some rustling in the background, probably indicating that he was getting comfortable on the couch.    
  


“Oh, no. I- I was just getting some designs done and was so focused.” If Minhyuk had learned anything in his life then that it was a constant construct of lies to make people stay by his side, disfiguring himself beyond recognition that he couldn’t really tell how he was really feeling deep inside - and especially not who he was as a person.   
  


“I see.” There was a short pause and Minhyuk knew that Dongwoo wasn’t about to ask about his designs or drawings, he never did, same as he never once came to visit Minhyuk no matter how often he had asked him. Most of the time the reason he wouldn’t come to visit was work or his car, or that simply the timing wasn’t right but Minhyuk believed that Dongwoo didn’t want to meet his mother, that he had spooked him away by telling him about her behavior towards him.    
  


_ You are so fucked up and he doesn’t want to see it. _ _  
_ _  
_

“Anyway, babe, you won’t believe what customers I had to serve today.” Dongwoo quickly moved on, telling him about his day and about his colleagues and his best friend he had met for a little bar hopping at the end of the week - including the detailed description of potential one-night-stand candidates which only increased the tension and the feeling of worthlessness inside of Minhyuk’s body.    
  


He didn’t know what to say, forcing himself to smile and be supportive so as not to get overwhelmed by the powerlessness, the betrayal, and the urging pulse inside his mind that shouted at him to do something. All he felt was pain, poisoning him deep down his roots, and all he wanted to do was shut his system off, vaccinate himself with the color of red that would prevent him from fading away entirely.    
  


It became really hard to focus on Dongwoo’s voice when he suddenly heard the creaking of his mother’s bed again speeding up his heartbeat in mere seconds in a mixture of shame and fear. With his boyfriend on the phone, it wasn’t possible to shut out the noises coming from the bedroom and protect his body from reacting.    
  


_ Please don’t. _   
  


Confronted with his mother’s get out of hand sexuality had led to him developing a very odd perception of his own. The photos he had to take of his mother from a very young age, the toys and magazines he had found when he was young had confronted him with the world of adults and intimacy way too early. What had followed was confusion, shame, and the ongoing horror whenever he heard the creaking of his mother’s bed and the moans which made him hard without wanting it. And right at this moment with Dongwoo on the phone, it did so too.    
  


“Hey, are you still listening?” Dongwoo asked over the phone and Minhyuk swallowed harshly, feeling his cheeks burn as he tried to press one hand into his crotch for some friction. All he wanted to do was to sink into the ground and make it stop immediately. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, without the romance, the love, and the deeper connection. Minhyuk refused to believe that it was just this ugly mass of bodies connecting and yet he couldn’t prevent the erection he had, that was getting more and more painful the louder his mother begged to get fucked.    
  


“My mother’s boyfriend is here and they’re having sex,” Minhyuk said eventually trying to play it cool even though he wasn’t feeling it at all, walking down a dark and poorly lit road, populated with monsters hiding in the shadows that would sooner or later rip him apart.   
  


“For real tho?” Dongwoo sounded excited. “Damn, your mother is really something. A real MILF, right? I think my parents haven’t fucked in ages. Are you hard right now? Does it turn you on?”    
  


Minhyuk had told him at the beginning of their relationship how confused it made him feel but Dongwoo had simply dismissed it as puberty confusion and was more interested in the fact that it made him hard as the fact that it made him incredibly uncomfortable and ashamed. Furthermore, the feeling hadn’t changed in all those years and neither had Dongwoo’s ignorance.   
  


“Yes,” he whispered embarrassed into the phone, pressing his hand harder against his crotch, rubbing over the fabric of his jeans to get more friction against his painful erection. He just wanted it to stop, he just wanted it to feel good and escape into his dream world where everything was different, brighter, vibrant, and peaceful. 

  
“Fuck. Let’s switch to video calls and have some fun ourselves. Would be a waste, wouldn’t it?” Minhyuk didn’t really felt what he was doing anymore, as if he had left his body and was just standing by to watch what he was experiencing after he had switched the small lamp on the bedside table on for Dongwoo to even see anything over the camera - hoping his eyes didn’t look too swollen and he was acting convincing enough to not disappoint him. After all, his boyfriend wouldn’t have accepted any  _ no _ as an answer.   
  


_ It’s all so pointless. _   
  


He saw himself sitting down on the bed undressing, touching himself, and showing Dongwoo whatever he wanted to see while the older man showed him his body as well. However, for Minhyuk it didn’t feel right, not like this, cold and distant without having any connection. No warm kiss on his lips and no hands slowly exploring his body as if he was a priceless treasure. Still, he played his part, closed his eyes as he stroked his hand up and down his dick, and tried to muffle the sounds that tried to escape his lips.    
  


In his mind, Minhyuk withered away in a golden cage hanging right over an ocean of darkness. He felt his mind breaking just a little bit more, captured so high above, while the harsh winds took away his dignity, his warmth, his smile. And as the heat of the moment finally reached its peak and silence washed over him, Minhyuk opened his eyes again, disoriented. His hand felt sticky from the cum on his hand and one look at the display of his phone showed him that Dongwoo had also finished.

“Damn, babe, I can’t wait for you to come here so we can finally fuck again.” He sounded satisfied, the camera showing the familiar grin on his face. “I’m going to clean myself up now. See you tomorrow then.”    
  


Dongwoo’s face vanished from his display, leaving his background picture staring back at him. It was a photo of bright red roses, flourishing, showing their beauty to the world, and being loved so effortlessly. They made him believe in romance, love, yet right at this moment, it felt like they were mocking him, telling him that nobody would ever look at him that way without having to change his entire being for them.    
  


His body felt so cold as if he was covered by a shell he needed to break through to be able to breathe again. Running on autopilot, Minhyuk got up from his bed, cleaning his hand with a tissue, throwing it into the bin before covering his body with clothes once again, trying to stop the feeling of his blood running cold.   
  


Standing in front of his door, with his head resting against the wood and the key between his fingers, again he waited for the silence remaining in the hall - though he couldn’t have cared less anymore about anything. Turning the key slowly in the keyhole, Minhyuk opened the door as quiet as possible, sneaking a peek into the dark hallway before hurrying into the bathroom to clean himself properly and getting the disinfectant and bandages.    
  


For a moment he paused, his eyes fixed on the dripping tap, biting down on his bottom lip harshly, scared to lift his head up to face the boy the mirror was going to show him inevitable. Tears filled his eyes again, the thought of being so weak for needing a fix like this made him feel incredibly ashamed, but he needed to know, needed to  _ see _ if he was still real. His reflection showed a broken soul looking back at him and he turned away from it almost immediately like everybody else, unable to help, unable to reach out or bring any good news. He couldn’t tell himself that everything was going to be alright, as it wasn’t, and never would. A thought that shook him to the core.   
  


Holding his breath, he stepped out of the bathroom, feeling the anger rising in his guts. It was all his mother’s fault, she made him do this, she got everything while Minhyuk got nothing in return, nothing but shame, embarrassment and pain and it was that moment that his body just moved into the kitchen on his own, switching the lights on.    
  


The food his mother had prepared for them was gone, probably while he was in his room crying on the floor. She had prepared it for them but there was nothing left for Minhyuk to eat - not that he was hungry at this moment.   
  


_ You’re not important enough. _ _  
_ _  
_

In a short circuit reaction, he grabbed one of the wine glasses on the table, smashing it on the floor, followed by another one and the two plates that had been sitting on the table as well. There were tears running down his cheeks again, uncontrollably and he didn’t care about the preparations anymore, only reached out for one of the bigger shards, pushing up the sleeve of his pullover on his left forearm before the shard went deep into his milky skin. 

For a moment, everything went quiet as his skin broke, allowing him to breathe, feeling that he was more than just an empty shell. Soft waves started to embrace him, hugging him like a beloved parent would hold their kid, telling them everything was going to be alright, telling him that he wasn't a ghost but made out of the most beautiful colors the world has ever seen. 

The cut on his arm was blooming as a crimson rose in the desert, making him smile in relief that he was still alive after all and the tension and thoughts overwhelming him abruptly stopped, leaving only the itching of his skin and the peace in his heart.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Well, the peace in his heart lasted only until his mother appeared in the door, finding Minhyuk standing surrounded by shards, still holding on to the blood-covered one he had just used.

"Are you out of your mind?" she shouted at him, showing no signs of concern or wanting to help him. "You are just sick."

"You promised," Minhyuk said, his voice sounded small. No matter the situation, it had always been hard to raise his voice, especially against his mother who never listened anyway. "You promised to spend time with me." 

"We spent the whole fucking day together! I am not doing your fucking laundry, provide you with food and shelter, and buy you clothes to wear? I even paid for that trip you're doing and this is how you thank me?" She was enraged and made Minhyuk look ungrateful again when all he had ever wanted was her caring, really caring, opening her eyes for the things that were right in front of her.

"I just wanted to spend time with you as a family," he whispered. Why couldn’t she understand?

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm working my ass off for you and all you do and ever did is destroying my private life! Clean that mess up and look at how you get to the train station on your own tomorrow. You'll see what I do for you when you don't have it anymore." Her words were crashing and Minhyuk was staring at the blood on his arm, on his fingers, and wondered why it meant nothing to her that he was hurt. 

_ Because you're unlovable.  _

He slowly processed the words that had come out of her mouth, telling him that he was destroying her life. Yes, it made sense that she didn’t have it in her to give him love and provide him only with the necessary things as she was supposed to do so as a mother not because she really wanted it.   
  


“I should have never married him. It was a mistake. You are a mistake.” It was the last thing she said before she left him alone surrounded by broken promises, broken dreams, and the broken heart of a child, which couldn’t understand why he wasn’t welcome in this world. There was nothing else to say, unspoken words stuck in Minhyuk’s throat and silent screams in the form of tears were the only voice he could find in him.   
  


Minhyuk let the shard slide onto the floor, pressing his fingers against the wound to see more of the precious color running down to his hand. He didn’t mean to do it right before visiting his boyfriend, who wouldn’t care about it either, maybe dismiss it as a sexual stimulation thing once again and leave it that way. Nobody was asking questions, nobody wanted to know and look into his soul, reaching out for his hand to make him feel alive in a more healthy way he couldn’t provide for himself.   
  


His world felt so empty as he slowly stepped over the shards, sweeping them onto the dustpan until the only evidence left of his outbreak was the cut on his own body. Grabbing the disinfectant he had placed on the countertop with the bandages, Minhyuk dragged himself into his room again, locking the door tightly behind, cleaning the wound, carefully wrapping it up to help his skin heal, before sliding under the covers in exhaustion.    


_ But why are you alive? _

_  
_ _  
_ He didn’t know where he was going or what was going to happen. All he knew for sure was, that it wasn’t time to leave just yet, especially not like this. It wasn’t even a thought, not even something he could feel in its full intensity, it was just something engraved in his bones that kept him going every single day regardless of how unbearable it seemed.

  
  
Every time he bled, there was a reason to live, though every time he reached out for his loved ones they scattered like petals, turning into ashes that fluttered up to the sky. Forever lost, like flowers of vanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that I'm not romanticizing self-harm or abusive behavior in any way, and a lot of this story is coming from my own experiences. I wanted to show that even in the darkest times there's something worth living for even though you might not be able to see it just yet.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: emotional abuse, dubious consent, unhealthy relationships but also Hyungwon making his first appearance :}
> 
> Please don't read when you're uncomfortable with the topic. Thank you and be safe ❤️

Minhyuk quietly packed his bag once he woke up in the morning. He always waited until the last moment to do it as if there was no necessity for preparing his belongings in anticipation. After the previous night, he had no expectations at all anymore. His mind was quiet and his body didn’t feel like it was his own and it was the best condition Minhyuk could be in to survive another day in his life, walking down the ash-covered road of his destroyed wonderland.  
  


Wasn’t it funny how fragile hope was? Like the paper-thin wings of a butterfly that instantly lost their brightness and color once it was touched and ripped apart, unable to fly and never see the beauty of the world again.  
  


He got up early to take a shower, unwrapping the bandage on his arm to inspect the wound, which was almost fully crusted and the skin around slightly red and irritated. It was always a strange feeling removing the bandage for the first time after cutting himself, feeling the painful wound, telling him that he could still feel something, that he was still there and alive. Freshly showered and dressed, Minhyuk cleaned the wound carefully once again and used a fresh bandage to cover it up, before grabbing his toiletries and something to eat and didn’t dare to leave his room after it, too afraid to run into his mother’s boyfriend. Minhyuk could only hope the man would leave before he set off for his long trip.  
  


The bus only came three times a day, and the bus stop wasn’t that close by, which made it a bit more complicated to reach the train station than his mother simply taking him by car. However, he was pretty sure the option was off the table after their argument the night before.  
  


_Why couldn’t you just suck it up? It only makes your life more complicated._ _  
_ _  
_

Minhyuk had conditioned himself to stay quiet over so many years, although sometimes it became impossible to hold on to it or prevent the inevitable outbreak of his emotions covered by a blanket of numbness. His world was so small, insignificant, when all he wanted to do was fly up to the sky.  
  


He sat by the door, chewing some snacks absently, listening to any movement outside - the chatter and his mother’s voice sounding so different when she was talking to her boyfriend than when she was talking to him. She never sounded loving or proud talking to Minhyuk, only when she was using his talents to draw to adorn herself with borrowed plumes in front of other people. 

  
Once the front door closed, Minhyuk slowly rose to his feet again, pressing his ear against the door to really make sure he didn’t hear any signs of his mother’s boyfriend anymore. There had been a time where Minhyuk was forced to sit with him at the table, being forced to eat things he didn’t like and scolded for throwing up afterward. He had felt like a slave, bringing him things when he wanted, and behaving like an obedient son so his mother would be proud of him. Nevertheless, when he told his mother how uncomfortable and used he felt, it had only resulted in him mocking Minhyuk even more and his mother watching, doing absolutely nothing to protect him - ever.  
  


_And now you’re afraid, all the time._ _  
_ _  
_

When he was sure, his mother’s boyfriend was gone, he slowly slipped out of his room to get himself ready to walk to the bus stop as he saw his mother stepping out of the living room.  
  


“You’re ready to go?” she asked to his surprise, grabbing her coat.  
  


“Are you… driving me?” Minhyuk remained unable to move, was unable to read her mood but reasoned that she was twisting his mind, playing with it like a rope - again.  
  


“You can’t go on your own. Don’t be ridiculous. And what will the people think if they saw you taking the bus? No, you can’t do that. Where’s your suitcase?” His mother was busy putting on her shoes, looking for her keys, and never sparing any look at him.  
  


_This isn’t about you and she needs a reason to complain later about it._ _  
_ _  
_

Minhyuk was pretty sure she was going to use it against him later, would be complaining to her friends about him, and that there was no point declining and taking the bus on his own. “I’ll get it,” he said eventually, surrendering, and grabbed the suitcase and his backpack from his room.  
  


There was no warm hug, no goodbye when Minhyuk got out of the car and left for the train.

  
  
-

  
  
His limbs felt stiff after the six-hour train ride halfway across the other side of the country and all he was seeking was a simple dinner, a warm and cozy bed, and the arms of his boyfriend around him. It was always exhausting sitting for this long inside a not so comfortable seat, always hoping no stranger would dare to take the seat next to him as the closeness to other humans made him uncomfortable - especially when they treated most of his personal space as if it was their own. 

  
Minhyuk wasn’t one to say anything, more the type of person pressing against the window, making himself even smaller, closing his eyes and focusing on the music playing over his earphones. The worst scenario would have been leaving them somewhere, or his phone running out of battery, leaving him without the protective wall of music, exposed to a world full of chattering, crying children, meaningless conversations and various types of sounds poured over his head until he was left to drown.  
  


One by one, people were getting up from their seats, gathering their belongings, throwing their trash away, and taking their luggage from the suitcase rack before sitting down again or walking to the doors already. Their final destination must have been announced, but Minhyuk had overheard it due to his earphones. His backpack and his coat were placed next to him, mostly to send a subtle signal to strangers to fuck off, not allowing themselves the impression that this seat was actually available. Of course, this strategy wasn’t working when all seats were occupied but he had been lucky enough this time, and for the past four hours, nobody had dared to sit next to him. He had spent the first two hours next to a sleeping Indian guy, violating his personal space by slowly leaning against his shoulder whenever he dozed off, followed by the man apologizing whenever he woke up again.

  
Now, the train finally came to hold at its destination and Minhyuk remained seated until most of the crowd had left the aisles, giving him enough space to slip into his coat. He reached up to pull his suitcase from the rack and shouldered his backpack, earphones around his neck before he left the train. The platforms were crowded, filled with people that must have looked like little ants from above. There were families saying goodbye, businessmen confidently walking down the platform, their headset a loyal companion, friends talking and lovers greeting each other with flowers and gifts. Minhyuk couldn’t recall his boyfriend ever greeting him with flowers and the times he had picked him up at the platform were long forgotten.  
  


_You’re in a gay relationship. It’s more of a straight thing, isn’t it?  
  
_

Although, since when were flowers and little gifts bound to the nature of a relationship or to gender?  
  


As usual, Minhyuk’s boyfriend was waiting inside his car in front of the station, focused on the display of his phone, probably playing one of his favorite games or texting one of his friends - or lovers. All in all, taking measurements to kill time until Minhyuk’s arrival.  
  


_He’s not the romantic type but he likes you. It’s okay._

  
Dongwoo was three years older than him and already made good money working for his father’s automobile company. He had never experienced big losses in his life, lived in his own apartment, sponsored by his parents, and loved to party. He was tall with short black hair, had a nicely sculpted body, beautifully decorated with tattoos, was working out at least 4 days a week, made Minhyuk look even skinnier and unhealthy next to him. Or in other words, with Minhyuk next to him, Dongwoo looked even more astonishing, like he was the good guy keeping the unpopular kid company just for fun.  
  


Minhyuk knocked against the driver’s seat window, showing off his beautiful smile to hide how exhausted he felt but also in amusement as the man in the car nearly dropped his phone in surprise before opening the door and getting out of the car.  
  


“There you are! Was the train late again?” Dongwoo pulled him into a tight embrace, almost too tight for Minhyuk and he didn’t know why it felt so strange and kind of uncomfortable every time they were close to each other.  
  


_It’s probably because nobody is ever holding you tight. You’re just not used to it._ _  
_ _  
_

“Yeah. Apparently, they’re working out the rails on one side so it took longer,” he explained with a slight smile and watched Dongwoo placing his suitcase into the trunk. They hadn’t seen each other for almost half a year now, still, it wasn’t unusual for Dongwoo to keep his affection to a minimum in public. He wouldn’t kiss him or hold hands with him as it _just wasn’t his thing_ , and no matter how devastating it felt to Minhyuk, he repressed his needs to grab his hand when they’re walking next to each other and only kiss him when they were alone and Dongwoo initiated it, allowed him to respond.  
  


In a way, it made Minhyuk feel unwanted, placed aside, and unseen just like the rest of the world treated him. As if he was an absolute nobody. Whenever he felt the anger of injustice dwelling up at him, words stuck inside his chest, ready to be spoken they died inside his mouth, unable to find a voice, to be heard. Nobody would listen, would hear his voice even if he had one and Minhyuk was too aware of that.  
  


“Always the same, huh? Let’s go home and order something to eat before we go to the party later,” Dongwoo said once they both sat inside the car on their way to his apartment. It was another twenty-minute drive when the traffic was flowing.  
  


The mention of the party caught Minhyuk off guard and he looked at Dongwoo unsure of how to respond. It was the first time he heard from it. Dongwoo hadn’t even mentioned it over the phone the night before.  
  


“A party? I thought we would just eat dinner and have a chill evening.” He was exhausted from the train ride, from the fight with his mother, so staying awake till early in the morning just to party seemed like a terrible idea.  
  


“Oh c’mon. Don’t be such a baby, Minhyuk. I know you like to sit at home all day long trying to be a good boy, and it’s exactly the reason why we’re going out. This will be good for you.” Dongwoo sounded annoyed, and Minhyuk instantly felt bad and sorry for being tired, for even speaking out his wishes for the rest of the day.  
  


“Don’t be mad, I just-” he looked down on his hands, rested on his legs, and wanted to vanish.  
  


“You’re gonna stay for a few days, so there’s plenty of time for us to be at home and chill. The party was planned weeks ago, and I don’t see a reason why I should cut back my free time only because you’re visiting. I asked you to come earlier but you said it wasn’t possible.”  
  


_Because I have to go to school, writing my exams in a few weeks! I’m tired and gonna feel miserable when I’m sleep-deprived and you know it and still don’t care._ _  
_ _  
_

“It’ll be fun I guess,” Minhyuk said instead, forcing himself to smile and lighten the mood that had gotten awkward within just a few minutes and they hadn’t even arrived at his boyfriend’s apartment.  
  


They were a couple for three years now. Three years of constant ups and downs, more downs than ups for Minhyuk one could say as his only chance to make his boyfriend happy was by making himself miserable. Instead of a healthy relationship, Minhyuk had developed an unhealthy dependency on Dongwoo, which was why it didn’t come by surprise that he constantly felt on edge being with him. The fear of losing him was dominating his mind instead of happiness.  
  


_But he’s the only person you can go to, to get away from home._ _  
_ _  
_

He knew he had to be careful over the days he would spend with his boyfriend, paying attention to not make him upset, knowing that he could exchange him for someone else. Dongwoo was popular and he didn’t hold back telling him about the people flirting with him per text or over the phone, which was the reason why he needed this limited amount of time being present next to him count. Somehow he knew it was probably wrong, that a loving relationship wasn’t supposed to look like this, not like a typical romance movie either but the fear of being completely alone and unloved terrified him even more.  
  


_You should be grateful that he’s with you._ _  
_ _  
_

He was. At least he tried and the more he tried to fix it, the more and deeper he was dragged into the dark forest by the roots of the trees, its barks showing grotesque faces as if to tell him that his world could only be dominated by monsters. The light seemed so far away and maybe it was for the best when his body was swallowed by the darkness, beginning by his feet sinking into the mossy soil offering him a dangerous kind of comfort. Love always felt so cold and unreachable.  
  


“Seriously, Minhyuk, you have to get out more. You can’t always sit at home and wait for me to text you, it’s exhausting.”  
  


Minhyuk buried the fingers in the fabric of his jeans, having absolutely no idea why Dongwoo was aiming for a fight when he just arrived here after an hour-long train ride to see him.  
  


“I’m focusing on my exams at the moment.” It was a bold move and Minhyuk felt his heart racing inside his chest and his cheeks heating up, palms starting to get sweaty, getting all uncomfortable for speaking up, and not letting his voice crack along the way.  
  


“Yeah, sure, but you going to school doesn’t mean you have to be the best all the time, you know? Nobody cares in the end when you’re applying for jobs, and you’re totally wasting your time and energy on this. All you do is miss out on the fun and enjoying your life. I mean, look at me, I wasn’t aiming for the straight A’s all the time and hung out with friends and tried out some crazy shit, and still make a nice income and have enough free time to relax.” Dongwoo parked the car in front of his apartment building, completely ignoring Minhyuk’s tense body on the passenger seat as he loosened his seatbelt and got out of the car to grab Minhyuk’s suitcase from the trunk.  
  


_Yes, because your parents are sponsoring you and they have contacts, so you never even had to worry about a single thing in your life._ _  
_ _  
_

Minhyuk liked Dongwoo’s parents, he really did, they were nice and hardworking people already in their late 50’s. His mother got pregnant in her late 30’s for the second time. Dongwoo had an older half-sister from his father’s first marriage but they rarely talked about her and he only met her twice in his life as she was some kind of disgrace for the family, never found a steady job and got pregnant really early in life, always asking her father for financial help.  
  


Dongwoo’s parents treated Minhyuk nicely and he lost himself in the illusion that he actually had a real family caring for him, inviting him for family dinners and showing interest in his education and future career. The complete opposite of his mother, who wanted him to be homeschooled to eliminate the possibility of her having any inconveniences when Minhyuk got a conflict again for being gay. Despite all the nice family illusion, Dongwoo's parents provided him with, they didn’t know he was actually dating their son. Never was Minhyuk introduced was his boyfriend, only as a friend he had met online as being openly gay was out of the question for Dongwoo.  
  


It was disappointing every time yet still a better option than being alone in a world that provided him with nothing but rejection. If Minhyuk wouldn’t have had the false security of his messed up relationship then there would have been no point of living anymore. He tried not to think about it too often, though he was perfectly aware of it and that it wasn’t everlasting.  
  


Minhyuk silently followed Dongwoo up the stairs to his apartment after he got out of the car. There was no point in arguing with him, no point in giving in to the tension and crying in front of him, knowing that he wouldn’t hold him tight and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He just went quiet, fully aware that he couldn’t change the way Dongwoo wanted him to be without cutting himself into pieces and still he would try his best to please him and do the things his boyfriend liked because he simply couldn’t run away and was stuck with him for the week.  
  


_He’ll calm down when you’re going to the party and have sex with him. It’s always making him feel better._ _  
_ _  
_

It wasn’t particularly making Minhyuk feel better but he would push through it like any other time.  
  


Once he slipped out of his shoes and finally lifted his head to look at Dongwoo, whose eyes had softened he felt the heat in his cheeks again. His boyfriend stepped closer and placed his warm hands on his hot cheeks, caressing over them with his thumbs, making Minhyuk shiver considering that nobody but him ever touched him and held him close.  
  


“Hey,” Dongwoo said with a smile. “You know that I’m just going a bit tough on you to pull you out of your shell a bit, right? I want you to relax and have fun and don’t worry all the time.”  
  


“Yeah, I know.” Minhyuk smiled a little and wrapped his arms around the tall body, closing his eyes as Dongwoo leaned in to kiss him.  
  


Behind closed doors, inside their fragile little bubble and without all the talking, everything was okay - or so it seemed. It was hard for him to relax, to enjoy this cozy little bubble that felt more like him floating on a lake deep in the woods, the water so cold on his skin that it was numbing his body completely. He was looking up to the sky, covered with heavy grey clouds keeping away the sun that would warm up his skin so he could turn over and swim to the dry land that would keep him safe - but it wasn’t meant for him. His breath was the only sound echoing in his ears while under him the deep and unknown darkness was reaching her cold fingers out for him, ready to pull him down like a rock.  
  


Even though he didn’t feel safe with Dongwoo, he still enjoyed the physical attention the older man provided him with and Minhyuk was lacking most of the time. When they kissed, it wasn’t magic, it wasn’t this follow your instincts moment that would just make you feel good and get lost in. Minhyuk was fully aware of everything, focused on Dongwoo’s lips on his own, on the tongue that was licking into his mouth, and the mechanical response he had to give in return. It would have been enough for him to just hug his boyfriend, feel his embrace, just let it all go, let his guard down but he couldn’t.  
  


_Why doesn’t it feel good?  
  
_

Dongwoo ended their kiss with a cold peck on his lips and moved into the kitchen to get the flyer for his preferred delivery service so they could order food. The only few dishes his boyfriend was able to make were instant ramen, frozen pizza, and spaghetti with ketchup. He could probably roast a steak too but would most likely order it or just go to a restaurant so other people would make it for him before using his own kitchen to actually cook. Everything inside his apartment looked nice and clean, organized by the housemaid his parents employed, either knowing their son was incapable of doing it on his own and to keep some control themselves over their property or to take care of him even from afar, keeping the dirty work far away from him.  
  


“What do you want? I thought we could order some chicken and pizza.” Minhyuk heard him saying from the kitchen while looking at himself in the bathroom mirror sighing. He looked so tired, his skin pale under the light coming from bulbs above the mirror, only deepening the shadows under his eyes.  
  


“Sounds good to me,” he called out, filling his hands with cold water and repeatedly splashed it into his face to overcome the exhaustion creeping through his body, trying to force him to lay down and just sleep instead of making himself presentable to go out.  
  


_You don’t have anything fancy to wear, do you?  
  
_

Minhyuk liked comfortable clothes that were a bit more on the baggy side, not showing too much of his skin or even of his slim body some girls would probably commit murder for - but he also knew very well that this wasn't the perfect show-off for a party, especially not next to a popular guy as Dongwoo.  
  


"Could you, maybe, lend me some clothes? I didn't prepare anything special," Minhyuk said, stepping into the kitchen after drying his face with one of those ridiculously soft towels that cost probably more than his entire wardrobe.  
  


"Ah, yeah, yeah, sure. There are clothes for you on my bed. I made sure our style would match and you'd fit in." Dongwoo was busy tipping in the number of the delivery service not even looking up and Minhyuk took the time of the ordering process to check out the clothes on the bed.  
  


There were tight black ripped jeans and a white lace shirt that wouldn't do much to cover up his nipples - or the white bandage covering his left forearm. Holding the shirt up right in front of him he already felt his self-esteem drop if that was even possible at this point.   
  


_As if people weren't staring at you enough. Now they'll think you're trying to be cool and one of them, when all you are is an impostor.  
  
_

He had tried to fit in so often, no, Minhyuk tried it every day to change his story to one that others wanted to read but as so often, he did a terrible job - considering that under all the fake masquerades he had no real idea who he was anymore. On the other hand, his boyfriend didn't seem to care about his opinion.  
  


_Nobody does. And when you speak up, nobody is listening or they get offended.  
  
_

No sooner the voice on the phone went silent, strong arms were wrapped around his body and instead of leaning into the embrace, Minhyuk felt his heart racing, his mind trying to warn him of the dangerous situation that was incoming.   
  


_Breathe.  
  
_

“You’re going to look so hot. I can’t wait to see you in it.” Dongwoo’s dark playful voice was so close to his left ear while his right hand slowly traced over Minhyuk’s chest, circling over his nipple through his shirt, making him shiver, holding back a moan. His cheeks felt hot again as shame and fear filling his consciousness, preparing him to push through another unpleasant sexual encounter with his boyfriend.  
  


_Just breathe._ _  
_ _  
_

He nervously bit his lower lip, lowering the shirt on the bed he was still holding in front of him, waiting for the inevitable without inviting him to do anything further - not that his boyfriend ever cared, either he couldn’t read his signals or he just intentionally ignored them. For a moment he held his breath and closed his eyes as the pressure on his nipple increased as was the pressure of Dongwoo’s groin against his butt. He was already half-hard.  
  


“Yeah, it looks nice.” His voice rough on the edges, hardly audible at all. How long would the delivery take? Twenty to thirty minutes maybe. Minhyuk couldn’t stop counting every unpleasant minute that felt like hours, caging him in, pressing the air out of his lungs, making it impossible to focus on anything else.  
  


“You’re so cute. I can’t wait to fuck you later. I was so turned on yesterday, and you’re always so cute when you try to hide.” Sharp teeth sank into the shell of his ear, followed by a wet tongue before Dongwoo let go of him, showing him his own outfit for tonight, which Minhyuk could barely pay attention to.  
  


_Smile. Breathe.  
  
_

And so he did. He always did.   
  


Even when their food finally arrived and they sat together in the kitchen to eat, Minhyuk listened to Dongwoo's first world problems. He had wanted to buy a certain kind of jeans and it was out of stock or he hadn't been able to test drive the new car they offered in the shop. Never once he asked about him, yet Minhyuk smiled as his mind remained numb. Only the wound on his arm reminded him of being alive, still, he couldn't tell what he was feeling anymore. Somewhere deep underneath the cover of the ashes falling from the clouded sky, laid the part of him that so far had never gotten a chance to bloom. But would it ever get the chance to do so? Would his life ever change its direction? Would it all get better once he finished school?

  
Deep down he was terrified of the moment they would get intimate and he couldn't prevent it, had to give it to him as being together next to each other in a comfortable atmosphere wasn't enough for Dongwoo in a relationship, especially not when Minhyuk lived so far away and couldn't satisfy his needs on a daily basis. 

_  
It's all just empty talking. It would be so nice to visit his parents. They actually treat you like you really exist.  
  
_

Maybe that was the only reason he was with Dongwoo, for those rare moments of belonging and the illusion of actually being a part of a family since he couldn't really say it about his own. His father had never once asked about him and Minhyuk would prefer to keep it that way, while his mother only seemed to care when he bothered her fragile structure of living, trying to get rid of him by giving him money to buy things just to fill the hollowing emptiness that became the biggest wound of all.   
  


"Hey, are you listening?" he heard Dongwoo saying and looked at him a little confused, must have spaced out - which wasn't a surprise since he was so tired.  
  


"Oh, yeah. Actually, I would take a cup of coffee, if that's okay."   
  


"Sure, I'm gonna change and you should too. I don't want to be late." Dongwoo cleaned his hands with a wet tissue and got up from his seat, leaving the cartons and leftovers on the table to deal with them later.  
  


For a moment, Minhyuk looked down on them, the melted cheese surrounding the pepperoni and tomato sauce on the far too slimy base of the pizza, which had stained the carton with fat and the far too dry chicken one could only enjoy with lots of sauce and ketchup. It smelled of fat and fried food, just as it was supposed to be but still gave Minhyuk the feeling that he wasn't really doing anything good to his body eating all this junk food, that it would have probably made no difference if he had just chewed on a cube of sugar instead. He felt some kind of sympathy as he too was just used and left to deal with later no matter how hard he tried to impress but he couldn't help it.   
  


With a sigh, he went over to the kitchen and prepared some coffee for himself, knowing that going out with his boyfriend to a party usually involved lots of alcohol and being his little ornament.   
  


_As if you were a stray and he picked you up out of generosity._

  
It got him attention and it made Minhyuk feel bad, which made Dongwoo feel even more superior as he seemed to feed on his anxiety and inability to see his own worth.   
  


_Just be thankful that he's with you, Be thankful that you have at least something even if it isn't the real deal. It's better than nothing.  
  
_

After cleaning up a bit and preparing the freshly made coffee with a shot of milk, better to say the amount of milk was almost drowning the coffee in the cup, Minhyuk unwillingly changed into the clothes his boyfriend had prepared for him. The lace fabric felt so light on his skin that it made him feel like he wasn't dressed at all, made him self-conscious about his showing nipples that were barely hidden by two larger lace flowers. If he moved too much they would show and Minhyuk already felt the tension in his body rising, warning him that he shouldn't do this for someone else, that he felt uncomfortable in his own skin.  
  


_Please keep it together. Please.  
  
_

He picked up the black jeans and slipped into it, looking at himself in the huge mirror that hung across the room. The clothes emphasized his long, slim body, his milky skin, and made him look overall desirable - with the small problem that Minhyuk was preferring to hide and his low self-esteem from the world. It wasn't like he entirely hated to show his body as he really did enjoy taking pictures of himself but there was a huge difference: No expectations. 

  
Dongwoo had expectations giving him clothes like this to wear and people would look at him either seeing a boy who didn't belong to them at all and was just dressing up or a boy they wanted to fuck.   
  


_There's no romance. No getting to know each other, meaningful eye contact and slow kissing, just physical needs.  
  
_

He was disappointed in love and in his relationship, with his mother and his boyfriend, but he could survive it, having the fake reality of belonging somewhere, having a connection to someone even if it wasn't a good one - but hey, he was used to it wasn't he? Minhyuk should have been but he wasn't. 

  
"Damn, you look fucking hot." Dongwoo stood in the door and clicked his tongue before slowly licking over his lips as if he had a five-star meal in front of him. He was dressed in a black cut out jeans and a white shirt, showing his muscular chest and the tattoos on it as there were more buttons open than actually closed. There was no doubt that a lot of men and women would be happy to just get laid by him while Minhyuk would have had enough to just trace his fingers over the lines on Dongwoo's body, just looking, feeling, being.

_  
But showing skin and nakedness is always an invitation. Nobody sees it the way you do.  
  
_

Minhyuk didn't like the predatorial look on Dongwoo's face but he forced himself to smile.  
  


“What’s that?” Dongwoo stepped closer, grabbing Minhyuk’s arm to inspect the bandage that was indeed visible through the lace fabric of his shirt. Thankfully, there was no blood visible on the outside and the cause or actual wound underneath was open for speculations. “Were you in a kinky mood yesterday?”  
  


Minhyuk tried to remain calm even though he was more than alarmed of his boyfriend addressing the bandage and putting his hands on him. He was also disappointed that it didn’t seem to concern him if it was really an injury, which might have been caused by an accident and no matter how much he wanted to confirm Dongwoo’s sexual fantasies, Minhyuk said instead:  
  


“I accidentally burned myself on one of the pots when I was cooking a few days ago.” It was a straightforward lie but Minhyuk could clearly see that his boyfriend wasn’t that interested anyway.  
  


“Ah,” Dongwoo said, sounding kind of disappointed as he let go of his arm. “Shouldn’t take that long to heal then. Another reason why I don’t cook.” He laughed and walked into the hallway, where they put on their jackets and shoes and eventually took a taxi to the party.   
  


Dongwoo would drink and Minhyuk had no driver's license so it was off the table to take the car. One of Dongwoo's friends had rented a venue for their private party tonight and it didn't come by surprise as that was the only time Dongwoo would actually bring Minhyuk with him, showing him off and humiliate him at the same time. It was safe for him to show his bisexuality and his relationship openly.  
  


_The only times you exist next to him as his boyfriend.  
  
_

He still felt tired and drained from his hour-long train ride but once the loud music blasted right into his face, it instantly passed through his whole body like the burning sensation on one’s skin after touching a hot hearth plate. Instead of sleep, his system was announcing an incoming headache, though Minhyuk wouldn’t dare to tell his boyfriend that he wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t want to be here in the first place and still, he stood there all dressed up, watching Dongwoo greeting his friends with those cool handshakes and found himself with a beer bottle in his hand not much later - Tonie, Dongwoo’s best friend, had handed it to him. He didn’t like the guy.  
  


Tonie was American and a player, mostly thinking with his dick, who had way too rich parents to buy him out of every unfortunate situation he dragged himself into. Considering the combination of Dongwoo and Tonie one could assume they meant trouble and were as far off the list of consensual and loving relationships as anyone could ever be and still, Minhyuk couldn’t just leave as just thinking about the alternative of being alone made his head spin and his anxiety crawling through his veins, finding its origin in the big knot inside his stomach, stretched almost to the point where it was about to snap.  
  


“Your outfit is sick, man. Someone will get really lucky tonight.” Tonie’s laugh got swallowed by the loud music blastic through the speakers hanging from the ceiling yet it was enough to make Minhyuk nauseous. Seeing the dirty grin he shared with Dongwoo while giving him a friendly hit on the back before taking their first shots felt so unreal to him and even though he knew that this was his boyfriend’s real face, he didn’t want to see it.  
  


_He’s just having fun but doesn’t really care about you, does he?_ _  
_ _  
_

He was taking a sip from his beer, making his eyes wander aimlessly through the crowd of strangers. The dance floor was pretty much crowded, bodies moving to the music, hands roaming over long backs and shaking hips seductively, while at the other side of the club, where Minhyuk was standing, some people were talking, laughing, whereas others already made out on the round couches in the back.  
  


_It’s so easy. Why is it so easy for them?_ _  
_ _  
_

They didn’t look like it would take a lot of effort for them to make out, to kiss and be close to a total stranger, while Minhyuk couldn’t even let go with the man he was dating for a few years already. He felt Dongwoo’s arm around his shoulders, winding around him like a heavy python, slowly running down his back, grabbing his butt with a grin on his lips, numbing Minhyuk’s body and making his breath echoing loudly in his ears despite the loud scenery around them.  
  


One, two sips from his beer bottle to calm himself down, to not push him away and not showing any kind of unwanted flaws to Dongwoo or his friends as there was no way to win this game and just let it drag you into it, smiling while breaking into pieces bit by bit. Dongwoo’s voice became distant as Minhyuk found himself in front of the dark forest again, roots reaching out for him, swirling around his wrists to pull him into the all too familiar darkness.  
  


One step, two steps closer to the border between the light and darkness before loud chattering returned him back to the present moment, which included a tall blond girl, smelling flowery like she had robbed a perfumery and was dressed in a dangerously short skirt and a top that made it hard to not stare at her cleavage - even for Minhyuk as a gay man. The girl was touching Dongwoo’s arm way too often, laughing way too obviously to impress him and his boyfriend enjoyed the attention way too much. His arm still remained around Minhyuk’s hips, rubbing his thumb over his hip bones and if that wasn’t enough, the girl seemed pretty much into it.  
  


“I really love to see guys making out, it really gets me going.” Minhyuk heard her saying, followed by a wide grin on Dongwoo’s lips.  
  


He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be a fetish for someone and all of a sudden he became too aware of the amount of skin that was showing through the lace of his shirt and the way he must look next to his cool, popular boyfriend. Like the cute, innocent bottom, who was supposed to act all shy and moaned filthily to get fucked more and addicted to a nice big cock. And Dongwoo loved selling this image to other people as if Minhyuk was some kind of fancy sex toy he could use whenever he wanted to.  
  


_This isn’t some kind of comic book fantasy._ _  
_ _  
_

“Excuse me for a moment,” he pressed out, surprised how composed his voice sounded despite the panic and disgust rushing through his body, making him cling on the bottle in his hands as if it was the last hope for his survival.  
  


Without looking at his boyfriend or the girl, Minhyuk escaped from Dongwoo’s touch to push his way through the dancing crowd to the bathrooms. He abandoned his beer on one of the tables placed on the walls before entering, relieved that nobody was in there. Standing in front of the mirror, he gasped for air, looking at himself for some kind of answer to escape.  
  


_There is none._ _  
_ _  
_

Minhyuk wanted to be alone, get away from all the tension, the noises and expectations he couldn’t fulfill and took the closest solution, barricading himself in one of the stalls to sit down on the closed toilet seat, wrapping his arms around his upper body, making himself as small as possible as if he could just vanish from this dirty bathroom and Dongwoo and would wake up in a warm and loving home.  
  


_Breathe. Just breathe._ _  
_ _  
_

He clawed his fingers deep into his shoulders, hoping for the pain to get his body out of this tense atmosphere and take a deep breath. It just wasn’t enough, it never was, except for the moment he cut through his flesh and stopped the world from spinning.  
  


The door swung open a few times and Minhyuk had no idea how long he sat there, listening to the chatter outside the stall or people taking a piss but he had to go back, although all he wanted was to be alone and dream the dream of a better life, a better outcome that never seemed to reach him. Was Dongwoo flirting with that girl outside? Making out with her instead of looking for him?  
  


_Why are you doing this to yourself?_ _  
_ _  
_

It was better than nothing, maybe worse but what did it matter when nobody wanted him anyway?  
  


“Babe, are you in there? You’re missing out on all the fun!” Dongwoo’s voice made him flinch for a second and Minhyuk stared at the locked stall door in front of him, feeling the adrenaline pulsing, his body telling him to run. Except, there was nowhere to run from the inevitable situation that would follow and he couldn’t remain sitting on this toilet forever.  
  


“O-one second!” Minhyuk felt the tears coming up as he got up, trying to compose himself as he reached for the key with shaking fingers. There was nowhere to hide and nowhere to run. The moment the door was unlocked and the white barricade swung open for them to face each other, the roots of the forest pulled Minhyuk out of the light and into the cold darkness.  
  


“Are you hiding from me?” There was a big grin on Dongwoo’s face, his eyes dark, and obviously not really interested in Minhyuk’s wellbeing and making him feel safe.  
  


“No, I- I was already on my way back,” Minhyuk claimed and was about to leave the stall to follow his boyfriend back to the party crowd, though one push of his big hands made Minhyuk stumble back against the sidewall of the stall before the door was shut behind the two of them.  
  


“No rush, for now, babe. We're gonna have some fun on our own.” Dongwoo’s voice sounded rough, his breath impregnated by way too much alcohol already as his lips already attacked his neck, sinking his teeth into his skin rough and painfully, leading to Minhyuk whimpering.  
  


“Here?” With wide eyes, Minhyuk stared at the older man, who was already pretty busy roaming his hands over his body, increasing the disgust inside him with every touch. “Can’t we go home for this?” His fingers were clawing inside Dongwoo’s shirt, his cheeks burning from the embarrassment and discomfort. He didn’t want this, not here in a dirty bathroom stall, not in public, and for everyone on display to hear what they were doing.  
  


“Come on, don’t be such a baby all the time. I know you want my cock inside you, I’ll show you how much you want it.” He sounded amused, opening Minhyuk’s lace shirt and pinching his rosy nipples with his fingers, not caring about Minhyuk’s wishes at all, only interested in his own needs.  
  


Minhyuk bit his lower lip, his body shaking, fighting an unseen battle inside his mind and the voices that screamed at him how wrong it felt, how disgusted he was and its counterpart, telling him that it was his responsibility to have sex with his boyfriend, to please him because it was a normal thing to do in a relationship.  
  


_Please don’t make me do this…_ _  
_ _  
_

He wanted to cry, hating himself for the inability to push him away, for the lack of words not coming over his lips even though he wanted nothing more than to scream and run away, so far away, from his misery and Dongwoo.  
  


Dongwoo’s lips pressed harshly against his own, his wet tongue finding its way inside his mouth, forcing Minhyuk to respond, to give while the roots of the dark forest cut him off from the light of the day. _  
_ _  
_

“Be a good boy and get down on your knees if you don’t want them to hear you getting fucked. See how much I love you? So we both get what we want.” There was still this wide grin on Dongwoo’s lips when he let go of Minhyuk, opening his pants without hesitation to free his hard and already throbbing dick from his shorts, giving it a few lazy strokes, waiting for Minhyuk to do his part.  
  


It was a compromise, not a really good one, but Minhyuk swallowed the big lump inside his throat that tried to choke him, and slowly sank down on the cold, dirty floor, wrapping his right hand around the base of Dongwoo’s dick, hesitantly opening his mouth before taking him in.  
  


_He said he loves you. It must be true, right? Just get it over with._ _  
_ _  
_

“Oh fuck, yes.” Dongwoo’s satisfied moans echoed in the stall, one of his hands buried in Minhyuk’s hair, the other one placed on the sidewall of the stall for support. It didn’t take long for him to move his hips, thrusting into Minhyuk’s mouth without checking in on him.  
  


Minhyuk focused on his breathing, pressing his eyelids together, feeling the tip of Dongwoo’s dick hitting the back of his throat, making it almost impossible to stay composed and not pushing him away as his gag reflex was setting in.  
  


_Breathe. It’ll be over soon._ _  
_ _  
_

He felt cold, so freezingly cold, with his limbs going numb, his eyes going blind from the darkness surrounding him. Terrorizing sounds of the unknown piercing his eardrums, making it impossible to fade away and impossible to live. Nobody could save him, as only monsters roamed through the woods, finding him no matter how good he tried to hide from them. Minhyuk felt wetness around his body, icy, ready to crush him under the pressure like an insect stepping into a Venus flytrap, slowly digesting him, dissolving him into nothingness.  
  


As the water ran into his mouth, taking him under, shocking his system with panic, Minhyuk came back to his senses with Dongwoo pressing his dick deep into his mouth, groaning deeply as he shot his cum down his throat. Minhyuk widened his eyes unprepared and in shock, before his reflexes set in and he pushed Dongwoo away from him, coughing hard and gasping for air, resulting in a mixture of cum and salvia on the floor right next to Dongwoo’s feet.  
  


_Oh no._ _  
_ _  
_

“Fuck! You’re so gross.” Minhyuk heard him say and didn’t dare to look up at him, trying to keep his racing heart in check and the tears in his eyes - an intention which was only met with limited success. “Get your shit together. We’re leaving in a few. Fuck.”  
  


He heard Dongwoo closing the zipper of his pants and unlocking the door, leaving Minhyuk on the floor. There must have been other people outside as he heard Dongwoo snap at someone. Tears ran down his heated cheeks, his shaky hands trying to cover his exposed chest with the lace shirt that was hanging loosely around his thin frame. His teeth harshly bit into his lower lip, holding back the sobbing that so badly wanted to leave him, wanted to be heard from the world like a cry for help. The bitter taste of cum was still remaining on his tongue, his throat felt numb and abused. It wasn’t right. Minhyuk didn’t want to exist like this anymore but there was nowhere to go. No light. No fairies and no prince coming to reach for him.  
  


_You have to get up. You have to._ _  
_ _  
_

It seemed to be an impossible task, demanding all the strength that was still left inside of him, warning him to use it wisely. And instead of his body obeying, a new wave of tears was incoming, making it impossible to hold back the sobbing anymore. He pulled his legs close to his body, wrapping his arms around them as tightly as he could, cowering himself together with his head spinning and his chest suddenly feeling way too small for his heart pumping blood hastily through his veins like a sledgehammer.  
  


He couldn’t care less crying in public, having a full-blown panic attack waltzing over him like a tsunami, while people outside this door could probably hear him loud and clear.  
  


_I can’t get up. I can't_

  
“He’s gone.” A deep masculine voice behind the door said, sounding patient and understanding, but made Minhyuk jerk in terror due to the sudden soft knock on the door. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”  
  


Minhyuk remained silent, too shocked to show any reaction at first before wiping his tears away with the back of his hands, closing the buttons of his shirt in a hectic movement before trying to get on his feet. His legs were shaky, wobbly like a piece of jello, and with his head spinning, forcing Minhyuk right back into a sitting position.  
  


“I-I’m fine!” His voice sounded rough and absolutely not like his own, as he pressed his eyelids together, trying to get rid of the black dancing spots clouding his vision.  
  


“I’m stepping away from the door. Take your time, okay? I’m here.” The voice reassured him, so soft and beautiful that Minhyuk could have listened to it forever. Minhyuk didn’t want anyone to see what state he was in but this person behind the door didn’t seem like the type that would take his _I’m fine_ argument without making sure that it was the truth.   
  


"One of my friends invited me here as a thank you for a tattoo I did but, man, the music really sucks." The stranger outside the door said, chuckling a bit. It took Minhyuk totally off guard that this person was just randomly talking to him - but his voice was so warm and soothing that Minhyuk didn't really mind.  
  


_Probably because he doesn't know what you look like.  
  
_

"I personally like Rock better," Minhyuk said quietly, not sure why it was so easy to just speak about what he liked, but something else caught his attention. "You're doing tattoos? professionally?" He was more than surprised how the tension slowly left his body the longer their conversation lasted.  
  


"Nah, I bought a tattoo machine last year and I always loved to doodle designs - you know instead of writing down the important stuff in school. Do you like tattoos?" There was another soft chuckle from the man outside, though now that Minhyuk’s mind started to calm down, he came to realize how young he sounded. Maybe they were even the same age?  
  


"Ah, yeah I-I like them, just couldn't afford one so far, but I really love drawing." For some reason, he wanted to show the stranger his sketchbook since he gave him the feeling that he would really appreciate it.  
  


“That’s dope! I’d like to see your drawings sometime. Do you feel comfortable enough to come out and exchange numbers?” For a moment Minhyuk went quiet, just staring at the opposite wall of the stall, filled with all kinds of doodles and pursued messages, which didn’t make much sense but that was probably not the main intention of people writing them down there. He didn’t know what to say, wasn’t sure if the person outside this door really meant it, or if he was just too naive, grabbing for any straw and the illusion of warmth and kindness.  
  


Minhyuk turned his eyes to the door in shock as an unexpected movement caught his attention and for a moment he thought the stranger would just invade his space, grew impatient by his silence. Instead, incredibly long fingers passed through an object underneath the door, and only when they vanished at the other side of the door again, Minhyuk realized that it was a mobile phone, with a green phone case. The display was up showing the contact information of the man behind the door.  
  


A bit hesitant, he grabbed the phone, inspecting the name and the number on the display, before turning it around to inspect the phone case.  
  
  
_What?_ _  
_ _  
_  
“Is that a frog?” Minhyuk asked in bewilderment as he clearly hadn’t expected two huge eyes looking back at him in an incredibly adorable way.  
  


“Yeah, it was a gift from my Japanese friend. I think the character is called Keroppi? You know, he thought it’s funny because I enjoy sleeping a lot. Can you believe it? The audacity of this little fucker. Anyway, I’m Hyungwon, as you can easily see on the display. Do you have a name too?” The stranger still seemed to be in a good mood, trusted him even with his unlocked phone, Minhyuk held securely in his hands even though he had no idea who he was. And for a moment, he couldn’t help but smile and a chuckle left his lips.

  
“Yeah, I have a name too,” Minhyuk said amused as he typed Hyungwon’s contact information into his own phone and didn’t think twice before typing his own into the stranger’s phone. He felt so at ease, and couldn’t even remember the last time he had felt like that. It was as if a burden had fallen off his shoulders he was carrying around for so long. Now he really wanted to see who he was, what kind of person belonged to the calming voice and the phone with a cute frog case on it. 

  
“I’m coming out now,” he announced and slowly got up to his feet, which went surprisingly well considering his first try had failed tremendously. Holding his breath and biting nervously down his lower lip, Minhyuk opened the door and stepped outside with his eyes still facing the ground, as a sudden wave of concern came over him once again.  
  


“ _I’m coming out now_ is a pretty unusual name, a bit long too but I think I can live with that.” He heard Hyungwon saying and lifted his head, scanning the room for the person he had been talking to and stared at him incredulously.  
  


Hyungwon was a young boy, who seemed to be around his age with shoulder-length, raven-black hair that framed his insanely beautiful doll-like face, which included an eyebrow piercing on his right side. He was tall, dressed all in black, the fabric only emphasizing his height and his slim body. The red tint of his lips reminded him of Snow White. All in all, he looked more like an ethereal being, way too beautiful to stand with him in a dirty bathroom of a club. The longer Minhyuk stared at the boy, the more he felt his cheeks burning up again.

  
_Why are you so nervous? He’s just so unbelievably handsome._ _  
_ _  
_

“W-What? No, no, no! My name is Minhyuk. H-here!” Minhyuk stepped a little closer to the boy leaning against the wall right next to the washbasins like a fucking model and gave him his phone back. For the very first time in his life, he felt like his classmates having a crush on a celebrity, and he couldn’t believe that he was acting like a teenager - which he undeniably was, actually, they both were.  
  


“What a beautiful name. Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Hyungwon took his phone with a smile, sliding it back into the right pocket of his jeans, looking so damn cool that Minhyuk had a hard time not embarrassing himself even further. Why was such a cool guy even talking to him? Then he remembered that he had given him his number. This guy had his number and Minhyuk had saved Hyungwon’s number on his phone.  
  


_Oh, God._ _  
_ _  
_

He was close to asking him to delete it, but how high would that have been on the embarrassment scale? Instead, he made his way to the washbasins to flush his mouth and wash his hands, suddenly painfully aware of the bitter taste of Dongwoo’s semen on his tongue. He couldn’t quite understand why Hyungwon was able to slow his whole world down just for a little bit - a feeling Minhyuk usually only felt when he hurt himself - as he had never met anyone like him.

Despite Minhyuk feeling his presence Hyungwon remained silent for a while - it wasn’t a threatening nor an uncomfortable silence, that felt like he was picturing him naked or had any kind of unwanted expectations on him, and he wondered why he felt so calm despite the previous incident with his boyfriend.

The sound of the water running down the drain was replaced with the rustling of the paper towels Minhyuk was using to dry his hands before he slowly dared to take a look at the black-haired boy again.  
  


“You know, it’s your right to say _no_ at any point in sexual encounters, right? Being intimate with someone should always be consensual and a balanced giving and receiving of pleasure.” The boy’s voice was still calm, understanding even, without any sign of judgment or paternalism. However, it made Minhyuk all too aware that it was wrong what Dongwoo was doing to him and nobody should have witnessed it. He was the one to blame for letting it happen, for being too weak to prevent or ending it.  
  


_You’re so weak._  
  


“He- My boyfriend is just a bit rough sometimes,” he said, self-conscious, trying to justify Dongwoo’s actions, not knowing if this handsome boy might not be a friend of his. Although Hyungwon was way too nice to be one of Dongwoo’s friends, Minhyuk couldn’t risk any of his words backfiring on him, people talking about him, bullying him for not being a good boyfriend. Being a failure once again. It would be hard enough to play by Dongwoo’s rules the next few days, making him forget about the mistake he had just made, however, the thought of texting Hyungwon made him unusually excited. “Don’t worry about me. I appreciate your concern but I’m fine, really.”

  
_You’re not and you know it._ _But he really seems to care, doesn’t he? Why does he care about you?_

  
The black-haired boy hummed softly as if he already knew that Minhyuk was lying to himself, hell even Minhyuk knew that he was lying to himself, still, he gave him space. Minhyuk’s eyes rested a few seconds too long on the boy’s face, who smiled at him in encouragement, and he couldn’t help but smile back at him. His smile felt like soft, warm rays of sunshine caressing his skin, leaving Minhyuk speechless for a moment, as he watched Hyungwon walk over to the door, letting the music in that had been only a muffled noise until now.

  
“I can’t wait for you to show me your drawings. Get home safe, Minhyuk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sweethearts, how are you doing? Say a warm welcome to Hyungwon! As promised he's a really chill dude with a loving heart ❤️
> 
> Note that I'm not romanticizing self-harm or abusive behavior in any way, and a lot of this story is coming from my own experiences. I wanted to show that even in the darkest times there's something worth living for even though you might not be able to see it just yet.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: unhealthy relationship. Dongwoo is a douche but what's new?
> 
> Please don't read when you're uncomfortable with the topic. Thank you and be safe ❤️

Minhyuk couldn’t stop thinking about Hyungwon, about the tall, black-haired boy with the soft smile and the round kind eyes. The few moments he had spent with him had been so much different from all the times he had ever spent with his boyfriend or with the rare friends he has had that had dumped him oh too soon once they figured out that Minhyuk had nothing special to offer.

  
  
_What makes you even think that this guy would like you? He was just too polite to leave you crying in that bathroom._

_  
_ _  
_ However, even in his disturbed mind full of false beliefs about himself, he couldn't find a logical solution on why Hyungwon would still be texting him if it was just about being polite. 

It had been the day after the party, Minhyuk had gotten a text from Hyungwon - or more precisely some pictures of his designs and the tattoo he had mentioned the previous night. He definitely hadn’t expected Hyungwon to be that talented but it appeared to be that he had been blessed with the whole package of good looks and talent, so Minhyuk wouldn’t have been surprised if he also got an intact family and a sweet loving partner somewhere, and was living an easy-going life. 

Albeit, as much as he hated the thought of having another person’s picture-perfect life getting shoved right into his face, Minhyuk couldn’t help but give in to his selfishness of having at least the illusion of a friend - or at least have one person that treated him nicely.

  
  
He mostly texted Hyungwon when he was alone in the bathroom or when he was sure Dongwoo was already asleep, keeping their conversation his little secret and far away from his boyfriend who would have probably made fun of him - especially his reaction as Minhyuk couldn’t help to suppress the joyful smile that painted his lips whenever he saw Hyungwon’s name on his display. Hyungwon liked his drawings as well, wanted to see more and for what it was worth - Minhyuk believed him. Yes, maybe the boy was just continuously polite, but then again, he had nothing to gain from lying to him and was talented enough to not claim Minhyuk’s sketches as his own. Besides, their styles differed pretty much and it only made Minhyuk more eager to learn more and exchange techniques and inspirations.

  
  
It was Minhyuk’s last day with his boyfriend, and not only that, it was his birthday. Minhyuk had spent the last few days making up for ruining the party for Dongwoo, enduring his hurtful comments, the sex that felt more like an out-of-body experience where he was watching himself pretending that he liked it. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have questioned it that much, would have just listened to the voice inside his head telling him that this was how he was supposed to act. However, there was also Hyungwon’s voice back in the club, telling him that he had the right to say _no_ at any time and it should be pleasurable for both parties.

It was odd how Hyungwon made him question his own behavior already, even though they had only texted for a few days and had met each other in a shady bathroom at a club after an unfortunate encounter with Dongwoo.   
  


_  
_ Minhyuk let the hot water of the shower run down his naked back, while he watched the steam filling the bathroom. He also found peace in the sound of the water hitting the bathtub floor before running down the drain giving him the impression of standing in the warm pouring rain in spring. He often spaced out in the shower, taking the opportunity to get away from Dongwoo at least for a while longer, and recently, his mind was pretty occupied with the newly gained friendship with Hyungwon.

  
  
_What if it’s just your mind playing tricks on you? What if it’s just another fairy tale?_

He couldn’t deny that Hyungwon looked like a male version of Snow White and for a moment he imagined him dancing and singing with the birds in a clearance in the woods, blessed by the sunshine above. Well, Hyungwon didn’t exactly look like he would hang out in the woods that often and would probably prefer singing in a rock band instead with birds. Minhyuk couldn’t help his obsessive thoughts about him, which was most likely the result of his urgent need to be visible to someone, to feel something else but constant numbness.

  
  
Still, Minhyuk wondered if he was just seeing ghosts, hearing their luring whispers that would drag him even further down. How long was Hyungwon’s kindness going to last? How long until they had nothing to say to each other anymore? How long until Hyungwon realized that Minhyuk was boring, messy, and just fucked up? He felt like his mind was riding a rollercoaster, feeling the euphoria of getting to know Hyungwon better and the lows of being confronted with his reality, with his engraved beliefs of being worthless.

  
  
He didn’t know what to believe and what was real anymore, felt like someone was pulling on the covers of numbness to look at what was lying underneath. At the same time, something under the covers was pushing, trying to find a way out and up to the surface for Minhyuk to see, to feel. However, it was terrifying and Minhyuk had no idea if he wanted to lift the covers and face himself, looking straight into the mirror to tell himself that he was worthy of a different life.

  
  
Wasn’t it strange to be caged into your head? To live every single day without really living it?

  
  
Over the last few days, he had tried to just scratch his arm, pinching his skin, or standing under the cold water in the shower to get his mind off the desire to condition himself with his cutter. Yet, nothing resulted in the same calm state he reached when actually felt the blade piercing through his soft skin. It probably wasn’t logical for others and they wouldn’t have understood why he needed to punish himself for the mistreatment other people gave him. Additionally, wasn’t he a hypocrite for needing a fix as even positive events swirled his mind like a mixer?

_Maybe you’re just mental and don’t even know what’s good for you._

_  
_ _  
_ He couldn’t be sure, about anything, couldn’t trust his own judgment, taking his conclusions out of the way people responded to him, and so far, it had almost always been rejection and abuse interrupted by rare encounters with people who actually wanted to be friends with him. People like Hyungwon. His life wasn’t as easy as to simply write down a formula for an equation and put in the right numbers to find out the answer. There simply was no solution - or at least it wasn’t that easy to see.

  
  
With a heavy sigh, Minhyuk turned down the water and stepped out of the shower, and in front of the mirror. He briefly looked at his reflection, the longer strands of his hair sticking to his forehead, and he wondered if the image he was seeing was ever going to change. With another sigh, he reached out for the towel to dry his hair, followed by his body. He slipped into fresh clothes and reached for his toiletry bag pulling out the cutter he had put in there between shampoo and aftershave.

  
  
For a moment he was just staring at it, pushing the blade out before checking the wound on his forearm that was already in the process of healing. The redness of the skin was gone, and the wound would eventually turn into a light white scar, thin and fragile as if scratched by a cat. His body was healing itself so naturally, without him doing anything, whereas his mind seemed unable to flourish and heal, was simply stuck in a loop of a vicious circle, dying at an abnormal speed.  
  


  
Nevertheless, this circle slowly seemed to change itself more and more into a maze, offering the possibility that there might be a way out somewhere, but of course, he couldn’t know for sure. Maybe it was just a chaotic and random combination of walls and paths leading nowhere but deeper into confusion, deeper into the dark where nobody would ever hear his voice, his cry for help. Still, he would walk, staying in motion without knowing if he would ever reach his destination.

  
  
“Hey, are you ready? I don’t want to keep my parents waiting.” A knock on the door, followed by Dongwoo’s voice caught him off guard, almost letting the cutter slip into the basin in front of him.

  
  
“Five minutes! I just have to dry my hair,” Minhyuk announced in a halfway steady voice, pulling the blade back into the body of the cutter to burying it back in his toiletry bag before hastily wrapping a fresh bandage around his forearm and dry his hair with the blowdryer real quick.

  
_Not today._

  
  
It was his birthday after all and they’re going to visit Dongwoo’s parents, which has always been Minhyuk’s highlight of being with his boyfriend, the only _real_ positive event as they always cared about him. Since their introduction, Dongwoo’s parents had given him the impression of being a valid and living human being and not a messed up piece of trash. They provided him with the small piece of family Minhyuk was longing for, but couldn’t have with his own mother, who simply had written him a basic text to congratulate him.  
  
  
-  
  
  
Minhyuk counted himself lucky today as Dongwoo seemed to be in a good mood and since they were visiting his parents, it would mean him keeping his distance to not make them appear as a couple. Normally, Minhyuk would be exceptionally hurt by the fact alone of hiding his relationship but after the past week and Dongwoo’s unfair treatments, he was welcoming a break.  
  
  


_You also cuddled on the sofa almost every now and then while watching movies._

It wasn’t much and by far not enough for a relationship to have any kind of future. How was their future even supposed to look like? Would Minhyuk always remain the invisible boyfriend that only existed when Dongwoo wanted him to? And if carrying too far, was Minhyuk supposed to watch when Dongwoo got married eventually and stand on the sideline forever? It was undeniably true, that there was no happy ending for Minhyuk staying in a relationship, or whatever it was, with this man. However, what other options did he have?  
  
  


He had nothing planned out for his life, was studying hard to always be one of the best in class, which unfortunately made him a nerd and kept him even further away from his classmates. His talents in math and his stunning works of art still meant nothing and didn’t make him well-liked or made it any easier to make friends. Then there were the problems with his mother, the fact that he was gay, and his unhealthy coping mechanism of dealing with problems. None of these things made him interesting or attractive for other people to be friends with or pity him enough to show him that there was more to life but misery.

When Dongwoo had seen the scars on his arms for the first time, he hadn’t shown any kind of concern, and jokingly asked him if he was one of those borderliners. Minhyuk had denied it instantly, telling him that it had happened in youthful carelessness as a test of courage - which was the truth. As new cuts had followed over the years, Minhyuk had told him that he somehow needed it, that it was turning him on so his boyfriend wouldn’t be grossed out by the scars but his motives were far away from that.

  
  
He really wanted to be honest about the pain that was growling in the depths like a sea monster, roaming through the ocean, restless, and unable to find sleep or peace. Although Minhyuk knew it was just a sweet dream that somebody could ever love the whole package of him and even Hyungwon would grow tired of him, he was sure of it. 

Dongwoo and Minhyuk didn’t talk much during the car ride to Dongwoo’s parents, so the only entertainment was the rap music, Minhyuk didn’t like, blasting from the speakers. Outside the window, the scenery looked like one of the most beautiful oil paintings showing the countryside coated in late autumn colors, including rich gradations of reds, oranges, yellows, and olives radiating their magnificence illuminated by the sun. He had always loved the season change from autumn to winter, seeing the decreasing pulse of nature slowing down into a season of tranquility and recovery until the spring would brush the bare skeletons of the tree branches in rich greens, decorating them with the sweet scent of blossoms, beginning a new circle of life all over again.

His boyfriend wasn’t font the colder seasons, preferred everything that would allow him to show off his sculpted body and Minhyuk could only wonder how he had absolutely no interest in the beauty of nature right in front of his eyes. On further considerations, a man like Dongwoo who only showed interest in fast cars, parties, and sex defined depth rather more in a sense of penetration instead of a philosophical context. In other words, Minhyuk shouldn’t have been surprised anymore that his shallow personality hadn’t any hidden chambers filled with gold - especially not after all these years he had been looking for it. 

The car came to hold in front of a huge western-like house that was shaped like someone had stacked various cubes together. The facade was painted in a rich Safran yellow, in fact, all the houses in this neighborhood were painted in bright colors, making it look young and modern. The air wasn’t as polluted as in bigger cities and a nice cool breeze caressed Minhyuk’s face as he stepped out of the car, following Dongwoo over to the gate to open the door to the property. 

Behind the door waited a spacious front yard planted with all kinds of bushes on a carpet of green grass that looked like nobody has ever set a foot on it before. A small path made of smooth white stones led to a stone garden that was close to one of the living room windows - one of the many, many windows of the house. There was also a huge koi pond surrounded by reed, stones, and one of the most beautiful flower beds Minhyuk had ever seen when he first came to visit, which was perfectly bordering on the terrace on the other side of the house. Everything screamed of money, of high-class, still, Dongwoo’s parents had worked hard for it - only their son turned out to be a two-faced bastard.

  
  
After entering the house and taking off their shoes, they walked down the spacious hallway, decorated with huge plants on one side, only emphasizing the high ceiling. At the end of the hallway were stairs leading down to the basement and up to the second floor where the bedroom, a library, and a bathroom were placed. Downstairs was Dongwoo’s former room, well, more like his own personal apartment in his parents’ house but it was mostly in use for their housemaid, to spare her the way to work during the week.

  
  
Further to the left the spacious living area was placed, built like a huge rectangle, and surrounded by a huge glass front. It included the white open kitchen with a cooking island in country house style, custom made dining table that could easily host up to twenty guests, fascinating them with the incredible view over the stone garden outside. The warmth, especially in winter, was assured with the free-standing fireplace right in the middle of the room, leading up to the ceiling like a huge white pillar. The couches in the living room area were made out of black leather, combined with white sideboards and huge paintings decorating the wall leading back into the hallway. 

No matter how breathtaking everything looked, Minhyuk always thought it must feel lonely to stay inside such a huge house all by himself. For him, a small apartment, offering enough space for him and a potential partner or person he liked to be with, would have been enough. Space was luxurious in a populated area like South Korea but Minhyuk would have been happy at any place that welcomed him and provided him with the feeling of home. However, up until now, he was still looking for this particular feeling that seemed to exist only in his imagination and his drawings.

“Dongwoo, honey, is it you?” A female voice asked, followed by a short woman with black hair pinned up to a bun, in an expensive-looking pantsuit coming down the stairs. How could such a sweet woman even give birth to someone like Dongwoo? But then again, how could someone like his own mother even give birth when there was no place for a child in her life? 

“Hey, Ma.” Dongwoo and his mother embraced before she pulled Minhyuk in a tight hug as well.

  
  
“It’s so good to see you. Happy birthday to you sweetheart! Ah, what to give to be so young again,” she laughed and eyed Minhyuk from head to toe. “You look skinny. Haven’t you eaten? Dongwoo, what kind of host are you not feeding your friends when they come to visit? Come in, come in, we prepared cake for you!” 

Minhyuk thanked her, sharing a brief look with Dongwoo who only shrugged his shoulders before following her to the dining area where the maid was already preparing the expensive-looking dishes on placemats, putting a milk can, a sugar bowl and a large coffee pot made out of white porcelain on the table. At least, the maid placed a huge cake in the middle of the table as they all sat down.

  
  
“This looks amazing.” Minhyuk was astonished and thankful even though Dongwoo’s mother probably hadn’t baked the cake herself - but who was he to have any kind of demands?

  
  
“Ah, you’re already here.” A cold breeze suddenly hit them as Dongwoo’s father, dressed in a thick knitted cardigan and brown linen trousers, opened one of the terrace doors to step inside with their family dog, a small white Maltese, who instantly ran over to them under the table, greeting Minhyuk and Dongwoo excitedly. 

“Happy birthday, young man.” Dongwoo’s father said as he sat down, waiting for the maid to finish pouring coffee into his cup and place a piece of cake on everyone’s plate.

“How are you doing? Dongwoo told us you're busy with your finals? It’s important to have a proper education so you can pick up on great opportunities in life. Indeed, Dongwoo could have studied harder but still, he turned out to be hardworking, sealing the deals for the company. I talked to the management the other day and I must say I’m satisfied with your results,” Dongwoo smiled a little reserved, putting a piece of cake with the fork inside his mouth, busying himself with chewing. He was always acting totally differently in front of his parents than he would with his friends or Minhyuk. “Tell me, Minhyuk, what are your plans after school? Have you applied for university or training yet? There’s not much time left.”

  
  
Minhyuk remained quiet for a while, uncertain how to answer but he decided to just be honest about his indecision. “I’m… I’m not entirely sure how to progress, to be honest. I’d like to pursue my arts if possible.”

  
  
“Ah, sweetheart, you’re really talented, that is out of the question but to seriously be an artist you need much more than that. You know, one of my friends has to work as a waitress to finance her art. It’s going to be an all-time struggle and you’re not the only one out there trying. Yes, you’re young and there’s nothing wrong with trying but stability, success, and wealth aren’t built on dreams but responsibility and an open eye for the needs of our society. As a tax adviser for instance you’d always have a job, it’s something people need.”

  
  
“I know,” Minhyuk said, looking down on the rest of his cake on his plate. He knew very well that his dreams and reality were two different things and the value of art was mostly measured by its price not by the actual time and thought the artist had put into it. “Still, design and art are something people need as well, isn’t it? Everything needs visual representation at some point.” If he’d just talked to Dongwoo it would have been so much harder to speak the words out loud, but he felt somehow the need to defend his ability to draw and design.

  
  
_Maybe your talent is really worthless? But it doesn’t make sense that you’re so good at it for no reason._

_  
_ _  
_ “Well, sure if you tend to go into a more commercial direction and know what sells than this can also be sustainable, indeed.” Dongwoo’s father nodded, drinking the coffee from his cup. “It’s not always fun, that is true, but you seem willing to compromise and if you do well with your studies this shouldn’t be a problem.”

  
  
“All he does is study, Dad. He just lacks confidence in what he does so I guess that’s gonna be the problem. Being a nice person doesn’t pay the bills either.” Minhyuk looked over to his boyfriend, slightly speechless but not necessarily surprised that he needed to validate him the moment his father agreed with Minhyuk’s ideas.

  
  
_He can’t have it when it’s not about him, especially not when someone likes you._

_  
_ _  
_ “There’s time for development, Dongwoo. We were concerned about you as well when you were still in school but look at you now you turned out fine and successful. You’re working yourself up in the company and sooner or later you’ll get married and have your own kids to secure the family business,” Dongwoo’s mother said, touching the arm of her son briefly. Her tone didn’t allow any objections as it was pretty important for them to not lose the company they had built with their own hands - if their son wanted to do it or not.

  
  
“Yes, Mom.”

It was obvious that Dongwoo had his own demons to fight and was most likely compensating the lack of autonomy by being the loudest lion in the cage, doing all the rebellious things where he was free to do whatever he wanted. Unfortunately with the price of hurting others. Minhyuk did understand that this family wasn’t flawless, that every family had their own problems but he couldn’t deny his jealousy that Dongwoo had so much support and freedom and no problems finding people to have fun with. It’s what he saw and it was easy - just not for him.

  
  
_If he hadn’t all this luxury and freedom if he had to live your life, what would he do?_

They were both hurting in their own way, which was something that probably attracted them to one another, and yet this attraction was damned to end in misery as Dongwoo was coping by hurting others and Minhyuk by taking it all in and feeling worthless. There was a clear pattern and none of them could see it, blinded by emotional pain they shouldered like a bag of bricks wherever they went. The decision of letting go of continuous pain should have been easy as nobody wanted to get hurt and everybody was looking for a happy and fulfilling life. And still, first of all, letting go of that heavy bag needed the realization that it even existed, and the courage to take the first steps without the crushing baggage because as funny as it was, even an on-going vortex of misery could provide some sense of security whereas a new way into happiness appeared far more dangerous and uncertain.

Minhyuk didn’t intervene with the topic any further, only ate another piece of cake and drank his coffee in silence, since he didn’t know what to say. What was there to say anyway? The only truth that existed was the one that was built on all the lies they spoke on a regular basis which always came at a cost because the thing about the truth was that it would come out sooner or later as lies could be easily forgotten but never the truth.

  
  
It wasn’t like this kind of discussion ruined his birthday mood as he had never once celebrated his birthday in his eighteen years with some kind of parties. As a child it was only their grandparents gathering together for cake, as they passed it was only his mother ignoring him, abandoning him on this special day for men. And even when he met Dongwoo, the celebration part was either him and his friends or Minhyuk being at home alone waiting for a call from him. There was nothing to ruin as it has never been a special day, and only confirmed that the day of his birth wasn’t worth celebrating at all - Minhyuk wasn’t worth being celebrated for existing at all. 

The rest of the conversation was more or less superficial but pleasant enough for Minhyuk as Dongwoo hadn’t had that much of an opinion on the world, while his father liked to read and his mother loved collecting art. Minhyuk had always found it fascinating what they had to tell and how they interacted with one another as he didn’t know any of it from his mother - especially not sitting together as a family, discussing books and art. 

His boyfriend didn’t seem to be in a good mood as they left early in the afternoon to go back to Dongwoo’s place, and Minhyuk wasn’t looking forward to taking the train home soon for six hours just to step into another war zone either - especially not at the end of his birthday. He would escape Dongwoo’s bad mood but couldn’t hope for his mother’s good mood either. So what would it matter? In the end, it didn’t make a difference since he wasn’t important to either of them.

_You’re not special. Only because others are actually celebrating being alive doesn’t mean you’re one of them._

_  
_ _  
_ All the positivity he felt while texting with Hyungwon seemed long forgotten, as well as the black-haired boy himself as Minhyuk’s mind, was too occupied preparing for the alone-time with his boyfriend. Everything could happen, especially since he was in such a strange mood. He couldn’t risk fighting with him considering that he needed Dongwoo to bring him to the train station later. Minhyuk hated being so dependent on everyone but he didn’t see any way to change his situation for the better, so he remained silent and endured the words, the silence, the unwanted physical attention.  
  


  
“I have a special present for you waiting,” Dongwoo announced with a bright grin on his face, standing in the door frame before walking off into another room - probably the living room. They had arrived back at his place and Minhyuk was currently occupied with packing his bags, sitting on the edge of Dongwoo’s bed while folding one of his shirts.

  
  
_I don’t like how that sounds but I hope it’s not your dick._

  
_  
_ Minhyuk really wanted to laugh about the irony but Dongwoo’s presents mostly consisted of sex, parties, or them hanging out in places his boyfriend liked, which unsurprisingly weren’t the places Minhyuk liked to go to. So how special could that present be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm... :}
> 
> Note that I'm not romanticizing self-harm or abusive behavior in any way, and a lot of this story is coming from my own experiences. I wanted to show that even in the darkest times there's something worth living for even though you might not be able to see it just yet.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wish to be the person Hyungwon sees in me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: unhealthy relationship, suicidal thoughts
> 
> This is where good things start to happen 
> 
> Please don't read when you're uncomfortable with the topic and ask for help if you're struggling with anxiety and suicidal thoughts. You're not alone and you're worth living and loving. Thank you and be safe ❤️

“What is it?” Minhyuk asked, trying to use his excited voice as Dongwoo sat down next to him on the bed with one hand behind his back, hiding something for Minhyuk not to see. However, the moment Dongwoo lifted his hand, holding up a small package filled with pure white powder right in front of his face, Minhyuk instantly regretted asking for it.

  
  
“I gave it a lot of thought and since you’re eighteen now, there’s no better way to celebrate it than getting high for the first time, don’t you think.” Dongwoo seemed overly confident that this was an appropriate present for Minhyuk but all the latter could do was stare at the white powder in shock, lacking any kind of control over his expression than the usually composed version he would show. 

  
_He gave it a lot of thought? And this is what he came to conclusion with?_

  
  
“I- I don’t do drugs, Dongwoo. I’m sorry.” Minhyuk slowly shook his head, looking at his boyfriend, who didn’t share his opinion.

  
  
“How can you tell? You haven’t tried any yet. And besides, I think it’s time for you to grow up and live a little more and this will help you relax and make you really horny so we can enjoy ourselves.” Dongwoo leaned over to kiss Minhyuk’s neck, sinking his teeth into the soft skin, leading to a suppressed whine in response and Minhyuk’s body to switch into defense mode.

  
  
_I don’t want to do this. This is not me._

_  
_ _  
_ He felt the panic rising, blistering under his skin like a bush fire, threatening to burn down his entire existence. His lips were shaking as he roamed his eyes aimlessly through the room, unable to speak, unable to push him away too afraid of the consequences that would inevitably follow. As Dongwoo’s tongue licked over his ear, sliding his free hand up Minhhyuk’s leg, his mind was about to get dragged into the darkness by the tight grip of the thick fog pressing all the air out of his lungs, his eyes remained on a certain object.

  
  
His sketchbook. It was placed right on top of his open suitcase and, even only for a brief second, Minhyuk thought about Hyungwon’s words back when they had encountered the first time.

  
  
_“You know, it’s your right to say no at any point in sexual encounters, right? Being intimate with someone should always be consensual and a balanced giving and receiving of pleasure.”_

“No! Stop this.” Minhyuk pushed Dongwoo away, who was obviously as surprised as Minhyuk was. He had no idea where the sudden wave of confidence came from, where the words he had spoken came from, though his heart beat so fast he felt like passing out any second.

  
“Oh, c'mon babe, relax. You’re gonna love it. It’s always scary to try new stuff, just remember the first time we fucked you were literally a baby.” Dongwoo laughed it off, forcing Minhyuk to remember how he lost his first time to him, how awful it felt, how painful it was, and how everything that followed was emptiness and shame. Furthermore, it was still the same feeling he had after every sexual encounter with him and the pure realization of all this mess forced new tears down his cheeks.

  
  
“I don’t want to,” Minhyuk pressed out between gritted teeth, staring down at his fingers tightly grabbing the end of his knitted cardigan. His whole body was shaking in anger and helplessness. He had no idea what he was doing and his mind remained a dark, wide-open space, where stars got sucked into black holes, losing their connection, their meaning, only leaving this terrifying darkness behind. “I don’t want to,” he whispered repeatedly, afraid of his own inability to move or do anything else.

“Fuck. You’re such a damn cry baby. Are you proud of yourself? You completely killed the mood.” Dongwoo didn’t see any necessity in comforting Minhyuk, holding him in his arms and talking their conflict out like adults. No, instead he got up from the bed to tower right in front of Minhyuk. “All this,” He gestured with his hand over Minhyuk’s entire existence. “Is exactly the reason why you have to change. Nobody cares about your tears because you’re not doing anything to take a step in the right direction. This whole cute boy charade might be entertaining for a while but that’s also the reason I need to fuck other people. Do you understand? You’re basically forcing me to do this and you know what? I think we would work out so much better if you’d just go out there and get fucked by other people and get the experience you need to make this work. What else is there to you, huh?”

  
  
Minhyuk didn’t dare to say anything, simply stared down on his tear-covered hands, swallowing his oppressive sobs, which threatened to choke him. Dongwoo’s words had turned into the poisonous fog, slowly crawling through his airways down into his lungs, filling them until there was no air left to breathe. 

“What do your good grades bring you, hm? Nothing!” Minhyuk didn’t dare to look up as he heard paper being ripped but winced in surprise as some of the paper shreds landed on his hands and around his feet - it was one of the drawings he had gifted Dongwoo a few years back, ripped into pieces. For a moment he felt his heart stop, feeling only betrayal and pain as if Dongwoo had grabbed his heart, shattering into pieces like glass. “All you do is this worthless shit and you’re doing nothing that’d make me proud to even call you my _boyfriend_. It’s simply impossible to love you. I’ve really had enough and we’re done here.” 

_You’re worthless. Unlovable._

The impact was short, the wound Minhyuk had tried to fix, ripped open fast like a patch. For a while, he stared at it in disbelief that after all he’d done there was nothing to fix anymore and probably had never been anything worth fighting for in the first place. Dongwoo’s words rained down on him like acid rain, pinching his skin like fine needles over and over again, and yet deep down, there was a part of Minhyuk that was relieved. He was relieved that Dongwoo had taken the burden of breaking up from him, that he had done it himself to set them both free, leaving a battlefield of destruction. 

“I don’t want you here anymore. Go pack your shit and leave,” Dongwoo said eventually, sounding annoyed probably by the lack of response from Minhyuk, who still stared at his hands in his lap. A sob came over his lips from time to time and only a few tears quietly dropped down his jeans as he progressed his words and realized their meaning before he looked up to him.

  
  
“Now?” Minhyuk whispered, looking over Dongwoo’s shoulder at the clock behind him. “But, I’m gonna miss my train taking the bus from here.” 

“Do I look like I care? Figure out a way to the central station on your own. I don’t care how you do it. I’m gonna meet Tonie now to enjoy _this_ with people who actually know what _fun_ means.” He showed off the small package of cocaine before slipping it into the right pocket of his jeans leaving Minhyuk behind surrounded by the shards of their - now former - relationship. 

_What a Deja-vu._

The front door was closed shut, and Minhyuk didn’t know if he felt like crying because Dongwoo left him or laughing out of desperation because his life was so fucked up. His mother had left him behind standing in an ocean of physical shards while his ex-boyfriend left him with even more emotional pain, and the shreds of a drawing he had spent hours in the making with. Everything he was, everything he did was fragile and worthless, and just like his drawing, Minhyuk wondered what was going to be left of him after the numbness vanished to make room for the pain and realization he was unable to feel in this moment.

  
  
_Why did you think of him? Hyungwon._

His voice had been so clear, so loud inside his head as if speaking out the words Minhyuk wasn’t able to say, wasn’t able to allow to take place. It was terrifying and so different from the all too familiar silence and the smiles of giving in and showing people exactly what they wanted to see. But all the masks had fallen now, all the moments of tomorrow including Dongwoo washed away like footprints in the sand. It was all they had ever been, a thick black outline drawn with one’s non-dominant hand, so uneven, never complete and forever hollow like a cheap doll made out of papier-mache. 

Slowly Minhyuk got up from the bed, sweeping the emotional shards out of the way, the clinking echoing inside his ears unpleasantly. He sniffed briefly, wiping the remaining tears away as he carelessly threw his belongings into his suitcase, not looking all too intensely if he’d missed anything. Being all alone in Dongwoo’s apartment, it would have been so easy for Minhyuk to destroy something, _anything_ , but he wasn’t like that and they both knew it. 

As he grabbed his toiletry bag from the bathroom, he thought about cutting himself, but he already felt so dead inside that he would postpone it for later when the full force hit him, pushing him down underwater to drown in a sea of crimson red. 

After packing up, he slipped into his shoes, looking around one last time with a painful knot forming inside his chest, pulling the door shut behind him for good and heading for the bus stop down the street.   
  


  
Minhyuk had absolutely no idea how to get back home if he missed his train - and he would definitely miss it at this point as the bus ride took longer than simply going by car, so he called his mother to ask for advice - who else could he go to anyway?  
  


  
“Minhyuk? What’s going on?” His mother asked after letting it ring for almost five times - he couldn’t really make out her mood but there was nobody else he could go to.

“Hey, so, something came up and I’m going to miss my train. I don’t know if I’ll be able to change the ticket and,” he paused for a brief moment. “I don’t have enough money for taking a last-minute train home.” His voice got smaller and smaller once he spoke the last words and he was unable to speak the words he really needed to.

  
  
_Mama, I’m hurt, I don’t know what to do anymore. Can you help me?_

He heard a man’s voice at the other side of the line and his mother had gotten concerningly quiet, and as he sat alone on the bus stop bench looking up at the patchy grey sky not showing any glimpse of the light blue ocean behind them, he already knew that the sun was never going to shine for him ever again.

“Listen, Minhyuk, you’re eighteen now and I think I did everything I could to support you. I’m going to transfer you money, but please don’t come back. I can’t do this anymore and you’re old enough now.”

  
  
“But… What about my stuff? What about school? I haven’t graduated yet. You can’t just throw me out like that.” He couldn’t believe it. Was he trapped in his own personal nightmare? Hadn’t his life been an ongoing nightmare over and over since he was old enough to remember? Was there ever going to be an end to all this or did he have to end it himself once and for all?

“There are other schools. I’m sure you can stay with Dongwoo a little while longer to figure everything out. Please don’t make this about you, Minhyuk. I sacrificed enough for you, and I have the right to have a private life, and you’re old enough now. When I was your age, everything was so much harder. You really don’t know how lucky you are.”

  
  
“Did he tell you to say that? Don’t do this do me, Mama. I can’t do this on my own!” Panic started to crawl up on him again, followed by the tears and the fact that he knew he’d already lost everything, was reaching out for grains of sand which only slipped through his fingers.

“You’re a smart boy. You’ll figure it out. Remember I’ll always love you and I’ll always be your mother.” 

Did she even hear her own words? Minhyuk wasn’t sure as he stared on the display speechlessly after his mother had hung up on him. He tried to call her again, but she must have switched her phone off. Suddenly, the world’s colors seemed to have faded away and appeared so overwhelmingly big that Minhyuk felt even smaller and insignificant than ever before. Fairies didn’t exist, wishes spoken to the universe didn’t become reality and love seemed to be a construct which was made for other people only, for everyone else that wasn’t Minhyuk.

He looked back up to Dongwoo’s apartment building. Going back wasn’t an option, so Minhyuk got on the bus when it arrived, unsure what to do once he was at the central station. He had nowhere to go anymore. Nowhere. And all his dreams, all his perspectives were gone, lost in the cold late-autumn wind. He tried to calm himself down by putting on his headphones as music had always helped him to build a wall between him and reality. However, the latest memories, so fresh in his mind, only laughed at him, forcing him down deeper into the bottomless starvation, confirming over and over again, that his life was meaningless.

_That’s the end of your story, isn’t it?_

Once he had gotten off the bus, Minhyuk busied himself, trying to change the ticket to go home and hopefully figure things out with his mother, but it was too late. The lady behind the counter couldn’t help him and she looked at him with a compassionate smile sensing his devastation as he left defeated. Minhyuk felt destroyed, unwanted, and broken beyond repair as he looked out for the nearest public bathroom, and closed himself in one of the stalls. There was nothing to feel anymore, his wings cut, disfigured beyond recognition that the concept of freedom and happiness appeared forever unreachable.

As he sat there on the closed toilet seat, staring at the door in front of him, waiting for the tears that didn’t come, he started to open up his suitcase to pull his cutter out of the toiletry bag. He wouldn’t need any disinfectant this time. It didn’t matter anymore, did it? Slipping out of his coat to get easier access to his arm, he sat down on the closed toilet seat. For a moment, Minhyuk only listened to the music still playing over his headphones, the music that had saved him so many times before. Unfortunately, not this time.

  
  
_This is how you die. Lonely and unloved. Is anyone going to mourn you? Your mother? Isn’t there anything left for you?_

With a single tear, Minhyuk rolled up his sleeve, hovering the sharp blade right over his artery, playing the movement out inside his head. One deep cut was all it needed. However, his hand became shaky, and Minhyuk bit down his bottom lip to compose himself, instead, his body started to break out in cold sweat the longer he hesitated. The music didn’t fade, only became louder and louder as if his system was strictly rebellion against the action Minhyuk wanted to carry out.

_One reason. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t go._

He waited for the sign that would probably never come and gritted his teeth together until his jaw started to hurt painfully. But then, right that moment he held his breath inside his lungs, pressing his eyes together to take the last step, his phone vibrated inside his pocket, forcing Minhyuk out of his state of mind. Alarmed, the cutter fell out of his hand and onto his coat he had placed over his suitcase in front of him.

His heart beat so fast he felt like passing out at any moment, still, he reached for the very last straw, a message from the universe telling him that there was still _something_ left for him. After two failed attempts, he successfully unlocked his phone to read the message he had received.

  
  
“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk only formed his name with his lips.

_“Hey! Happy Birthday to you! I know I’m a bit late but I only came out of work. So, I just want you to know you’re amazingly talented and I wish everybody could see what a kindhearted person you are. You deserve everything good in the world and more.”_

Minhyuk read the lines, one, two, three times before he pushed his headphones down and called Hyungwon’s number without really thinking about it. They had never spoken over the phone since they’ve met and Minhyuk had no real idea what to tell him, his mind a blank page waiting for the black ink that would fill them with words.

  
  
“Hey, Minhyuk. How are you doing? I hope I don’t keep you away from your birthday party.” Hyungwon sounded cheerful and Minhyuk felt sorry to ruin his mood but this was his only chance left and he couldn’t wait for another second, waiting for the demons to come back, dragging him down into the darkness to cut him off from the light once and forever.

  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Minhyuk whispered, staring on the tiled floor under his feet. “He just dumped me, they both did. I have nowhere to go. I…” He held his breath for a long while, overwhelmed by his own weakness and his inability to find a reason to live. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”   
  


“Minhyuk, where are you? It’s okay, we’re gonna figure this out together, alright?” Hyungwon sounded calm but he was undoubtedly alarmed by Minyhuk’s words.

“At the central station. One of the bathrooms in the lower area, I can’t remember the number, I… I don’t know…” Minhyuk started sobbing again, pressing his eyelids together and his free hand over his eyes, feeling sorry for pulling this beautiful young boy into his mess. “It’s all so messed up. I’m so messed up.”

“I’m close by. Minhyuk, stay on the phone and talk to me. No matter what it is, just talk to me. Do you hear me? What’s your favorite color?” Hyungwon sounded like he was in a rush, running through a crowd maybe considering the hectic background noises.

“R-red, like… deep red roses,” Minhyuk pressed out between his lips, feeling a major headache incoming as he tried so hard to focus on Hyungwon’s voice and forming his answers while the shadows in the back of his mind kept pulling on him, forcing him to collapse down on his knees.

“Red roses are beautiful! Your designs often show roses, right? Is there a reason why you like them so much?” He heard Hyungwon apologizing to a few people due to pushing through the crowd in a hurry. By now, he sounded short of breath but he never stopped listening and asking questions to keep Minhyuk occupied. 

“I- I don’t know.” Minhyuk took a deep breath, pressing his fingers and his thumb against his temples, trying to come up with a reason why it was roses and no other flower. He tried to remember his first encounter with roses and when he fell in love with them. “My grandmother used to give me roses for my birthday every year when I was little. Blue roses. She bought them only for me and when she got sick she advised my grandfather to buy them for me. After she passed, only the blue roses remained, looking like an ocean of teardrops but I knew she was free.” 

Before his mind even had the chance to drift off into forming any conclusion that would involve him and passing away, there was a knock on the door.

“Will you let me in?” He heard Hyungwon’s voice over the phone and behind the closed door, sounding so calming, so soothing like the ocean waves. Minhyuk could have listened to it all day long.

“Yes,” he whispered more to himself, putting the cutter inside the pocket of his coat, reaching out for the key to unlock the door and letting Hyungwon in. Minhyuk was still shaky and his legs didn’t feel like they were part of his body so he remained sitting on the toilet for a moment longer.

Hyungwon was wearing a leather jacket and a bright red scarf around his neck, complimenting his cheeks that were colored in a bright red blush. As he stepped in, he let his phone slide into his pocket before pulling Minhyuk into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry, I know I should ask for your consent but I’m so happy you’re alive,” he whispered and it didn’t take long for Minhyuk to wrap his arms around Hyungwon, overwhelmed by how good it felt to have him here, to feel him so close. He was so relieved. 

“Thank you,” Minhyuk sobbed, holding on to Hyungwon for his dear life for a few moments, who only held him close. None of them didn’t care about the questioning eyes passing by the half-open door, wondering why two young men were hugging on the toilet. They didn’t know, would come up with their own conclusion but they would never understand.

  
  
“You know, we have to stop meeting in public bathrooms,” Hyungwon said, loosening his embrace a bit so he could look into Minhyuk’s teary eyes. “I mean the service isn’t the best, no coffee, snacks and then the lack of space. I feel like we can do better than that.” 

For a moment Minhyuk just looked at him incredulously but couldn’t help the laughter leaving his lips so naturally. He just laughed despite looking like a mess with puffy cheeks and irritated eyes, and it seemed so easy when it was Hyungwon spending him comfort and warmth, almost natural as if it had to be this way.

  
  
“Let’s go home.” Hyungwon smiled softly, catching a short glimpse of the scars on Minhyuk’s arm but didn’t comment anything on it as he helped him up on his feet and into his coat before taking Minhyuk home with him.

  
  
-

Hyungwon’s apartment wasn’t quite the way Minhyuk had expected it to be - additionally to the neighborhood he was living in. Instead of a family home, Minhyuk found himself in a one-room apartment with a small hallway leading to the bathroom and the room that had a niche for the kitchen next to the big floor to ceiling window to the left. The only furniture was a sofa, a wardrobe next to the bed and a small table, and some wobbly shelves which had definitely seen better days. There was no real concept recognizable as one would usually expect, only including the most necessary things. Although it undeniably looked like a teenager was living here judging by the chaos, the open bottles, and dirty dishes on the table and clothes lying around everywhere. 

_Is he already living alone? Where are his parents?_

“Here, make yourself comfortable,” Hyungwon said and threw some clothes off the sofa so Minhyuk had some space to sit on. He vanished into the kitchen and Minhyuk only heard rattling and clanking as he sat down on the sofa, leaning aside to maybe catch a glimpse of what Hyungwon was doing - without success. “Do you want water? I also have tea or soda or beer if you want.”

  
  
“Water is fine,” he said looking at the poster of a rock band he didn’t know that hung on the opposite wall surrounded by sketches - probably from Hyungwon. Right next to the sofa was all his tattoo equipment, which must have cost a fortune Minhyuk assumed. It appeared Hyungwon had already all the freedom one could hope for and enough support from his parents to live on his own and experiment with his passion. Was he even allowed to tattoo people at this age? 

And another thing, Minhyuk found odd was the lack of books and school supplies lying around. Did Hyungwon already finish school? His text had said he came from work so he couldn’t message earlier. Was he working part-time besides his studies? At first glance, there wasn’t any evidence at all that Hyungwon was studying - not even a backpack in some corner. But considering the state this apartment was in, it seemed highly unlikely that Hyungwon was tidying up his school supplies - if there had been any in the first place. “Uhm, how old are you by the way?” It wasn’t necessarily smooth but he couldn’t help his curiosity.

  
  
“Seventeen.” Hyungwon smiled as he placed a bottle of water on the table and plate with a piece of chocolate cake with a pink candle on it - most likely made to celebrate children’s birthdays. “I haven’t any other candles but this one is pretty cute, don’t you think?” Hyungwon sat down beside him with his own plate. 

_He’s younger than you and has all this?_

_  
_ _  
_ “Yeah, it’s cute.” Minhyuk was surprised, staring at the piece of cake and the candle as if he couldn’t quite figure out how to proceed from here. So many questions ran through his mind but didn’t dare to ask in order to keep the good mood alive but he couldn’t help overthinking this whole situation and Hyungwon living all by himself, having pink candles lying around. “Did you make it yourself?”

The cake looked handmade and not as if coming out of a factory or was baked with ready-mix ingredients, though Hyungwon didn’t exactly look like someone who liked to bake. But maybe he liked baking those horror cakes in the shapes of Halloween decorations? Looking down on his plate again, this thought also seemed highly unlikely.

_Or maybe from his sister? Or his mother? Or his girlfriend._

“Nah, I’m working at a coffee shop and always take the leftovers home. And it’s still your birthday, right? You have to make a wish and blow out the candle.” Unlike his bad boy appearance, Hyungwon was so cheerful and so relaxed that it even affected Minhyuk - which was more than unexpected considering that he had wanted to end his misery in a public bathroom - on his birthday. But here he was, sitting next to an insanely handsome boy, staring at a pink candle on a piece of chocolate cake, unsure what he should wish for. 

“I’m not sure if there’s anything I can wish for. Dreams and wishes never become true for me. I’m eighteen years old and have nothing left. I just… lost my relationship and my home and my whole education were for nothing. I- I don’t know. It just seems all so pointless.” Minhyuk felt defeated, unsure if he even deserved such a generous moment with Hyungwon. Everything was so new, so different and Hyungwon cared so much unlike everyone else. But was it enough to change everything that was going to come?

“You could wish for a new beginning and start over. You could wish for being happy and finding the way to your own happiness despite all those setbacks. I know it may not seem like it now but I believe you’ll come out stronger and happier in the long run, no matter how overwhelming your pain might feel. It’s valid, all your feelings are valid, the painful ones but also the pleasant ones. Besides, I want to celebrate you being alive because there’s only one you and you deserve all the love and happiness there is.” It was so odd but he wanted to believe everything Hyungwon said. How could Hyungwon be so sure that Minhyuk deserved happiness when he didn’t know that much about him? All this might have been just another illusion, another wishful dream of finding a place to belong, but maybe this was real.

Minhyuk looked down on the piece of cake again, generating a wish he wanted to come true - for real this time, even if he couldn’t really believe in it since none of his wishes had ever become true - before he leaned closer to the candle, blowing it out. 

_I wish to be the person Hyungwon sees in me._

He earned applause from the younger boy next to him, then they started to eat their cakes, and listen to some music. Sitting here with Hyungwon and celebrating the last moments of his birthday felt surreal, like an alternative universe, which made Minhyuk wonder if he hadn’t just died back at the central station and this was the life he had been reborn into. But did rebirth actually work like that? He wasn’t familiar with the topic but he doubted it worked that way. 

Wasn’t he supposed to feel devastated, empty, and depressed? Hopeless beyond measure? Why was he actually smiling and enjoying his time with Hyungwon? Was it just a short phase of euphoria before he would crash and burn again? Minhyuk didn’t know. All he did know was that there was someone next to him paying attention to his words, being grateful that he was alive no matter how fucked up he was. And maybe that was all he needed to know for now.

Someone to remember him that he was alive, even if he couldn’t understand just yet what he could give someone like Hyungwon in return.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this story for so long ❤️ we're now moving forward into the healthy and healing part of the story (and the incredibly cringy falling in love part...) 
> 
> Note that I'm not romanticizing self-harm or abusive behavior in any way, and a lot of this story is coming from my own experiences. I wanted to show that even in the darkest times there's something worth living for even though you might not be able to see it just yet.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon owns a dying bonsai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: unhealthy coping mechanism (at the beginning), disgusting fluff the rest of the chapter
> 
> Please don't read when you're uncomfortable with the topic. Thank you and be safe ❤️

Minhyuk felt restless and sleep seemed far away, unreachable even as he thought about the things that had happened over the last couple of hours - or to be more precise - the things he had done, the decisions he had made, and the people he had surrounded himself with that had led him to this point in his life. He was here, lying on the sofa of the handsome young boy, who had saved him from making a big mistake, looking even more ethereal when he was sleeping. Nevertheless, Minhyuk was bathed in cold sweat, thinking that the only thing he had left the shards of his past and the pain of never being good enough for anyone. It wasn’t unusual to get hurt anymore but it never hurt less.

  
  
_You’re just a failure. Nobody wants you._

_  
_ _  
_ He felt his lower lip quiver accompanied by a new flood of tears slowly rolling down his hot cheeks. All the effort he had put into his studies had become worthless, so close before reaching his goal and getting his high school degree to build up a better future for himself. His mother’s voice was echoing through his head, followed by Dongwoo’s hurtful comments and the memory of his touches on his body that never felt quite right, had never been compatible with the definition of love Minhyuk had. And then there was Hyungwon. Hyungwon would leave him sooner or later, he would find reasons to hate him, would try to overwhelm him, maybe touch him, use him, would see how weak and disgusting Minhyuk was before he threw him out like a trash bag. 

  
“ _It’s simply impossible to love you.”_

_  
_ _  
_ Dongwoo’s words echoed through his mind over and over again as if he was standing right next to him. As if Minhyuk was still captured inside the situation, reliving it over and over again. Panic was rising inside his body, forcing him to get up and go for the only fix he knew to stop this internal pain he couldn’t face. He couldn’t grieve, couldn’t hold himself as it was too painful to endure. All he wanted was to breathe, to see the crimson flower bloom again that was captured under his skin, it needed fresh air, it needed care and Minhyuk needed it to stop his tears running down his cheeks uncontrollably.

_You’re unwanted. You’ve always been unwanted._

He had known that the numb feelings would break through his conscience sooner or later, had known that the happiness he experienced with Hyungwon couldn’t be real, and was just a glimpse of all the things he could never have. It wasn’t meant for him.

Minhyuk was living in restriction all his life and right now the wish to disappear was so much stronger than the wish to just forget. He made sure to be quiet as he left the room to look for his belongings, his years of living in the shadows in his mother’s house had perfectly provided him with the ability to be invisible. The rustling of him pulling the cutter out of the depths of his coat pocket filled the silence of the small apartment before he vanished into the small bathroom. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said to his own reflection in the mirror, apologizing for being too weak, for being unable to protect himself, his heart, his soul from breaking - for punishing himself because he was unable to find his place in this world.

  
  
_“I'm working my ass off for you and all you do and ever did is destroying my private life!”_

  
  
Minhyuk sank down into the corner of the ground level shower, grabbing the cutter with both hands, pushing the sharp blade out slowly, listening to every click it made on the way out. More and more tears ran down his cheeks resulting from the situations of rejections playing on repeat inside his head. He didn’t want to do this anymore, he couldn’t live like this, couldn’t endure anymore, and didn’t feel strong enough to fight for himself anymore. Halting sobs came over his lips, his chest rose and fell irregularly as he pushed up the sleeve of his pullover.

  
  
_I don’t matter. It’s all my fault. But I just wanted to be loved._

_  
_ _  
_ He bit down his bottom lip as he pushed the blade into his skin, trying to cut deeper this time, hoping it would numb him bad enough to make him the empty shell he was. His hand was shaking as a small cry left his lips, followed by the welcoming spinning of his head, the high that finally stopped his tears, and the ringing inside his ears that shut out every existent noise.

  
  
_“You are a mistake.”_

_  
_ _  
_ Staring down on the cut, Minhyuk became aware of the piercing pain, saw the blood that painted his skin red but he didn’t care. It wasn’t fatal and he couldn’t understand why, after all that happened, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it now and not back then in the public bathroom. Why was there still that small piece of him that wanted to keep living? For what purpose? Minhyuk didn’t know but he could only wonder as he stared at the tiles in front of him, without really seeing them. For now, the pain made him dizzy and everything was quiet and questions were just questions, thin air he breathed in and out without thinking about it. He just existed in any form whatsoever and that’s when he heard a familiar voice calling his name.

  
  
“What the actual fuck are you doing, Minhyuk! Fuck! Give me that.” He recognized Hyungwon’s angry voice but needed a moment to realize that the young black-haired boy was kneeling next to him, pressing a towel onto the wound of his arm with his left hand. The long fingers of Hyungwon’s right hand reached out for the cutter, ripping it out between Minhyuk’s stiff fingers and throwing it aside. “Are you nuts? Fuck! Why are you doing this to yourself?” 

_To myself?_

  
A sudden panic began to poison Minhyuk’s blood, making him realize that he had been caught in this humiliating moment of self-restriction, a moment he had always tried to hide from the eyes of others so nobody would ever see how broken he really was. After all, nobody cared anyway. 

“Let go! Let go of me! Fuck.” Minhyuk yelped, trying to push Hyungwon away from him.

  
  
“You have no idea how it feels! You have so much freedom to try yourself out, draw and do tattoos and you’re already living alone, probably have your parents pay for it and you probably have a nice relationship as well. You have it all. You don’t know how it feels.” Tears began to well up inside his eyes again, his words quivering from the harsh sobs in between. His brain couldn’t quite follow up with the fact that this wasn’t his mother accusing him of destroying her life nor Dongwoo not caring at all about his well being. Hyungwon was here and Hyungwon wanted to help him, reaching out for him, asking him why he was hurting.

“Oh?” Hyungwon’s face was unreadable as he still kneeled next to him motionless, looking at him in silence, and Minhyuk was waiting for him to confirm it all. He wanted Hyungwon to confirm that he was right, that he had absolutely no idea how he felt and would pity him, leave him, or even bully him like any other person before him. Instead, a sad smile shadowed his plush lips as he said in a low but soft voice: “My parents are dead, Minhyuk. They died in a car accident last year. I’m the only one that survived.” 

All of a sudden, the air felt too thick to even take another breath and silence hovered over them like a knife ready to cut through everything in its way. The blood rushing through Minhyuk’s veins froze instantly, and his heartbeat echoed so loud in his ears that he became afraid Hyungwon might hear it, that it might be enough to push him down the huge crater Minhyuk had just caused between them. He would have understood if Hyungwon would have just thrown him out, as he had clearly overstepped a line with his accusations. What even gave him the right to say things like this to Hyungwon? Minhyuk felt embarrassed, ashamed that he had projected all his beliefs onto the young boy in front of him who had already experienced such great loss in his life.

  
  
“I’m- I’m so sorry,” Minhyuk whispered hoarsely, his voice barely audible, avoiding eye contact as he was too afraid of the consequences that would follow. Was Hyungwon going to kick him out of his apartment, out of his life even? And where would he go? He was a nobody and had nothing. But then again, Hyungwon survived worse and he had absolutely no right to sit in front of him, hurting himself because he couldn’t handle his emotions any other way. “I feel so awful. I didn’t mean to-”

_You’re making this all about yourself again. Stop it._

_  
_ _  
_ Minhyuk couldn’t feel the pain in his forearm anymore, his own pain, too focused on how he could apologize to Hyungwon for making such a crucial mistake. He was so embarrassed and disappointed by himself for accusing him of his anger. Did he rip Hyungwon’s own wounds open with his stupidity? 

“Here.” Hyungwon offered him his hand with a soft expression on his face. “Squeeze it as hard as you can.” Minhyuk looked at him in confusion. Wasn’t he angry with him? Didn’t he want to throw him out as soon as possible? Was he going to help him up?

  
  
Unsure about Hyungwon’s motives, Minhyuk grabbed his hand tightly, surprised by himself that he was trusting this boy so much. Well, the short regret followed instantly as Hyungwon reached up over their heads with his free hand, to turn the cold water on - ice-cold water to be more precise.

  
  
“Holy fucking shit!” Minhyuk cried out in shock and disbelief, squeezing Hyungwon’s hand as hard as he could, even using his other hand to grab his upper arm harshly, feeling his clothes getting soaked. His skin didn’t take long to feel painfully cold and he was freezing to the core, shaking. With his eyes wide open, Minhyuk looked at Hyungwon who casually pushed his wet black hair back. He was as soaked as Minhyuk was, holding his hand as if to tell him _We’re in this together. You’re not alone._  
  


“It always helped me when I felt hopeless and depressed.” The black-haired boy turned the water down, had he only aimed for the moment of shock to push Minhyuk’s system back on track.  
  


Minhyuk’s body was shivering from head to toe and still, he couldn’t quite believe what had just happened to him. It felt like someone had just pressed the reset button and it took a few moments for Minhyuk to become aware of every detail of his surroundings again. He was still squeezing Hyungwon’s hand - who was not less shivering than Minhyuk - as if his life was depending on it, the skin around the cut felt itchy but had stopped bleeding almost completely. No matter what he intended to say, Minhyuk was unable to.

  
  
_He’s still here. He’s holding your hand. This is real, isn't it?_

_  
_ _  
_ “Can you get up?” Hyungwon asked, receiving a slow nod from Minhyuk and let the taller boy help him up on his feet again. God, he needed to get out of these clothes before he turned into an ice sculpture or simply got sick. “Do you feel able to survive a moment without holding my hand so I can grab towels and fresh clothes?” The black-haired boy joked with a sweet grin on his lips. At first, Minhyuk didn’t see what exactly the problem was until he looked down on Hyungwon’s hand he was still holding in a tight grip.

  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, feeling the heat rising up in his cheeks, probably coloring him like a ripe tomato fitting his Bordeaux-red hair like an unfortunate color progression.

  
  
“You’re really cute,” the younger boy said and placed a bath towel on his head he had grabbed from the holder on the wall. “This bathroom thing is really something, at least it’s not a public one this time.” Hyungwon grinned. “Get out of these wet clothes in the meantime. I won’t look, I promise.”

  
  
Before Minhyuk could give any answer, Hyungwon had already left the bathroom to hurry into his room to grab fresh towels and clothes for the both of them, leaving wet footprints and drops of water all over the floor. Minhyuk stood dumbfounded in the bathroom, was clearly taken aback by the treatment Hyungwon was giving him, then remembered the towel on his head and started to dry his hair with it. He got rid of the dump clothes, still surprised how effective Hyungwon’s method had turned out since he felt calmer and his mind resembled more a calm day at sea instead of the thunderstorm that had blustered through his entire body just moments ago.

  
  
A soft knock at the door caught his attention when he had undressed apart from his shorts, and for a moment Minhyuk was scared that Hyungwon would just stand there, staring at his half-naked body with those hungry eyes Dongwoo had usually given him. Although, quite the contrary was the case. He found Hyungwon standing in front of the bathroom door with his eyes closed and his long arms packed with a big fluffy towel and fresh clothes on top.

  
  
_He really doesn’t look._

  
  
“They might be a bit oversized but I think our sizes aren’t that different.” Minhyuk stepped closer and slowly took the towel and clothes out of Hyungwon’s hands, holding them in front of his body to study Hyungwon’s beautiful angel-like face. Was he even real? Was this an alternative universe Minhyuk had suddenly woken up to?

  
  
“Thank you,” he whispered after clearing his throat, his teeth still chattering a bit.

  
  
“I’ll change in the room. Take your time and come over when you’re ready so we can take care of your arm and actually get some sleep.” Hyungwon’s voice still sounded so incredibly understanding, warm, and caring, never giving away any hint of judgment or disgust. Minhyuk saw the younger boy walk towards the room, and slowly closed the door. He pressed the pile of fabric in his arms against his nose, inhaling the sweet scent of Hyungwon’s softener. It didn’t smell like anything specific or anything fancy but it definitely smelled like Hyungwon which, for some reason, calmed Minhyuk even more down. 

As he slipped out of his underwear and completely dried his body with the soft towel, Minhyuk felt the crippling pain in his arm, becoming aware of it only now that no other stimuli disturbed him. The wound was deep, deeper than ever before and it for the first time in his life, it felt wrong looking at the wound, the red color he could see under his skin flooding like a river. He put on some fresh shorts and sweatpants and was careful to not touch the area of his forearm with the oversized hoodie he pulled over his head, rolling up the sleeve to his elbow. 

_Where is it?_

_  
_ _  
_ He remembered Hyungwon throwing the cutter aside but when Minhyuk looked around the bathroom it was nowhere to be found, which could only mean he had taken it as he had left for the towel and clothes. There was a short moment of anxiety, as Hyungwon had taken the only false friend away Minhyuk had ever known, and he wasn’t sure what was going to wait for him once he would face Hyungwon again. 

The younger boy had looked so angry, but it wasn’t this kind of angry expression his mother had given him way too many times. No, Hyungwon had looked deeply concerned about him, finding Minhyuk in one of his most vulnerable moments and he had shared one of his most vulnerable pieces of information with him despite not knowing him very well. He was holding his hand, never giving him any doubt that he really cared - like back then in the club.

  
  
_He cares so much about you. But why?_

_  
_ _  
_ Everything he was experiencing with Hyungwon was messing with Minhyuk’s head and all the beliefs he has ever had of how other people saw him, and he already felt a major headache incoming. Minhyuk took a deep breath before setting off to the bedroom, where Hyungwon was looking through one of his shelves. 

“Sit, sit. I’ll be there in a moment,” he said without looking at him. The black-haired boy was dressed in a black oversized shirt and black sweatpants, his bare feet on the floor making funny sounds with every step he took, and it was a real challenge for Minhyuk to keep his eyes off him as he sat down cross-legged in the middle of the bed.

“Ah, there it is.” Hyungwon apparently found what he was looking for and flopped down in front of Minhyuk on the soft mattress, spreading the first-aid-kit out reaching out for his arm. “May I?”

  
  
“Why are you doing all this?” Minhyuk asked, surprised that he was able to get the words over his lips so easily, despite his heart beating so fast inside his chest, anxious of facing the consequences of the previous incident. Maybe Hyungwon was taking care of his wounds and would tell him to leave first thing in the morning - well, then he’d seriously be fucked. Although it was so surreal that someone else saw, and touched, his exposed forearm, the warzone of his body, he didn’t flinch back and allowed Hyungwon to take care of his wounds. 

“Because you are hurting and I don’t want you to bleed all over my bed.” Hyungwon grinned and carefully disinfected the wound with an alcohol swab, which made Minhyuk hiss thanks to the sudden flood of pain. “You also don’t deserve to break under the lack of empathy of other people, and what they project on you. It doesn’t define who you really are and says more about them than you. So, the best revenge on the people who’ve wronged you is living your best life.”

  
  
“But I have nothing left. Nothing worth living for, that’s- that’s why I need to do this, to feel that I’m still alive.” Minhyuk was quick in his reply, justifying the wounds and his mere existence as if any other answer was just not realistic and incompatible for him. He watched Hyungwon’s long fingers placing a clean pad over the cut before he started to wrap the bandage around it. The younger boy seemed focused on his task and didn’t look up to him as he began to speak again.

“You have me and I’m going to remember you that you’re still alive,” Hyungwon hummed softly, finishing fixing the bandage and finally looked up, and directly into Minhyuk’s face, forcing his cheeks to set on a brighter red color again - damn, why was it so hard to look at Hyungwon without blushing? However, his words just hit the right spot without even trying, and tears slowly ran down his cheeks without Minhyuk having any control over it.

  
  
“Shit, I- fuck,” he cursed and wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie. Hyungwon must have thought of him as a huge cry baby despite being eighteen years old. “You are not going to throw me out in the morning?”

  
  
“Why would I? Do you have somewhere else to go?” Hyungwon slightly laughed in amusement to relax the atmosphere, reaching out to place one of his big hands on Minhyuk’s burning wet cheek, tracing his thumb slowly over it. “You’re stronger than you think you are and those wounds only show that you’ve been holding on and enduring way too much than you deserve and yet you’re still here. You’re like a rose in the desert and people are trying to cut your roots, taking your blossoms to decorate themselves while you wither away. But there are a few people who can appreciate beauty when they see it and they’ll treasure you and you should too.”

  
  
Hyungwon smiled softly and withdrew his big palm from Minhyuk’s cheek, leaving an indescribable, tingling warmth back on his skin even Minhyuk couldn’t have made up in his wildest dreams. “However, even desert roses need sleep so we should call it a day and figure out everything else tomorrow.” The black-haired boy tidied up the bandages and disinfectant and placed it aside on his bedside table before laying down on the bed again, shortly followed by a hesitant Minhyuk. Was it even okay? Or was he supposed to go back to sleep on the sofa?

  
  
As the light was switched off and the night fell over them again, Minhyuk seemed way too overwhelmed to sleep, even though his malfunctioning brain was clearly screaming for it, unable to process all the kindness given to him. “Can… you hug me?” he heard himself say, not sure how he was even able to ask for anything and especially for physical closeness when all he had ever gotten from his now ex-boyfriend was an unpleasant taste of intimacy.

  
  
_But this feels different. Everything Hyungwon does and says feels different._

_  
_ _  
_ “Yeah. Come here,” Hyungwon said and Minhyuk hesitantly found his way into his arms, feeling his secure embrace, their long legs tangled together, and Hyungwon’s heartbeat against his ear, making him suddenly really sleepy. He smelled so good, like safety, like home and Minhyuk couldn’t tell why but for the first time in his life he knew, he was going to be okay even with the uncertainty of the unknown future. 

-

He woke up to an unfamiliar wakeup call, which made him blink in confusion. It took him a while to realize where he was and especially who he was with. He wasn’t at home, nor was he with Dongwoo, his now ex-boyfriend, but was blessed with the beautiful sleepy face of Hyungwon. His face looked even cuter, all puffy from sleep, his lips even more swollen than normal and he hadn’t let go of Minhyuk all night, and was still holding him close with his long arms wrapped around his body. It was so warm, so comfortable, and even when Minhyuk became aware of how close they were, he didn’t feel the usual panic of feeling another one’s body on his own. There were no expectations, no danger or threat of another unwanted situation.

  
  
No, it was Hyungwon holding him, spending him comfort when he had thought that his life had come to an end. And as much as he was ashamed of the fact that the boy in front of him had witnessed him hurting himself, it also felt kind of liberating. However, he was still pretty good at embarrassing himself as he couldn’t stop staring at Hyungwon like he was an ethereal being sent to earth to spread grace and beauty amongst the living. Minhyuk really wanted to trace his fingers over his cheeks and his beautiful plush lips, feeling the softness under his fingertips and his own lips.

_Hold up! What are you thinking about here?_

Hyungwon kept one arm wrapped around Minhyuk as he turned around sleepily to find his phone and shut the unwelcome harbinger of the morning up before returning to the welcoming source of heat in the form of Minhyuk’s body. His eyes were closed again, his breathing regular and soft. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get out of bed and Minhyuk never knew what to say in the morning, concerned about their reaction and their mood. So Minhyuk tolerated the silence for the moment, letting his eyes explore Hyungwon’s mesmerizing features a little while longer. 

As someone who loved aesthetics, looking at Hyungwon’s face was unimaginably pleasing. The long black strands of hair scattered all over the pillow, softly framing parts of his forehead like brush strokes, and his long eyelashes almost touching the skin of his cheeks, his round nose, and the little mole on his lower lip. He imagined how he would fill the pages of his sketchbook with those features in all variations, discovering new details with every sketch. Who had decided to bless Hyungwon with such perfect genes? And why did he enjoy looking at his face this much? Minhyuk had never been that fascinated by someone else, and he didn’t want to risk touching such utter beauty, afraid it would turn into something ugly right under his fingertips. 

“Morning,” Hyungwon mumbled, ripping Minhyuk out of his thoughts, bringing him back to more earthly problems and the fact that he was indeed lying in this boy’s arms, without any kind of perspective in his life. 

“Good morning,” Minhyuk whispered. “You’re not a morning person, are you?”

“I’m not an awake person in general.” he chuckled and slowly opened his eyes, rubbing them with his right hand. “But I have to get ready for work. Can I have my arm back so I can take a shower?” There was the typical grin Hyungwon had shown him a few times now and it took Minhyuk a few seconds to realize that he was lying on his arm, preventing him from getting up.

“Sorry.” Minhyuk was quick to sit up, feeling slightly useless considering that this wasn’t his home and he had nowhere to go. He wasn’t familiar with Hyungwon’s daily routines. Would he just end up as a burden for him? 

_His parents are dead, so he can probably barely support himself and you’re going to make it so much harder for him._

“Would you mind preparing breakfast while I take a shower? Doesn’t have to be anything fancy though.” Hyungwon got up from the bed, tousling through his long hair as he headed yawningly to the bathroom, and didn’t seem to mind Minhyuk’s presence inside his home at all. 

“Sure,” Minhyuk said more to himself as the bathroom door was closed and he got up from the bed as well to walk over to the big window flooding the room with sunshine. Now by day, he could see the neighborhood more clearly. There was a small park on the other side of the street, and the houses seemed to be more on the older side. As far as he could see, there was a small supermarket, a Chinese restaurant, and a small kiosk included in the block of houses opposite the one Hyungwon’s apartment was in. The street under the window wasn’t very crowded at this time of the day - but it was definitely not the kind of neighborhood Minhyuk had preferred to live in. And considering the wealth Dongwoo and his parents lived in, this was a major downgrade.

However, it was going to be a beautiful day, which felt incredibly odd to Minhyuk considering that it was one of his darkest days just a few hours ago. But he was still alive, still breathing and time was running tirelessly, effortlessly as if nothing could ever stop it. 

_What’s your life going to look like from now on?_

He didn’t know. All the cards on the table seemed to be shuffled in a completely new order, standing tall in a new deck, ready to be dealt out to ensure a different outcome of the game. But what if nothing would change at all? What if, by chance, he pulled all the wrong cards again because he was just doomed to live an unhappy life? 

Minhyuk looked down on his arm, on the bandage Hyungwon had wrapped around the cut so carefully. He hadn’t been alone in two of his darkest moments the previous day as there had always been Hyungwon helping him up again, reaching for his hand and never letting it go. And Minhyuk wondered how he could ever repay the favor. The favor of saving his life, that seemed to outweigh anything in his ability. 

_You could start by making him breakfast._

A few steps to the left and Minhyuk found himself in Hyungwon’s tiny kitchen, which had everything a kitchen needed only in very confined space conditions. The kitchen was shaped like an L, offering a coffee machine next to the tap, followed by the hearth and the oven, adjoined by the refrigerator. There also was a big window facing down the street, and Hyungwon stored all kinds of things on the windowsill, including a lot of snacks, and a dying bonsai, Minhyuk really wanted to save from its owner.

Looking through the cabinets on the wall, Minhyuk found the coffee, plates, and mugs, and after a very disappointing look into the fridge, he prepared a simple breakfast with buttered toast and some yogurt that was very close to its due date anyway. By day, Hyungwon’s single-room apartment didn’t seem as desirable as it had looked the night before, especially with the new knowledge he had gained about the death of his parents. 

_This is all he has._

It wasn’t much, and Minhyuk could only imagine how hard it must be for him being on his own already. He was still standing on his feet despite losing his safety net, so what gave Minhyuk the right to end his own misery? He felt embarrassed, especially that Hyungwon was helping him so dedicated, being so nice to him all the time, wanting him to keep going even though he had no idea where.

As he placed the cups and plates on the table, Hyungwon stepped out of the bathroom, smelling fresh like sea breeze and aftershave. He was fully dressed with a towel around his shoulders. His hair was still slightly wet, brushed back to show his prominent forehead, and the impressive bone structure on his eyebrows. 

“That looks nice. Thank you for doing this.” Hyungwon smiled and sat down on one of the chairs, and Minhyuk did the same after placing milk and some sugar on the table, as he had no idea how Hyungwon liked his coffee. 

“It’s the least I can do. You’re doing so much for me despite us being basically strangers. I’m really sorry for bothering you, you have already so much on your plate. I promise I’m going to do anything in my power to help.” Minhyuk looked sincerely sorry, biting down his lower lip, watching how Hyungwon reached out for the cup with his beautiful long fingers, taking a slow sip from it.

  
  
_He likes it black._

_  
_ _  
_ Hyungwon didn’t say anything for a while, as if completely ignoring Minhyuk’s repeated apologies for being an assumed bother in his life, though he looked at him intently. He felt Hyungwon scanning his face up and down before putting the cup back on the table to pull his phone out of his pocket to call someone, leaving Minhyuk behind in confusion. Who was he calling now? Why didn’t he say something about the fact that Minhyuk brought so much emotional baggage with him, saving his ass repeatedly? 

“Hey, it’s me. I’m sorry I have to call in sick. Yeah, no idea. I’ll just sleep it off. Sure, thank you. I see you the day after tomorrow then.” Hyungwon ended the call, placing his phone on the table next to his plate, having Minhyuk stare at him in sheer disbelief. “I’m all yours today.” He smiled as he continued. “Let’s go on a little trip to Nami Island. It’s the most magnificent place at this time of the year. You know, sometimes the best you can do is to take a break, take one step back and look at the things from a new perspective.”

“But… But you can’t just skip work to go somewhere with me? And don’t you have school? I don’t understand.” The longer he hung out with Hyungwon in person the greater the mystery around him got. He found it fascinating how laid back the younger boy was, lying so convincingly without blushing once, while also ignoring his apologies. Well, basically he wasn’t ignoring them but responding to them in a way Minhyuk wasn’t used to - Hyungwon was making time for him. Time for new experiences. And he wasn’t asking Minhyuk about his behavior even though he was probably full of questions, at least, Minhyuk would have been full of questions on Hyungwon’s behalf.

“I just did as you can see and I dropped out of school after the accident last year,” Hyungwon spoke very casually, pulling off the foil from the top of the yogurt and mixing it a bit up with a spoon before eating it. “Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad student, but what I was looking for and what I needed for me to feel like a person, and to feel _alive_ , couldn’t be found in a textbook or an algebra formula. So correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you really could use a break from disaster town and simply hang out with me to enjoy the autumn colors in Nami. But if you want to go somewhere else we can go there too.”

Usually, Minhyuk would have depreciated drop-outs, considering they were just too lazy and uninterested in learning something new but the way Hyungwon talked sounded more than grown-up and less like a rebellious teenager - even though he looked like one. And if he took a hard look at his own life now, he was basically a drop-out as well. Despite being a good student, despite always doing his homework, and maybe Hyungwon was right, and for some people, fulfillment couldn’t be found listening to a lecture. It was out there but harder to see through the thick fog hovering over the dark woods.

  
  
Could it be that all that was needed to take another step on the rough, rooted ground, was a warm hand holding on to? A reminder that two strong hearts could survive the most toxic environments if they could be alone together? He remembered the feeling of squeezing Hyungwon’s hand under the ice-cold shower the night before and the way he was holding him close at night until this morning. And now they were here, a path that had let them together, two individuals that had to come up with a way to work hand in hand if they wanted to make this work.

“I’d love to see Nami Island with you,” Minhyuk said after a long pause, smiling at him cautiously. It wasn’t one of those fake smiles he had given so many times but one that felt honest, though, at the same time alien and unfamiliar as he hadn’t put it into use that often in his life so far.

“Great, then let’s finish breakfast and get ready.” Hyungwon looked excited, spending time with him and Minhyuk really loved it.

-

It was exceptionally odd that Minhyuk had never been anywhere around with Dongwoo despite him living in the same city as Hyungwon - well, luckily in the complete opposite direction. He calculated that the risk of an accidental encounter was close to zero considering that Dongwoo lived for the superficial parts of life and partying all night while Hyungwon seemed to value and enjoy just spending time in nature. 

Minhyuk’s mother had been quick to transfer money to his bank account. The sum was quite high, not high enough to survive very long but more than he had ever seen on his account. Although considering the money was for him to stay far away from her and not bothering her anymore it seemed more like a cheap deal. It was all he was worth to her but he tried not to show his disappointment to Hyungwon as he helped him to buy the right ticket.

The train ride took them around forty-five minutes, which they mostly spent sharing Hyungwon’s ear pods, playing both their favorite songs, sitting close to each other. Minhyuk didn’t mind them being so close and he found himself not once focusing on the glances other people might have given them. He didn’t care about them, too absorbed in listening to and talking about music with Hyungwon. Was it strange that they got along so well despite the circumstances that brought them together? And shouldn’t Minhyuk be more reserved toward a stranger after his breakup? 

He just couldn’t find it in him. Whenever he looked at Hyungwon it felt like they knew each other for a long time. And whenever he saw him smiling he felt reassured that everything was going to be okay. 

“You’re gonna love this,” Hyungwon said, once they’d arrived at their destination after changing to the bus and then the ferry, which brought them over to Nami Island. And the moment they started to walk along the beautiful scenery that revealed itself to them, Minhyuk felt like he had just stepped into a completely different world. Since it was still pretty early, there weren’t that many tourists and visitors walking through the park, but Minhyuk thought he wouldn’t have even noticed them as he got completely lost in the moment.

Rows of huge autumn trees looking like walls of fire stretched out to either side of them. Hues of deep golden leaves and scarlet maple covered the trees as well as the soil and parts of the path underneath their feet. It felt so bold and homey, offering more beauty to his eyes than Minhyuk had ever dared to hope for. He stopped walking and just looked up to the trees, watching how the cold breeze made the leaves effortlessly dance from their branches to the ground.

  
  
_I’ve never seen a place that beautiful._

The scenery was overwhelming and for a moment, Minhyuk even forgot that Hyungwon was standing just a few steps away from him, looking at him oh so fondly as he embraced this moment of peace he had never experienced like this before. He knew the cold silence of a blade, numbing his pain and every positive emotion that might have knocked on his door, but not this one. This silence was calming. It was the wind caressing his cheeks, the rustling of the fallen leaves under their feet, the murmuring of the lake surrounding him, and - as he lowered his head, becoming aware of Hyungwon’s presence again - it was the smile on this boy’s face which made him feel things he had never felt before. 

“Your hair looks like you belong here. You look so calm.” Hyungwon had taken some pictures when Minhyuk wasn’t watching to remind him of this precious moment if he needed it. He wanted Minhyuk to experience the beauty of life, finding his strength to create the life he wanted to live even if it wasn’t the life he had thought he wanted. 

“Thank you for taking me here,” Minhyuk whispered, stepping closer to Hyungwon before they started walking the path again in appreciated silence before they sat down to rest on one of the wooden benches near the lake at some point. 

“Would you mind me sketching a little?” Minhyuk asked, earning a funny look from Hyungwon.

“Be my guest. Do whatever makes you happy, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon reached for the water bottle in Minhyuk’s backpack and a package of snacks, handing Minhyuk his sketchbook and a pencil while he was on it. “It’s beautiful and a great inspiration.”

Minhyuk hummed a _thank you_ and opened his sketchbook to randomly sketch the scenery in front of him. And as his pencil scratched over the paper, he thought that if he had died the day before, he would have missed all this. He would have never seen this utter beauty with his own eyes. But considering the circumstances of his life so far, would he have ever seen it if he had never met Hyungwon? He doubted it. Minhyuk grew up with a mother who didn’t believe in outdoor activities and he rarely went outside when he was old enough, while Dongwoo had also shown him nothing but various bars, clubs, and his friends’ apartments. 

“It’s strange,” Minhyuk said, focused on his sketching, only aware of Hyungwon because of him crunching snacks beside him. “I feel like I should be more heartbroken, devastated, after losing everything I had, but it’s all just so blurred, and still I like this. I like to be here with you, talking to you while at the same time I feel bad, a burden even since my problems are nothing compared to yours.” 

“I was a burden to my aunt as she has guardianship for me now until I’m legal age. She and her husband weren’t prepared to take care of me and we had never been in contact that much. There was barely enough room for me in their apartment and they had just given birth to my niece so we agreed on me living alone. They also helped me find the job I have now. You can imagine orphaned, high school drop-outs aren’t the most desirable employees. However, there’s plenty of room in my life and my apartment for you.”

  
  
“But… you don’t know anything about me. I’m just messed up.” Minhyuk looked at him partly scared, partly surprised as it really sounded like he meant it - having plenty of room for him. Hyungwon also had family left but couldn’t be with them as they were estranged. He understood and he survived.

“So am I.” Hyungwon softly pressed a snack against Minhyuk’s lips, which the latter hesitantly took into his mouth, slightly touching Hyungwon’s fingertips with his lips. “Do you like me less because I’m a fucked up orphan?”

“No, of course not,” Minhyuk whispered after swallowing the snack. “You’re making yourself so vulnerable and I’m so overwhelmed by your trust in me. I’m so sorry what happened to you but I’m so happy you’re telling me and doing all this for me. It’s all so new for me and I don’t want this to be another fairy tale that goes down in flames. I always try so hard to not hoping for too much, being too happy as it eventually ends up in pain. I feel like happiness and love isn’t a given right to me and exclusively made for other people.” Minhyuk smiled defeated, lowering his eyes, too embarrassed to look at Hyungwon, before looking out to the lake, that shimmered in soft aquamarine in the dimmed sunlight. “I tried so hard to impress them,” he whispered.

“Is that the reason why you hurt yourself?” Hyungwon was so direct, and it always took Minhyuk off guard so it took him a moment to answer his question, which hovered over their heads like a rain cloud ready to burst. He had never spoken to anyone about the real reasons, especially not to a stranger. But was Hyungwon even a stranger anymore? It sure didn’t feel like it.

“I don’t feel like I’m alive and I always wonder if Dongwoo and my mother are right and I’m just unwanted and unlovable, and shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I always wonder what gives me the right to live because whenever I dare to be hopeful and cling on every little piece of happiness it turns into thorns of glass. So when I feel the pain and see the blood, the world slows down, stops for a little while, and I can stop feeling hopeful but also feeling emotional pain. I’m able to move on for a little while longer feeling numb but I can’t stop feeling hope and it terrifies me.”

_Why are you telling him this? Because he's knocking at my door, waiting in front of it refusing to leave._

“I’m terrified of the moment you’ll leave me because I’m too much.”

There were footsteps of other visitors of the park walking past behind them and whispers of the wind softly caressing through the trees - like Hyungwon’s hand Minhyuk suddenly felt on his back. He bit down his lower lip, his body tense because of the sudden and unusual sensation of someone else's touch.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry, I’m always touching you without consent,” Hyungwon whispered, making Minhyuk release a long, faltering breath as he realized how much he liked feeling Hyungwon’s touch on him. “I won’t leave you and you’re not too much.”

“Am I a hypocrite when I say I’m so scared to be touched but it’s okay when it’s you? I don’t want you to be one of my wishful dreams crumbling under my fingers the moment I believe in them. But everything feels different with you.” 

_If I allow myself to feel this, am I going to feel all the pain as well?_

“No.” Hyungwon slid closer to Minhyuk, still keeping enough distance between them so Minhyuk wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and always had the chance to leave the situation. “I think this tragedy has pulled down the blindfold, making you see that you’ve been holding on to a broken rope for far too long. You deserve to be happy and I’d love to be messed up with you, pushing forward against all the odds if you let me. We’re not just strangers or roommates. We’re friends.”

  
  
Minhyuk turned his head a bit to look at Hyungwon, taken aback by him calling them friends. He has had friends of course, though, it had never felt like it did being with Hyungwon.

  
  
The younger boy placed his hand in Minhyuk’s neck, looking at him fondly. “You don’t need to impress me or explain yourself. I like you as you are. You don’t need any special skills to be liked - to be loved. And although we probably can’t afford a therapist to help you, if you need me to help you remember every day how lovable you are then I’m going to do so.”

_What does he see when he looks at you? Can he see you? The real you?_

“Is this real?” Minhyuk’s voice cracked, accompanied by the tears clouding his vision which seemed to become an everyday habit by now. He wasn’t trying to hide them in front of Hyungwon anymore and leaned his forehead against the younger boy’s with a muffled sob. Was there anything to hide from him anyway? 

“As real as it can get,” Hyungwon said whispering, allowing them to share this private moment that felt so much more intimate than any sexual encounter Minhyuk had ever had with Dongwoo. He felt naked, bare despite being fully dressed, wrapped in a warm coat and a scarf, surrounded by the most romantic scenery he had ever seen - and it felt so _so_ good. 

Minhyuk didn’t ask as he reached out to grab Hyungwon’s hand which was immediately granted as Hyungwon softly squeezed his hand. “Fuck.” He started sobbing again, had he longed for this kind of physical intimacy for so long. Just holding someone’s hand, just crying on someone’s shoulder, feeling their presence and patience without fear and expectations. 

“We probably won’t be able to get you professional help.” Hyungwon’s hand, which had rested on his neck, started softly caressing his head. “But if you decide to live your best messed up life then I’m going to support you as best as I can, Minhyuk. I’ll never let go of your hand. You’ll never be alone.” Minhyuk felt Hyungwon’s thumb caressing over his hand, and allowed his tears to flow without the urge to exchange them with physical pain.

  
  
“Thank you.” Minhyuk embraced Hyungwon without thinking about it twice, his voice a mere whisper against Hyungwon’s scarf. None of them paid any attention to the sketchbook that had slid off Minhyuk’s lap to the soiled ground underneath their feet or the visitors passing by. Hyungwon’s kindness fried his brain, challenging all the false beliefs he had collected about himself for years. However, being with him, allowed only one decision.   
  


  
_I want this. I want all of this. Am I selfish? I can’t let this go._

They just sat there a while longer, waiting for Minhyuk’s tears to dry, and holding each other close before they packed up again. 

"Well, I think that sketch is ruined," Minhyuk said wiping the slightly wet soil off the page leaving smudges of dirt.

"I wouldn't say that. It's modern art. Let's take some pictures together." Hyungwon inspected the sketch on the page that was still visible and nodded while reaching out for his phone. 

"What, now? My face must be swollen like hell!" Minhyuk put his sketchbook back into his backpack, which contained unusually many of Hyungwon’s belongings but he figured he didn't mind. 

"It's happy tears and we should remember this day." Hyungwon opened the camera on his phone and took a picture of the lake in front of them. "One day you'll look back and be surprised how far you've come and I want you to remember this day as the first day of your new life." He inspected the pictures he had taken as he spoke and turned around to Minhyuk who once again looked at him incredulously. 

How did Hyungwon do that? Talking like this and sounding so mature and positive. And much more important, convincing. The black-haired boy was indeed special and more than just a pretty face. He was an incredibly gentle smart-ass and Minhyuk kind of hated how much he liked it. 

"Fine." Minhyuk puffed his cheeks a bit and stepped closer to Hyungwon, hesitantly placing his hand against his back so they had the colorful trees and the lake in the background. He smiled in the camera and he was surprised how good it felt to collect this memory with Hyungwon.

"Look, your hair looks like an autumn leaf. You’re really beautiful." He looked at the picture and indeed, his red hair fit perfectly into the scenery. The thing that caught his attention was the realization that he had rarely taken any pictures with Dongwoo. Hell, there didn't even exist pictures of him and his mother together as if he'd never been part of her life. Nevertheless, here he was, happily smiling on a picture with one of the most handsome boys he had ever seen. 

_How did you become so lucky?_

"Why are you so damn smooth?" Minhyuk sighed.

"Must be my charming personality." Hyungwon grinned, earning a playful push on the back, followed by a bunch of leaves Minhyuk threw up in the air, raining over them like the sunset. 

They fooled around for a while, playing and running like children, and Minhyuk spent the rest of their visit to Nami Island hooked on Hyungwon’s arm without really thinking about it. The maze inside his mind seemed to have lost many of its walls, making it easier to see that there was an exit and only Minhyuk had the ability to walk over and make peace with the shadows, which had haunted him all his life. Right now, right here, he was walking on a path of crimson and gold, accompanied by a boy who must have looked down the all-consuming abyss way too often. They both had lost a part of the free-spirited child inside of them, but maybe together, they were able to heal and grow.

-

Exploring the island took them almost the whole day. They took many photos, alone and together, and simply enjoyed each other’s company and got to know each other better. As it was time to head home, they grabbed something to eat at one of the food stalls around the ferry terminal. It was then that Minhyuk learned that Hyungwon wasn’t particularly fond of vegetables, which came by surprise considering how skinny he looked. But the younger boy told him, he preferred snacks and anything that didn’t take too much effort so Minhyuk took a mental note to cook for him - for them - regularly. He was by far not the best cook but could follow a recipe and mix some basics together.  
  


They were quiet on the train ride home. The train was so much more crowded than it had been in the morning, probably including many people heading back home from work. There were men in expensive suits and women in neat-looking costumes and discreet jewelry, probably working at some fancy office. Some of them eyed at Minhyuk and Hyungwon critically, but Minhyuk thought it must have been because of him and his vibrant hair color because why would they look at Hyungwon like that? Not once he thought about the possibility that not everyone considered long-haired guys with piercings and leather jackets as cool. Hyungwon looked like he was napping and didn’t seem like the type of guy that gave a lot of fucks about other people’s opinions about him. 

_But he must be so popular._

After they arrived, they walked home from the train station. Exhausted from the day, they quickly changed into more comfortable clothes and sat down on the bed. Minhyuk fumbled with the remote of the air conditioning to warm them up more quickly, the cold air outside was clearly announcing the incoming winter season. 

"How's your arm doing?" Hyungwon asked looking for a movie on his laptop, they had discussed while walking home. It was the first time Minhyuk was reminded of the bandage on his arm and the wound underneath. Of course, he had felt some itching during the day but he hadn't paid it much attention. But now that he looked down on his arm it felt not like his own. 

"It wasn't really on my mind, to be honest." 

_It's because of you. You make me feel different._

Hyungwon simply hummed, apparently satisfied that Minhyuk’s mind had been far away from his dark place inside his mind the whole day. Neither of them mentioned the missing cutter and Minhyuk thought it was for the best. He didn’t want to know, and he had a feeling that no matter how overwhelming his emotions would get from time to time it was going to be okay with Hyungwon beside him. 

“Did you ever feel guilty for surviving the accident? I’m sorry if it’s too personal or if you don’t want to talk about it.” Minhyuk looked down on the remote between his hands, unsure if it was okay to ask questions like that, though, they were going to live together in a cramped one-room apartment. They would have to get along and deal with each other’s personalities, flaws, and habits, and Minhyuk wanted to get to know Hyungwon better - on a deeper level. He wanted to know what was beneath the surface, hidden behind his handsome appearance that gave nothing away but a cool, desirable young boy. Besides, he had a feeling that they already shared a rare connection that couldn’t be found everywhere. 

“I did, for a long time.” Hyungwon was still looking on the screen of his laptop and Minhyuk could sense that he was tense even though he still appeared so calm and unbothered. “I didn’t want to get out of bed and refused to eat at the hospital. I couldn't understand why my recovery went so well when my family was just... gone. Killed by a drunk driver, who also lost his life. Just like that. It was hard to process, and even when my aunt took me home and brought me to my parents’ grave, I felt nothing but emptiness. You can’t blame or focus your anger on the dead. All my emotions felt just pointless.”

“How does it feel now?” Minhyuk asked quietly, leaning his head against Hyungwon’s back, feeling a sudden shock running through the younger boy’s body followed by a long exhale. 

“I think I made my peace with it. However, they left a hole, and more often than not, I miss my mom’s smile and my dad taking me out on a trip. I miss having a family.” Hyungwon sighed haltingly, trying to swallow that huge lump inside his throat and the incoming tears, presented himself unaffected by the emotions that must have run through his mind right that moment. “It’s not easy handling everything alone, but I get by, and I don’t want to waste their hard work raising me by giving up on life,” he said eventually, rubbing over his face. “I’ve never talked about this to anyone.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me. Thank you for trusting me,” Minhyuk said quietly, slowly wrapping his arms around Hyungwon’s slim waist. He had always thought it was hard to be close to someone else, touching them but it wasn’t with Hyungwon. It was easy, uncomplicated, and without any kind of tension or judgment. It was just them sharing and finding some type of family and home with each other. Nevertheless, despite Hyungwon sharing parts of his story, Minhyuk felt like there was so much more and he wasn’t the only one that had built up thick walls to protect himself, making it possible to survive. Hyungwon was just handling it differently, making him realize how fucked up they were. And yet, he felt hopeful that if they were able to let each other in, chances were that they could actually start to heal. 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon closed his eyes for a moment, leaning into Minhyuk’s embrace, allowing himself this moment of weakness, that was only a little scratch on the surface on the walls that held back the beast inside of him. “Please promise me you’ll never hurt yourself again.”

Minhyuk felt Hyungwon’s hand carefully touching his forearm with the bandage wrapped around it, sending a sudden shiver through his body. It was just a simple gesture, simple words with a high impact on meaning. 

_He doesn’t want to lose you too. But you don’t want to lose him either._

“I promise,” he whispered against Hyungwon’s shoulder, overwhelmed by the relief he felt by their closeness. Hyungwon wasn’t just touching his wounds, he was touching his heart like nobody else before him. They remained sitting like this for a while, accepting the silence that hadn’t the same amount of uncertainty in it anymore but was slowly replaced with hope.

Even when they laid down to watch the movie, they welcomed the skinship and warmth of each other’s bodies, soothing enough to make them fall asleep after half an hour into the movie. 

It felt natural for them to be so close, allowing them both a sense of security they both hadn’t had in a while. Neither of them was alone anymore in this world, which so far, seemed cold and invincible, and maybe it wasn’t just Hyungwon having the ability to heal a broken heart. Yes, maybe Minhyuk was stronger than he thought and was gifted with the ability to reach out for Hyungwon’s heart as well, allowing him to find peace in a world of chaos and loss. 

Maybe there wasn’t only one person knocking and waiting at the door after all.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, my sweethearts! How are you doing after this amount of fluff? Finally, we're getting somewhere xD this story turned out to be more slow-burn than I had expected and makes me cringe way too often but hey this is what we're here for, am I right?
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it would also mean… Oh.

A few weeks had passed since Minhyuk had settled into his new life with Hyungwon, plus the temperatures had dropped rapidly, announcing the winter’s arrival at any moment. 

It had been surprisingly easy to accept his fate and take the bull by the horns - more or less. His options had been limited and going back into his old life hadn’t been one of them so Minhyuk did the best he could to focus on the things he could actually change and influence. Sure, accepting the fact that going back to school was off the table and forcing himself to find a job hadn’t been easy, had even triggered another anxiety attack, and the urge to run away from his emotions. However, the outcome had been different simply because Hyungwon refused to give up on him. 

The younger boy was there for him, every step along the way, even when Minhyuk felt a major setback. He was there, talking to him or just holding him in a tight embrace until Minhyuk calmed down again. Moreover, even then, cutting had never occurred to be an alternative to Hyungwon’s warmth, which he seemed to never get enough of. Nevertheless, experiencing rejection while looking for a job wasn’t a pleasant experience either, especially since he felt like he had absolutely nothing to offer as the drop out he was. Although Hyungwon offered a simple solution for the problem working with him at the coffee shop, Minhyuk thought it wasn’t such a good idea if they spent even more time together - for his own sanity and to prevent Hyungwon seeing him fail and feeling embarrassed. His second solution, however, was a white lie. 

It wasn’t like Minhyuk felt uncomfortable lying since he had done it almost all the time with Dongwoo to ensure at least his questionable relationship. Still, he felt extremely uncomfortable lying to adults plus finding himself in the position of being a young adult now made people far less understanding for him not having a proper education. 

“Just tell them you lost your family,” Hyungwon had said.

  
  
“But that’s a lie. They just don’t want me anymore.”

“Sure, you can try to tell people that but believe me, they won’t care. Basically, they left you behind, and you’re not in contact with them so they aren’t part of your life anymore, so they could also be dead and it wouldn’t make a difference, don’t you think? It’s only a half-lie so it doesn’t count. If you add a desperate look and a few tears, you’re good to go.”    
  
Minhyuk was always surprised about the practical solutions Hyungwon offered for certain problems. He had already learned to survive on his own terms, in the world of adults, which was far away from the careless life they should have lived as teenagers their age. Surviving demanded acting, and Minhyuk tried to convince himself that the little lies he needed to tell to support himself and help Hyungwon out with the rent and expenses, were just his lines as an actor. His new role was that of a young adult, who had lost his parents and had nowhere to go in utter need of a job to get by. 

It worked and Hyungwon wasn’t surprised when Minhyuk came to visit the coffee shop he was working in to tell him he had found a job at a flower shop down the street. He hadn’t needed the tears as his puppy eyes and quivering lips had done the trick just fine. Did he feel bad about it? Not necessarily. It was what he had to do to stay with Hyungwon and keep his mind off all the mess that had happened to him. 

Since Minhyuk moved in with Hyungwon, he had made a few adjustments in the younger boy’s life. For once, his bonsai looked healthier than ever, showing its bright green colors again instead of imitating a piece of dried fruit withering away in the afternoon sun. The fridge was actually filled with fresh ingredients and more home-cooked food found its way on the table, though Hyungwon still tried to avoid the existence of vegetables on his plate. Another change was the fact that Minhyuk never moved back onto the sofa since they first started to share the bed, holding each other close every night. They never discussed it and laid down next to each other naturally night after night. Although, being so close to Hyungwon all the time, sharing a cramped single-room apartment and a bed with him that didn’t allow a lot of privacy, made Minhyuk face a new unexpected problem. 

He liked Hyungwon. A lot.

_ When did this happen? This is so fucked up. _

Minhyuk laid awake next to the younger black-haired boy, who was still a resident of dreamland rather than part of the living. Biting down his lower lip as he tried - once more - to find a logical solution for his problem. It wasn’t a problem per se that Minhyuk liked Hyungwon, technically - or maybe it was, he wasn’t quite sure yet. The truth was, it was confusing him since he had never felt like this before, though, as a hopeless romantic he had always hoped to feel like this one day. However, now that he finally did, Minhyuk discovered that things weren’t that simple after all. 

He still had issues trusting his own feelings, so he still wasn’t sure if the equation to solve his problem read as followed: Minhyuk plus Hyungwon equals very intimate friendship or if it was more like: Minhyuk plus Hyungwon equals love.

_ How are you supposed to know? _

If he looked at the circumstances of his dilemma it became clear that Hyungwon taking him in without really knowing him, them living together and sharing intimate thoughts they had never shared with anyone before, and a bed every night might have had the potential of being considered as a relationship. However, there was a lack of kissing and sexual intimacy which definitely eliminated the solution of love and left the solution of an intimate friendship. Neither of them had initiated anything that might have progressed into a sexual direction and normally Minhyuk wouldn’t have minded as his previous relationship with Dongwoo had taught him only negative aspects of physical intimacy. 

_ But somehow, you want to. _

There were still other unknown numbers in his equation. For instance, the fact that he still didn’t know if Hyungwon was in a relationship or was dating someone - probably a girl. And how could Minhyuk be so sure it was a girl Hyungwon was seeing? Considering that there were more heterosexual people out there than homosexual ones would make the solution of Hyungwon’s heterosexuality more likely, wouldn’t it? However, the younger boy had never mentioned anything about his love life or spent his time scrolling through one of the many dating platforms - at least not when Minhyuk was around to witness it.

  
  
Sure, Minhyuk could have just asked him but he was too afraid of the answer he would get. He didn’t want his hopes to crash, especially not now that he felt something for someone he had never felt before but staying quiet didn’t solve any of his problems. And wasn’t there still a very tiny chance that Hyungwon was gay or bisexual and interested in him? But why would someone like Hyungwon, who looked like God had formed him with his own hands be interested in someone like Minhyuk? He just couldn’t be single, it wasn’t even a possibility. 

But if, in some unlikely case, Hyungwon was gay, single, and interested in a serious relationship with him, and they overstepped the thin line between intimate friendship and relationship? What would happen if they indeed tried and it didn’t work out in the end? They lived together in a shoebox without any chance to give each other some space to overcome the awkwardness. Minhyuk would have to find another apartment and with the little money he had, it was next to impossible and he would just end up sleeping under a bridge or end up as a sex worker. 

_ Oh, dear God. _

Minhyuk couldn’t risk that, only came up with more horrifying scenarios in his mind, how the worst case of talking to Hyungwon about his feelings could look like, so it was definitely for the better if he just kept quiet and minded his own business. Which wasn’t that easy as all he could think of was how Hyungwon’s lips would feel on his own. He just couldn’t ignore how safe he felt with him, and how much he loved to feel his arms wrapped around him, smelling the fading scent of aftershave on his warm skin. He also couldn’t ignore the wave of goosebumps covering his body whenever Hyungwon’s long fingers traced over the nape of his neck or how much he loved to see him smile. Yes, Minhyuk even liked him drooling on the pillow and he couldn’t prevent his own cheeks from burning up whenever Hyungwon got flirty.

_ But it doesn’t mean anything. That’s just how he is. _

They were so close from the very beginning so maybe this was just the way Hyungwon showed his affection as a friend and Minhyuk really treasured the time they spent together. It’s been over a month now and Minhyuk couldn’t imagine his life without Hyungwon in it anymore. 

Minhyuk felt like a creep just thinking about all the times he had just looked at Hyungwon while he was sleeping - even while he was awake doing other stuff. But when he was sleeping, he imagined just leaning in and kissing his lips without facing any consequences and without Hyungwon ever knowing about his confusing feelings. 

_ Remember consent Minhyuk? The thing Dongwoo didn’t care about? Kissing a sleeping boy isn’t really consensual.  _

His inner voice was right and he didn’t mean no harm thinking about kissing Hyungwon but he needed answers. He needed to know if he could trust his own feelings and he needed to know if being with another person and being in love was actually something that could make him feel good. But deep down somewhere, there was still Dongwoo’s voice telling him that he was unlovable and it was true that Minhyuk had felt excited to have a boyfriend like him at the beginning. At least until all the illusions of love faded away, leaving him behind with constant fear of unwanted sexual encounters and the reality that neither his first kiss nor his first time having sex had had anything magical. 

So even if he thought he wanted to be close to Hyungwon, maybe he didn’t really want it and just tried to cover up the scars Dongwoo had left on his soul. Furthermore, there was absolutely no guarantee that it would make him feel any better being intimate with Hyungwon. And maybe the younger boy had seen right through him already, and politely showed him that there was no room for hope and a romantic relationship. 

Minhyuk felt bitter as he brushed his fingertips over Hyungwon’s warm cheek, just like a very delicate touch, a kiss from the morning sun before he got up to get ready for work. Hyungwon’s warm skin burned under his touch and all he wanted to do was to feel more of this electrifying feeling that seemed to cover through his nervous system like lightning. 

It hurt, and with each passing day, he wanted it to stop and simply cut the feeling out of his heart to make it stop. After all, having their intimate friendship was better than losing it all because of his developed new feelings for Hyungwon. Minhyuk had just managed to get better and see the colorful and bright side of his life, but it didn’t fit on him, he didn’t fit but he could pretend, as he always did - he was the actor of his life after all.

_ Love just hurts and he’ll never be yours. _

-

The owner of the flower shop Minhyuk was working in, was a nice old lady, which basically adopted him right the moment he unpacked his unfortunate life story. Even though it was only a modified version of the truth and he still felt kind of guilty for lying to such a nice old lady. He also was thankful for the job that saved him from being an absolute failure and provided him with money to contribute his part as Hyungwon’s new roommate and friend. 

The good thing about the flower shop was that it provided a homely atmosphere, thanks to its small size and was mostly visited by the same regular customers - mostly women in their late fifties to early sixties living in the neighborhood. It was the perfect working environment for him as he wouldn’t have been able to focus on a whole crowd of strangers. Here, the customers all loved him, probably because he was a good looking young man and a grace for their eyes even though Minhyuk would have argued as he couldn’t stand a chance against Hyungwon. 

He had seen the younger boy at work, the way he smiled at young girls, casually brushing his hair back to make his eyebrow piercing and his insanely handsome features even more visible. There was absolutely no chance that Hyungwon wasn’t aware of the effect he had on them, and probably his colleagues too. And if Minhyuk considered it even more carefully than Hyungwon’s boss made him work at the front on purpose for those exact reasons. 

One time Minhyuk had waited for Hyungwon to finish work and had just sat on one of the comfy sofas next to the windows to watch Hyungwon’s beautiful hands. The way his long fingers typed in the orders, reached out for the money, gave the change back, brushed his hair back. And then his eyes had lost focus on his hands and Minhyuk got stuck on Hyungwon’s red plush lips. Those full perfect lips, that just wanted to be kissed - and drawn.

Minhyuk had bought a new sketchbook he filled astonishingly fast with quick sketches of Hyungwon. His hands, his lips, his face, or simply his long, lean body. If Hyungwon ever saw this sketchbook Minhyuk would definitely die on the spot from embarrassment. 

So far he might have done a good job hiding it from Hyungwon, though, his boss had caught him sketching more than once when there weren’t any customers at the shop. Sure, he had been sketching flowers but he didn’t want to be impolite as she asked him if she could take a look - he wasn’t a monster declining a sweet old lady. She had seen Hyungwon quite a few times already and at first, Minhyuk felt panic rising inside his chest when he realized how it must look and the fact that most people weren’t exactly welcoming on gay romance. 

To his big surprise, a warm smile had spread on her face. “My son is living in Canada with his husband. It was such a beautiful wedding.” She had grabbed her bag to show him a picture from the wedding, portraying her, her husband, and their son with his husband. They looked indescribably happy and Minhyuk thought that was what love must look like - it always did for others.

“Oh, but this… this isn’t that…” Minhyuk had stuttered, taken off guard that he had found an ally in such a small flower shop and such a supportive mother anyone could wish for. It reminded him that his own mother thought he was sick, but he also thought about Hyungwon and how much he must miss the loving embrace of his own mother.

“Tell yourself that, my dear.” She had softly touched his back, like a loving mother and for a moment Minhyuk had felt close to crying on her shoulder just because of such a small gesture. “Does he know?”

“No. No, he doesn’t.” Minhyuk had smiled defeatedly, traced his fingers over the pages before closing the sketchbook.

“Why not, dear? He seems like a decent young man, and you always look happy when he’s around.” 

“We’re living together in a very small apartment. I can’t just take the risk of jeopardizing our friendship and our home, no matter how much I want it to be different. Also, I am too afraid to ask him if he likes guys and if he likes me that way, and I’m sure the feeling will fade away in time.” 

_ Hopefully _

“Love is a fun thing, don’t you think? We try to explain it with so many words and wait for this one magical moment to be sure but in the end, you just know and it’s worth taking all the risks for. Life is too short to be afraid and not share love with the person, who makes you feel alive. Also, maybe he has the same concerns about you.” 

Minhyuk thought about her words over and over again but couldn’t find it in him to confess to Hyungwon and risk destroying their friendship and the life that was given to him so far away from his old miserable one. 

It was close to the end of Minhyuk’s shift as the small bell above the door and the cold air the open door brought with, announced another customer. 

  
  
“I’ll be with you in a second!” Minhyuk said, currently binding a bouquet of red roses as the old lady had shown him. 

“A rose taking care of roses. How fitting.” The familiar voice said and Minhyuk looked up instantly to see Hyungwon standing behind the counter in a black coat with leather sleeves and his favorite red scarf. His cheeks looked like he had put on too much rouge but it was just the cold air outside brushing on the additional color to his face, and Minhyuk really wanted to cup his face with his hands to warm him up. 

“Hyungwon. What are you doing here?” Minhyuk asked, surprised, and couldn’t deny that Hyungwon looked outrageously good and how his flirty nature made him blush instantly - as always.

“Picking you up from work. I thought we could grab something to eat and go to the concert together.” He smiled and greeted the old lady as she stepped in through the door that led to the office in the back. 

“Go grab your things, dear. I’ll finish this and close the shop for today.” She definitely didn’t take  _ no  _ for an answer as he was about to contradict. Besides, she gave Minhyuk this knowing look, and he couldn’t risk her saying anything that would arouse suspicion. He knew that this was a battle he couldn’t win, so Minhyuk capitulated and left the rest of the bouquet to her while exchanging his emerald green apron against his coat and backpack. 

“Here, you forgot your gloves this morning.” Hyungwon pulled black gloves out of the pocket of his coat, handing them to Minhyuk once he was standing beside him. And for some reason, this sweet gesture really touched his heart. 

“Thank you,” he whispered looking at the gloves, placing his hands around them as he looked up into Hyungwon’s eyes feeling his own cheeks heating up again while his heart skipped a beat.

_ He’s making you feel so loved. _

The old lady was clearing her throat excessively loud behind the counter to get both their attention, only to make Minhyuk realize that he must have looked into Hyungwon’s eyes for far too long than socially acceptable. “Have a good time, you two love birds.” She ignored Minhyuk’s warning looks, only smiled, and waved them good-bye as they left the shop for the day. 

The clouds above them looked dark and heavy, and it was definitely cold enough for the first snow to fall in the next few hours. Minhyuk thought it was one of the most beautiful moments one could witness when white snowflakes effortlessly fell from the sky to cover the city in white silence. Of course, it was never really quiet in the city, but when he looked at the world covered in colorless innocence, he felt like a new beginning. Old habits could be taken to rest, while hope was ready to be born, hiding under the covers until it was time. 

Nature seemed to know when it was the right time to bloom and the right time to rest. Why was it so difficult for humans to discover the right time to confess and the right time to stay quiet? How could he know when it was the right time to take a risk and confess to Hyungwon and when was it better to just stay quiet and sit it out?

Minhyuk couldn’t tell, and the more he got to know about Hyungwon, the more time he spent with him and experienced life with him, the less likely it became for him that these feelings would ever go to rest. Even when he tried to find flaws on Hyungwon that seemed unsuitable and would rule him out as a potential partner, like his smoking habit or the fact that he left his socks everywhere on the floor, it didn’t change anything about the way he felt for him. 

Since they lived together, there was no way to hide their peculiarities, and Minhyuk was sure that there were things he did, Hyungwon didn’t like - mostly when he was apologizing too often or stole Hyungwon’s blanket at night. Still, it was okay and they made it work as roommates and friends. But did they even have a chance as lovers? They both had lost their families in one way or another, and they patiently caressed each other's wounds, listened, and made each other smile. And yet, something was holding them back. Minhyuk could feel it and asked himself if it might just be his feelings or their inability to talk about the feeling of love and relationships in general. How much did they really trust each other? And how closed were both their hearts for the possibility of love?

They ate dinner at a family restaurant near the concert hall, where one of Hyungwon’s friends would perform with his band tonight. It was the significant fact that Hyungwon had never failed to integrate him into his life from the very beginning, that distinguished him from the way Dongwoo had treated him. Hyungwon just took him to places they both liked, showed him things and places he liked, and always asked what Minhyuk wanted to do. And it hadn’t taken him a week to introduce Minhyuk to his friends, which had immensely triggered his false beliefs of being worthless and his brain had had a hard time coming up with a solution.

Minhyuk was well-liked and he couldn’t believe it. Had it never been his fault that his mother and Dongwoo couldn’t love him? Had the circumstances just been unfortunate and there was indeed a place where he was welcome? A place where he belonged and could rise and shine?

It still seemed like a dream, like walking through white foggy clouds on a quiet path in the woods. He had left the darkness on the wayside but that didn’t mean he didn’t hear the whispers of uncertainty anymore. The whispers of his past, false beliefs about himself that had been engraved into his being since his childhood. Would the fog ever go away, and make room for the clear sky above for him to see? Minhyuk didn’t know. But when he looked at Hyungwon’s smile and discussed his new design ideas with him, while he was passionately eating grilled shrimp, then Minhyuk could see that the sun was shining warm and brightly behind the clouds, waiting for it to pass.

Thanks to Hyungwon’s connection to the band, their names had been written down on the guest list, sparing them to wait in line and allowing them to meet Hyungwon’s friend before the performance. They would perform with other indie bands tonight and Minhyuk couldn’t remember when he had last visited a concert. It was definitely the first time he visited one with Hyungwon and didn’t know any of the bands but the one Hyungwon’s friend was in, though, he didn’t mind as long as they were together and had a good time.

“Hey, Frogface! Glad you made it.” A young boy with light brown hair, and as tall as Hyungwon came over to greet him with one of those complicated-looking handshakes and pulled Minhyuk in a short hug right after. “Nice to see you too, Min.” 

“Hey, Takumi. I’m excited to see your band perform already,” Minhyuk pressed out and looked at the smiling boy in front of him resembling a living disco ball radiating light and energy whenever he stepped into a room. By now, he didn’t mind his unannounced hugs anymore. He was just a huge teddy bear, covered in piercings and tattoos, and didn’t mean any harm.

Takumi, nineteen years old, was Hyungwon’s Japanese friend, who didn’t speak any Japanese at all since he had been born in the States and hung around their apartment more often than not. He mostly acted as Hyungwon’s living pincushion to master his tattoo skills and the majority of his skin had been inked by Hyungwon. Currently, they worked on a larger project on his back, something Hyungwon and Minhyuk had sketched out together. Takumi’s father had found a position nearby so they had moved here a few years back. He was a really nice guy and made Minhyuk feel welcome and like a friend right from the beginning. 

“You won’t regret it! It’s the least I can offer you for that amazing design. I can’t wait until it’s finished.” He looked over to Hyungwon and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. “Shall we grab a quick smoke? Bon-Hwa will be happy to see you.” 

“Sure. Let’s go.” They both followed Takumi backstage through the narrow hallways, filled with bags, boxes, clothes, and instruments. It smelled of cold smoke and beer, a scent that was already engraved in the walls and the entire being of the building. Graffiti and signed band posters hung on the walls and the sound of guitars and chattering came from two of the dressing rooms, four of the bands shared. They all seemed to get along just fine and Minhyuk thought how exciting life as a musician must be. It wasn’t easy for sure, and most of them probably wouldn’t make it far enough to make an actual living out of it but they were dedicated and had fun composing songs, practicing after school or after their shift from work ended, and performed in front of people who wanted to have some fun. There was always this magical glow around music and musicians, as they had the ability to take one far away from one’s everyday life and touch hearts as nothing else could. 

If Minhyuk could also be seen by people for the things he had to offer and the talents he had, would he feel better? Would he stop feeling so small and insignificant? Of course, Hyungwon accepted him for who he was and treated him like a valid person, but what if he was gone someday? They were both still young but would eventually become older and Hyungwon would find someone to love or decide it was time for Minhyuk to move out, and they would stop spending so much quality time together. Maybe at some point, they would stop being friends and it once again made him think if he deserved all this at all or if it wouldn’t be better if he would just step away, move on the sofa, and close his heart once again. He could do it. He could just function as Hyungwon’s friend and be supportive and miserable for his happiness.

They had reached the door of the third dressing room where Takumi’s bandmates chattered, sitting on old black leather sofas, which had seen better days, around a small coffee table filled with soft drinks, guitar picks, and cigarettes.

“Hey, Hyungwon. It’s so nice you came.” The only girl of the group immediately got up from her seat and went over to Hyungwon and hugged him tightly, much to Minhyuk’s disapproval. 

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it. Who else is gonna root for you if not me?” Hyungwon grinned and hugged her back, pressing her curvy body onto his own. She was way smaller than Hyungwon, her face shaped like a heart, wearing a purple dress that screamed Punk Rock, and her long black hair falling down her back like cascades.

“Don’t be so full of yourself and think for a second that you’re our only fanbase here,” she giggled amused, pausing for a moment as Hyungwon whispered something into her ear Minhyuk couldn’t grasp. In the blink of an eye, she was looking into his direction, making him blush like he’d been caught for staring at them too intently. 

_ You must be so obvious and you’re so jealous. God, stop it. _

“Oh? That’s him.” Minhyuk heard her say in a way he couldn’t quite assign to any specific context, but she seemed to know who he was, while Minhyuk had absolutely no idea. Before he could think about the issue any further, he saw her tracing her red lips over Hyungwon’s cheek, and thought he might have had a stroke. They looked undeniably perfect together, acting so comfortable around each other, that all he could think of was that they must be dating. Hyungwon had probably brought him here so he could finally introduce Minhyuk to his girlfriend. The thought alone felt like a sword that was rammed through his heart and he had to force himself to feel happy for them and show one of his fake smiles.

_ You’re used to this. Of course, he’s with someone and that someone isn’t you. _

He watched her kissing Hyungwon on the cheek before loosening her embrace and lightening up a cigarette only to place it between Hyungwon’s full lips and stepping over to him. “You must be Minhyuk. I’ve already heard so much about you, it’s such a pleasure to finally meet you. I’m Bon-Hwa, Takumi’s girlfriend.” She held out her delicate hand and all Minhyuk could do was to stare at her like an idiot, while the gears inside his head malfunctioned. The truth his mind made him believe and reality, once again collided and turned out to be two completely different pictures. 

“Bon-Hwa. Takumi’s… girlfriend,” he slowly repeated and dumbfoundedly shook her hand. He had indeed known about Takumi having a girlfriend, he just had never seen her or heard her name as Takumi mostly called her  _ Honey _ . “The pleasure is mine, though, I’m afraid I haven’t heard much about you so far.” Minhyuk smiled apologetically. Bon-Hwa looked over to Hyungwon, who simply shrugged his shoulders, nipping on his cigarette, and eventually glared at her boyfriend who tried to hide behind one of his friends - unsuccessfully since he was the tallest of them all.

“Boys are the worst. Anyway, don’t mind me being close to Hyungwon, we’ve just known each other since we were twelve and I was with him when he discovered that his dick can be used in other ways than going to the toilet.” she laughed and pulled Minhyuk closer to the others, making him sit down next to Hyungwon on the sofa. He had to admit that he really admired how independent she appeared even when she was surrounded by young men only. But at the same time, his heart seemed to drop once again.

  
  
_ Does this mean she was his first? _

“Holy fuck, can you not? Do you think it’s funny being horny all the time for no reason and having no control over it?” Hyungwon sighed, clearly embarrassed and Minhyuk, as well as all the other guys present, felt his words on a deeper level. Having an erection in the most inappropriate situations was no joke.

“Well, I offered to jerk you off but since you’re playing for your own team it was off the table.” 

  
  
“You do know your boyfriend is sitting over there, right?” Hyungwon took a drag off his cigarette before pointing it in Takumi’s direction. 

“Oh c’mon, he knows about that and at least he’s happy to share his dick with me.” She licked over her lips, presenting her tongue piercing along the way, and indeed, Takumi seemed pretty familiar with the story and must have heard it more than once during his relationship with Bon-Hwa.

  
  
Minhyuk followed the conversation halfheartedly, was even unbothered by their slang, stuck at Bon-Hwa’s words about Hyungwon playing for his own team. This would mean Bon-Hwa and Hyungwon were only close friends, growing up together, witnessing and supporting each other on a platonic level. And it would mean that he couldn’t draw any conclusion about a former relationship between them either by Bon-Hwa kissing Hyungwon’s cheek. 

_ And it would also mean… Oh. _

He watched Hyungwon blow the blue smoke out of his lungs, pressing the cigarette butt into the ashtray on the table, and brushing his long hair out of his face before he looked into Minhyuk’s direction, softly touching his arm. Hyungwon must have realized that Minhyuk had spaced out. He said something to him, which didn’t make any sense as the only information currently available on his mind was, that Hyungwon was gay.

What was he supposed to do with this information, telling him that he at least crossed out the box for having the right gender to be considered by Hyungwon as a partner? It still didn’t mean that Hyungwon was interested in him specifically, especially since, so far, there were absolutely no signs convincing him otherwise. Or maybe he was just too blind to see them. Again he was confronted by the very same problem that he didn’t know if he could trust his intuition, the feelings that drew him so closely to Hyungwon like a magnet. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Hyungwon’s voice finally found its way through the blanket of thoughts, making him blush instantly as he realized that he must have been staring at him for far too long without paying any attention to his surroundings. “We should go back. The concerts are about to start.”

“Sorry, I’m fine and good to go.” Minhyuk cleared his throat, trying to be as casual as someone who just found out about their crush’s sexuality could be. It felt painfully awkward but since it was time to go back to the stage to enjoy the concerts, they were originally here to witness, Minhyuk would rest his case for now. They wished Hyungwon’s friends good luck and walked back to the front.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
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> 
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You love him.

“You sure you don’t want to stay with them?” Minhyuk asked as they squeezed through the last people, and out of the concert hall. He held on to Hyungwon’s hand, who had just grabbed it so they wouldn’t lose each other on their way out. 

“Nah, not tonight. I’m sure Bon-Hwa and Takumi are busy doing other stuff,” Hyungwon said, grinning and walking past the scattered crowd outside. 

Outside, the temperatures had dropped even more and they were greeted by the first snow of the year. Thick snowflakes fell down on them as they walked home with Hyungwon still holding Minhyuk’s hand, not showing any signs of letting it go, not even when he needed Minhyuk to light his cigarette. However, Minhyuk sure wasn’t complaining about holding his hand and wouldn’t let go voluntarily either.

“It’s so beautiful,” Minhyuk said, his breath becoming visible as white clouds, getting lost in the darkness of the night, that was only illuminated by the streetlamps they passed. He looked up to the sky, into the black emptiness that seemed to born white stars softly falling down on them, caressing their faces with their cold touch, and covering them and their surroundings in white silence.

“It is. Wait a moment.” Hyungwon stopped in front of a trash can near the park close to their apartment, letting go of Minhyuk’s hand. “Do you like winter?” He took the last drags from his cigarette, its end glowing up like a burning red ruby lost in space, and threw it away the moment he had stubbed it out on the frame of the trash can.

“I do. It always looks peaceful and it feels like preparing for a new beginning. I don’t know if that makes any sense.” Minhyuk looked down to the snow-covered ground and took a few steps further into the park. He liked how the snowflakes tickled his skin and the cold air numbed his face, making his skin almost feel too tight when he smiled. Hyungwon didn’t seem to share the peaceful part emptying a handful of snow over his head, which also found its way under Minhyuk’s scarf, letting the cold crawl over his neck. A feeling that made his whole body quiver like branches in a typhoon.

“Holy shit!” He jumped forward, his scream echoing through the night. He turned around to see the culprit laughing like a child, his eyes formed to crescents, white teeth visible, holding his stomach with his hands, almost crying in amusement. Minhyuk knew that Hyungwon couldn’t stop laughing once he found something extraordinary hilarious. He looked so free and unbothered by the world which took Minhyuk off guard because it was then when he remembered this saying, that spending the first snowfall of the season with someone you liked, true love would blossom, and right then he knew for sure.

  
  
_ You love him. _

This troubled boy who had lost his family was still so young in his mind. It was a side Hyungwon rarely showed to anyone. Even when he shared his deepest thoughts with Minhyuk, he always kept his guard up as if he was talking about someone else to prevent himself from feeling the pain, hope, and love fully. But right now, Hyungwon looked like he felt happiness in all its facets, and was far away from the cool guy everybody took him for. Tears ran down his red cheeks, looking like two ripe cherries, and he seemed to have a hard time calming down to take a breath. 

Since Hyungwon was so occupied laughing, Minhyuk took his chance squatting down to form a snowball with his gloved hands to throw it directly on Hyungwon’s head, making him laugh in astonishment at how targeted his cast had been. Besides, Hyungwon’s perplexed face was just priceless beyond measure. 

“Oh, you’re challenging me? The game is on,” Hyungwon said, still a bit out of breath, forming the snow to his feet to a snowball as well before running after Minhyuk who already ran off to get some distance between them, buying him some time for a counterattack. Their bickering and excited screams echoed through the quietness of the night and normally Minhyuk would have complained about people being disturbing in front of his window but right now, he couldn’t care less. His mind was unbothered by consequences, only present at the moment he spent with Hyungwon, just being silly and not thinking about anything.

Hyungwon’s snowball hit Minhyuk on his back and he was close by, so Minhyuk used his foot instead, whirling up the snow, which created a white wall between them, leaving Hyungwon dumbfoundedly behind. 

  
  
“Looks like I’m winning after all, don’t you think?” Minhyuk laughed, jumping at Hyungwon’s back to surprise him, but the younger took his chance to piggyback him and run off clumsily until they both collapsed in the snow in the middle of the park. They were both out of breath but couldn’t have cared less considering the amount of fun they had.

“I think we’re even now,” Hyungwon said, chuckling. He was collecting his breath with a big smile on his face and turned around under Minhyuk who was lying half on him, burying his face in Hyungwon’s scarf, which felt wet and cold from the snow. Their legs were half tangled together, just the way they did when they fell asleep together every night. 

“I take that,” Minhyuk said, still a bit out of breath, smiling at Hyungwon as he lifted his head to look at him. However, only now he became very much aware of how close they were, how Hyungwon’s body felt under his own, how red Hyungwon’s nose and cheeks looked. His full lips glistening in the dim light of the street lamps surrounding them, while snowflakes fell down on them both, choking every word inside his mouth Minhyuk had intended to say. 

_ You want to kiss him so badly. You need to kiss him. _

There was only silence. White calming silence, a blanket underneath secrets were shared in whispering voices, where new beginnings were born. He felt his heart racing inside his chest, while he felt unable to breathe, afraid it would be too loud, audible to everyone currently lying in their beds. Minhyuk couldn’t help looking at Hyungwon’s parted lips, inviting him to cover them with his own, warming them up with a hot, breathless kiss. The urge to lean in was strong enough for Minhyuk to feel it in his entire body, making him shiver with desire but instead of giving in to the moment and his feelings, he said:

  
  
“We should probably head home. It’s getting really cold.”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon sounded a bit reserved, clearing his throat and Minhyuk got back to his feet to help the younger boy up. The rest of the way home, they walked side by side, not saying a word, which didn’t exactly make the situation any less awkward that had just happened between them. But Minhyuk wouldn’t have known what to say and was only reminded how desperately he wanted to kiss Hyungwon, be close to him and feel his touch and his lips on his own. He had not once felt like that with Dongwoo ever, had never been part of his own romantic fantasies, but now he couldn’t help it and his original plan to distance himself emotionally from Hyungwon was probably off the table.

  
  
_ Is he feeling it too? Does he want it too? _

He couldn’t stop thinking about Hyungwon’s eyes locked with his own, there was something new shimmering inside of them, something Minhyuk hadn’t been aware of before. Something that looked like longing and desire. But was it possible that Hyungwon was as scared as he was? Scared of what might happen once they would overstep that thin line between them that was barely visible anymore. And if they both felt the same wouldn’t it harm their friendship in the end if neither of them was brave enough to confess?

“I really enjoyed myself today. Thank you for taking me to the concert,” Minhyuk said once they had settled into bed after slipping out of their wet clothes and into their comfortable sweatpants and hoodies they mostly wore at home. He laid on his side, looking at Hyungwon’s beautiful face that was framed with big round glasses he only put on at home, preferring contact lenses outside. Maybe because he looked even more handsome showing his face without glasses or because it was more practical at work, however, Minhyuk loved this side of him, the cozy one, the one that smelled and felt like home and safety. The version of Hyungwon only he was allowed to see.

“It’s my pleasure. I had fun too and Bon-Hwa loves you.” Hyungwon grinned, showing Minhyuk a message on his phone coming from Bon-Hwa telling him how much she liked Minhyuk and that she was looking forward to scheduling a date to meet them for lunch soon.

  
  
“She’s cute.” Minhyuk chuckled, looking down on the bedsheets he rubbed between his fingers. “It means a lot to me, that you’re introducing me to your friends,” he added quietly, all too aware that it wasn’t a given matter of course.

  
  
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” He heard Hyungwon placing his phone on the bedside table before rolling on his side as well, probably facing him. “You’re a very special and important person to me and I never had a doubt that they would love you as much as I do.” Hyungwon’s voice got a bit quieter at the end, and Minhyuk didn’t dare to look up at him at first, feeling like he was burning up from the inside. 

  
  
_ But does he love you in that way? _

He swallowed the lump inside his throat and lifted his eyelids to look at him as his long fingers reached out to play with the straps on Hyungwon’s hoodie, more subconsciously than intentionally. “I was thinking…” Minhyuk cleared his throat, didn’t want to give Hyungwon the impression that he was ignoring the words he had just said when quite the contrary was the case. “I wanted to ask if you could do a tattoo for me, placing it wherever you like. There’s no need for you to show me the design before, all I’m asking you is that it portraits the way you see me.” 

  
  
Minhyuk felt his voice shaking, asking for something he really wanted. He wanted to wear Hyungwon’s image of him under his skin, permanently - forever - and he wanted to show Hyungwon how much he trusted him. And he hoped it would give him the courage to finally show the black-haired boy how he felt about him.

“You sure about that? You’ll have it your whole life,” Hyungwon hummed, observing his face as he slowly brushed one of Minhyuk’s hair strands out of his face, tracing his fingertips over his cheek, making it hard for Minhyuk not to reconsider and go with the kissing instead. Right here, right now. And who could blame him, when Hyungwon looked like his favorite chocolate bar presented on a silver platter? 

  
  
_ This is torture. But he’s not doing anything more. _

_   
_ “I know, but it’s you and I trust you.” He stopped playing with the straps and for a while none of them said anything, embracing the moment of just being close to each other.

  
  
“Alright,” Hyungwon said and reached out behind him to place his glasses aside and turn off the light. “We can do it tomorrow. You’re not the only one with hidden sketches.” Even in the dark Minhyuk could see Hyungwon grinning. He felt his hand on his waist as he was ready to sleep but Minhyuk felt more than wide awake thanks to this revelation.

  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

  
  
“Good night, Min.” 

  
  
Minhyuk wanted to shake him and squeeze the information out of him, or maybe if he just stared at Hyungwon long enough he would be able to see right through him. But nothing of this was going to work so instead, he grumbled while embracing Hyungwon, cuddling into his arms with his head resting against his chest. 

  
-

It was their day off so neither of them had to get up early to go to work. Minhyuk had come to learn to enjoy sleeping in, treasuring the warmth of the blanket and the warmth Hyungwon’s body radiated next to him just a while longer. If their small apartment shielded them from the world, then staying in bed, holding each other close was their own personal bubble only the two of them shared. It was their happy place and it only belonged to them.

Their day started pretty usual with Hyungwon taking a shower while Minhyuk prepared breakfast for them. Neither of them mentioned the tattoo while they ate, instead, they discussed the performances of the bands they had seen the previous night and what an amazing singer Bon-Hwa was. 

“When I first saw you, I thought you would play at least E-Guitar in a rock band but then you brought me here and all I got were your socks everywhere.” Minhyuk sighed theatrical, eating his buttered toast and taking a sip from his cup of coffee.

  
  
“Excuse you? I don’t need to play E-Guitar to be cool but I’d love to DJ someday.” He left the fact about his sock problem out as they both came to terms that it wasn’t going to change in the nearest future - or ever. Same as with Minhyuk being a blanket thief. 

  
  
“Oh? Why don’t you?” Minhyuk was surprised to hear that Hyungwon was interested in being a DJ, it was the first time for him to hear about it. Nevertheless, he could already imagine Hyungwon standing behind a DJ booth stirring up the crowd with his excellent taste in music. 

  
  
“It’s something for later,” he said, looking out of the window, showing a beautiful blue sky. The sun was shining bright, making the snow look even whiter and almost unreal as it shimmered like thousands of small diamonds. “I’ll focus on doing tattoos for now. It’s what I’m passionate about and who knows what’s going to come and when or if it’s going to fade away. You just do stuff for a little while and enjoy them as long as they last and move on. It doesn’t mean these things were wrong or that you wasted your time, just that it felt right when you did them but you’ve changed and found something else that fulfills you.”

  
  
Minhyuk wondered what was going on inside Hyungwon’s head as he looked outside with this thoughtful look on his face. He was saving things for later even though he knew how quick a life could end leaving unspoken words and broken hearts behind. Still, he hoped he would be on Hyungwon’s side, supporting him no matter what new adventures he wanted to pursue as long as it made him happy it was worth it.

  
  
_ Everything is more colorful and bright with him by your side. _

“Anyway,” Hyungwon said, shifting his attention back to him. “Do you want to start with the tattoo after your shower? I can grab a smoke and prepare everything in the meantime.” 

  
  
“Yeah, sure. Let’s do it.” 

  
  
They finished breakfast and as Minhyuk stepped under the warm water of the shower he felt his heart racing again. He didn’t know where Hyungwon was going to place it but it would be the first time for him to reveal his body to someone else but Dongwoo. Hyungwon had always made sure to be polite and never stepped in on Minhyuk when he was in the shower or changing his clothes, providing him with comfort instead of pressuring him with expectations. Although, he wondered how he would feel being naked in front of Hyungwon and seeing the younger boy naked as well. Would it backlash on him with, triggering his anxiety or would they just take it slow, taking time to explore? Minhyuk couldn’t deny that there was a part of him that wanted to feel Hyungwon’s warm skin on his own.

  
  
_ Don’t think about this now or the shower is going to last longer than it’s supposed to be. _

_   
_ _   
_ A deep sigh left his lips and he closed his eyes, trying to lead his thoughts in a different direction. He tried to think about whales swimming in the ocean, something he really liked, though his mind took the calming blue to wander back to the night before. Hyungwon’s laugh echoed inside his mind, them fooling around in the snow like children, and just the thought made him warm and fuzzy again. Then his mind wandered to the moment they laid in the snow, the electrifying tension he had felt between them, and what would have happened if he had just leaned in and followed his heart.

  
  
_ You have to stop this. _

Minhyuk leaned his forehead against the tiles in front of him, growling in frustration thanks to the chaos of feelings that refused to give him a break. At least he would gain certainty how Hyungwon perceived him and would wear it on his body for the rest of his life. Still, he couldn’t deny that he felt nervous as he had absolutely no idea what design Hyungwon would choose. And what did it mean that he had already prepared one? Since when? Had he ever planned on showing it to him? 

_ Maybe you’re not the only one staring like a creep. _

The old lady must have seen something more and maybe Minhyuk wasn’t even allowing himself to see the signs. However, if there were indeed signs, he wanted to see them because somehow he wanted to be selfish for once and be in love no matter if the world was burning down around him.

  
  
After stepping out of the shower he dried his body with a towel and blow-dried his hair, putting on fresh underwear and tight blue jeans. He slightly opened the door to ask Hyungwon which body part he intended to do the tattoo on to find out if putting his shirt on was pointless or not.

  
  
“Your upper back. I’ll close my eyes until you lie down if you feel uncomfortable undressing in front of me,” Hyungwon said and for some reason, it made his heart swell. Just thinking how considerate he was and always made sure to create a situation Minhyuk felt safe in. He always made him feel safe so how bad could it be to expose his naked skin in front of Hyungwon and find out for himself how it felt? Plus, he wanted to see how the black-haired boy reacted to seeing his body.

_ You got this. _

_   
_ _   
_ Minhyuk held the shirt in front of his chest to at least cover his nipples and calm down his own nerves a bit. Of course, he couldn’t prevent feeling extremely nervous and insecure stepping into a new situation not knowing what he was going to wear on his skin for the rest of his life. 

Hyungwon looked a bit surprised seeing Minhyuk without a shirt but ensured him with a warm smile that everything was okay, though he looked like he felt a bit hot. “Are you ready for this?” he asked, his voice a bit raspy on the edges, making sure it was really Minhyuk’s wish to proceed.

A sterile sheet covered the sofa to keep the whole process as clean as possible. There was also a metal tray on the coffee table, holding all the materials Hyungwon would need during the process like fresh needles, ointment, tongue spatulas, green soap, and gloves. The tattoo machine and ink were placed to his right on an extra roll container. Everything looked like it was carefully sanitized and Hyungwon made sure to leave nothing to chance when it came to safety. Minhyuk witnessed it every time Hyungwon worked on Takumi’s tattoos and never failed to be amazed by his precautions and knowledge. The younger had shown him the product he used to disinfect everything, a really good one albeit pricey, but Hyungwon wasn’t stingy with safety even though he wasn’t a professional. 

  
  
“Yeah.” He slowly sat down on the sterile sheet, facing Hyungwon, who was sitting on an extra chair he only used while doing tattoos, next to the sofa. “Will it hurt much?”

  
  
“A bit. I mean everybody has a different sensation of pain but it shouldn’t be too bad on your back area. I’m going to prepare your skin and put the stencil on just as you’ve seen it with Takumi. There are snacks to keep your glucose level up during the session, and I’ll help you to keep the tattoo clean and apply moisturizer afterward. It’s winter, so you probably didn’t plan any sunbathing or swimming in the next three weeks.” Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk intently, waiting if he had any other questions to ask.

  
  
Instead, Minhyuk lowered his shirt and laid down on his stomach, hearing the younger boy exhaling intensely. 

  
  
“Here eat this. I’ll get the stencil,” Hyungwon said, placing a wrapped-up sandwich in his hand, and got up from his seat for a brief moment before sitting down again. Out of the corner of his eyes, Minhyuk saw that Hyungwon simply took a moment to observe the flawless skin on his back, though, it didn’t feel uncomfortable. And neither did Hyungwon take advantage of the situation to take his hands on him or touch him indecently. 

  
  
_ But you want to know how his hands feel on your skin. _

_   
_ _   
_ Minhyuk was glad that Hyungwon couldn’t read his thoughts and couldn’t see how red his face had gotten all of a sudden, just thinking about feeling his big, warm hands on his body. The sandwich didn’t do much to calm his nerves but at least filled his stomach for the next hours to come.

The object of his desire, however, acted all professional, disinfecting his hands again and putting on a fresh pair of surgical gloves before preparing the tattoo gun. He opened one of the needle packages and made sure to set it to the correct length in the gun, checking in once again. “Do you feel comfortable? Can I start?” Hyungwon asked.

  
  
“Please,” Minhyuk said, knowing what was going to follow but unsure how it was going to feel on his own skin. He felt Hyungwon preparing the area he wanted to tattoo by cleansing it with green soap and distilled water and shaving it carefully before adding a stencil solution, helping for the actual stencil to stay in place. Hyungwon pressed the stencil down onto his prepared skin and waited a few minutes before peeling it away slowly. “When did you make the design for this?” Minhyuk asked a bit more quietly.

  
  
“I did the first design after our trip to Nami Island and added a few things here and there over time.” Hyungwon reached out for the tattoo gun and poured the freshly opened ink into it before leaning over Minhyuk. “Now comes the uncomfortable part, don’t move under any circumstances and just take deep breaths.” 

  
  
“It can’t be that- Holy Mother Of Jesus!” Minhyuk yelped in surprise to the new sensation on his back which felt similar to a cut if one compared the stinging and burning. Still, he tried to stay still and bite down his knuckles instead, focusing on his breathing until the pain became somehow acceptable. “I did not see that coming,” he said under his breath.

  
  
“You good, Min?” Hyungwon asked, concentrating working along the filigree lines of the stencil on Minhyuk’s back with a steady hand, removing excess ink routinely along the way.

  
  
“Fine.” he sounded defeated, still trying to cope with the painful sensation by eating some snacks Hyungwon had prepared for him. Minhyuk also tried making out what motive Hyungwon was inking on his skin but it was next to impossible so he gave up. One thing he could say for sure was that it seemed to include a lot of details so he kept quiet, watching one episode after another on Hyungwon’s laptop the black-haired boy had put on the windowsill in front of him, to not disturb Hyungwon’s work.

“I’m gonna switch needles now so you can take a breather.” Hyungwon chuckled, turning down the power source to extract the needle, disposing of it in a special sharps container before fixing the new needle and opening a new ink capsule. “It’s all worth the pain I promise,” he said before switching the power source on again to fill out the lines, which somehow felt way more relaxing than the outlines so far.

By now, Minhyuk had lost track of time and how many episodes he had already watched, only realizing that it was getting late by the sky darkening outside and the streetlamps in front of their window switching on. 

  
  
_ How long is he working on your tattoo already? _

_   
_ _   
_ He could only imagine how exhausting it must be on Hyungwon, working so focused and with a steady hand on one piece of art, making sure it was going to be perfect so Minhyuk wouldn’t regret his request. Even when he was sacrificing his day off for him without ever complaining. After switching the needles and color a third time to add more shading on the tattoo, Hyungwon was switching the power off ultimately and cleaned the area once more with green soap. With a fresh tongue depressor, Hyungwon applied a small amount of ointment on the tattoo, placing everything aside eventually taking a deep breath. “It’s done”

  
  
“Really?” Minhyuk asked, turning his head around to look at Hyungwon, relieved that the seemingly endless needle poking was finally over. It also meant he would be finally able to see Hyungwon’s hard work, wearing his image of him on his body as a reminder that he wasn’t worthless and invisible. 

“Yeah. Let me take a quick picture, then you can take a look in the mirror.” Hyungwon slipped out of the gloves and reached over to get his phone, waited until Minhyuk was slowly sitting up so he could record his latest artwork. Minhyuk watched him hurrying into the kitchen, coming back with a small smoothie bottle so his system wouldn’t collapse once he’d get up after such a long session. 

“Thank you, Wonnie.” How was the younger boy so considerate? Minhyuk couldn’t wrap his head around the fact how blessed he was that they'd met back in that public bathroom in the club. It had all started there and now they were here, with Hyungwon inking his back, taking such good care of him afterward, and Minhyuk not realizing that he was comfortably sitting half-naked in front of his crush sipping a smoothie.

Hyungwon, on the other hand, seemed unfamiliarly distracted, trying to keep his eyes off Minhyuk’s slim body, especially his hard, dark nipples that looked like they were longing for attention. So he tried to keep himself busy by looking for the big hand mirror for Minhyuk to easily see his tattoo when he would step in front of the full-body mirror in the small hallway. 

“Thank you for trusting me,” Hyungwon said, handing Minhyuk the hand mirror after he had finished his smoothie and they had stepped over to the hallway. “I hope you’re going to love what you see as much as I do.”   
  


  
Love. What kind of love was he going to see once he would take a look into the mirror? It was like Hyungwon was acting as his mirror but would Minhyuk recognize the same person as well? All this time he had avoided taking a close look at himself, turning his back on himself, the same back that was now graced with beauty - at least that’s what Minhyuk imagined.

  
  
_ You need to see it. _

__   
__   
Minhyuk turned his back to the full-body mirror and faced Hyungwon, who was casually leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed in front of his body. He lifted the hand mirror to look at himself with open eyes and an open heart for the first time in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to a kiss... :D
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)   
>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the best kiss you ever had.

_ A rose. _

There was a red rose inside an ornamented frame, entangled by amazingly detailed tendrils. The leaves on the tendrils were insanely drawn up, as were the details of the frame and the rose itself. The crimson red rose shone so brightly, was almost glowing, standing out from the black outlines of the rest of the tattoo - which couldn’t be blamed on the red and irritated state his skin was currently in only.

“This is the way you see me,” Minhyuk whispered in disbelief even though he was perfectly aware of all the situations Hyungwon had compared him to red roses before. He couldn’t stop staring at the mirrored image of his tattoo, didn’t even realize that a few tears rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably. 

All this time, he had been confronted by people telling him he was unlovable, adding wound after wound, scar after scar to his body and soul. But here he was, with pale scars on his arm, a heart full of love for Hyungwon and a life he loved even though he would have never thought it looked like this. He had everything he truly loved in his darkest moments, was stripped bare in front of another person, and felt safe, knowing for sure that Hyungwon would never do anything to hurt him.

“It is a rose in a mirror to remind you to love yourself reflecting in the mirror,” he said quietly. The black-haired boy was still standing just a few meters away from him, observing his reaction, allowing Minhyuk to embrace this eye-opening moment - though, he was undeniably nervous, biting down his lower lip, waiting for Minhyuk to finally look at him. 

Slowly, Minhuyk lowered the hand mirror, facing Hyungwon, who looked back at him in silence. He stepped closer to the younger boy, surprised by himself how unbothered he was that Hyungwon could see his half-naked body, but didn’t matter because Minhyuk felt so safe with him. So safe, that it made him realize how much he wanted Hyungwon to see him, to see his body, and to see that look in his eyes telling him that he wanted to be close to Minhyuk. 

  
  
He wrapped his arms around Hyungwon, wordlessly, feeling a pleasant shiver running down his spine as he felt Hyungwon mirroring his action. His warm hands felt incredibly good, resting on his naked skin, making Minhyuk aware of the fact that he wanted him even more. Hyungwon was indeed his mirror, showing him his reflection, his real reflection, without judgment and making it possible for him to grow. And he was sure that he couldn’t have grown like this without Hyungwon by his side. He would have missed out on friendship, on love, on having a home, and the chance to touch someone else’s heart by just being himself.

The thick fog clouding and distorting his mind for so long slowly faded away, making it possible for Minhyuk to see the path under his feet and to feel the light of the sun on his skin. The walls of the maze had shrunken down, small enough for Minhyuk to see what - who - was waiting for him on the other side. Ever since Hyungwon had reached out for his hand in the shower, he never let go of him and was leading him out of the dark back into the light. Minhyuk had never thought it was possible, and even now he couldn’t quite believe how lucky he was. But it was real.

  
  
_ Tell him. You need to tell him. _

_  
_ _  
_ “Thank you, Hyungwon. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was so lost and ready to end it, but you were there, every step along the way. I couldn’t have done this without you,” Minhyuk said, burying his nose in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck, feeling his hot skin and the tingling sensation of his long hair. He felt Hyungwon’s low hum in his whole body, wanted to melt into him and never let go. His warm breath tickled on his cheek as they loosened their embrace, leaning their foreheads against each other as they had done so many times before. 

  
  
“It’s ride or die, isn’t it? You deserve to live your best life,” Hyungwon whispered, swallowing the lump inside his throat, he couldn’t quite get rid of. His hands slowly wandered down Minhyuk’s sides, barely touching him, though Minhyuk could feel they were shaking before he cautiously intertwined their fingers. 

There was something unspoken lingering between them, something hidden in the dark desperately waiting for the door to open so it could step outside to breathe and flourish. Hyungwon’s breath sounded faltering as if he had to restrain himself from taking action, tracing his thumbs nervously over the back of Minhyuk’s hand. Meanwhile, Minhyuk couldn’t stop himself from staring at Hyungwon’s parted lips, looking so deliciously kissable, perfectly curved as if they were calling out to Minhyuk to press his own mouth into them. Hyungwon wanted him to have the best in life, but Minhyuk still wasn’t sure if he could just take it. If it was okay to close his eyes and give in to the temptation of kissing the black-haired boy, even though there was nothing else on his mind, making it impossible to think straight. 

  
  
_ You want it so much. _

He had never wanted to kiss anyone so badly, had never wanted to bury his fingers desperately in someone else’s hair, melting into them, seeking for their touch, their kiss, their body. Minhyuk wanted to taste Hyungwon, to touch him, to see how he reacted, and to hear how he sounded when he was feeling in utter bliss. 

  
  
“Hyungwon, I-” Minhyuk gasped by his own thoughts, squeezing Hyungwon’s hands a bit harder, resulting in the younger boy looking at him directly with slightly blushed cheeks. 

_ He feels it too. _

“We should patch up your tattoo,” Hyungwon said, his voice so raspy that it almost swallowed his words. The warmth of the black-haired boy’s hands left with their intimate moment neither of them acted on once more. It was gone like the moment the night before in the park and Minhyuk couldn’t help but feel incredibly upset and disappointed. He didn’t want to accept those moments that repeatedly invited them to act but passed by without any achievement. Minhyuk couldn’t help but feel angry about fearing the unknown. How wrong could a feeling be when it felt so intense and was almost impossible to control anymore? And most importantly, he didn’t want to control it anymore, wanted to let go more than ever.

Balling his hands into fists, Minhyuk followed Hyungwon back to the sofa and sat down next to him, turning his back on him, giving the younger easy access. The black-haired boy put on fresh surgical gloves before he carefully applied the protection patch on Minhyuk’s back. Neither of them said anything, the silence between them thick and unpleasant, waiting for one of them to finally break it. 

_ You have to tell him. You need to know if he feels the same. He wants to act on it too, doesn’t he? _

Minhyuk was biting down his lower lip, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was desperate for sharing physical intimacy with Hyungwon. He was gay and there was unresolved tension between them that was building up with every passing second they were unable to address this monstrous elephant in the room. But why was Hyungwon not doing anything? Was he sensing that it was more for Minhyuk but wasn’t interested in anything serious and held back to not hurt his feelings? Or didn’t he like the thought that Minhyuk had been with Dongwoo? Was he disgusted by his scars? No, that couldn’t be it when he compared him with roses all the time. Maybe it was just bare sexual tension since they lived in such a cramped space together and were physically close all the time. And would Minhyuk be okay with it if that was the case?

_ You wouldn’t because you need feelings and a deeper connection to have sex. _

It was confusing to feel this desire for Hyungwon when his previous relationship had taught him that intimacy and Dongwoo touching his body had felt incredibly wrong. However, he felt safe with Hyungwon, wanted him to touch his body, wanted to explore and communicate with him and he was sure the younger boy would give him all the time in the world. But what if he was wrong? What if he turned around and confessed just to find that everything was just a product of his fertile imagination? And what if it worked out at first and went down in flames just the way it did with Dongwoo? Where was he supposed to go? What was he supposed to do without Hyungwon, especially now that he was wearing him under his skin for the rest of his life? Would he ever be able to move on from him?

  
  
_ Answers. You need answers. _

_  
_ _  
_ “So, I was thinking…” Minhyuk blurted out just to stare at his reflection in the black laptop screen in front of him on the windowsill, feeling Hyungwon stopping in his motion. He felt his heart hammering unpleasantly in his chest and looked utterly terrified, adrenaline rushing through his veins as he thought about a way to take his words back. Unfortunately, he had Hyungwon’s full attention and there was nowhere to run so he was basically forced to finish that sentence he had just started. 

  
  
He could feel Hyungwon’s eyes at the back on his head, not moving a muscle until Minhyuk started to speak again, while babbling was a more suitable word to describe the flood of words escaping his mouth.

  
  
“I’m… I’m not good at speaking my feelings out loud and actually I have no idea if I can even trust my own feelings or if all this is just a product of my imagination, though, even the old lady seems to know more about this than I do. Anyway, please correct me if I’m wrong, but it feels like there’s something more between us than just friendship and God, I really want to kiss you. I’m so, so sorry. Maybe I’m really a hypocrite? I always imagined it to feel like this to truly like someone but it never felt this way before and I don’t know if it’s real and if I should compare it with my wishful thinking or my actual experiences. If you don’t feel this way, just forget I ever mentioned this, okay? It’s not my intention to destroy our friendship and to be honest, I’m terrified what’s going to happen once I shut up but, fuck, I like you. I like you so much, Hyungwon and I’ll just shut up now.”

Minhyuk was staring at his hands that were placed in his lap, holding his breath and could feel the silence falling down between them. Hyungwon didn’t say a word and it only increased his nervousness with each passing second, so he closed his eyes, biting down his lower lip to suppress the disappointment and shame swallowing the courage that had just rushed through his system.

_ Why isn’t he saying anything? Fuck, this was a mistake.  _

Hyungwon’s hands finished the patch on his tattoo and it somehow made him want to cry because no answer at all would mean that Hyungwon wanted to treat his confession as something that had never even happened in the first place. Minhyuk felt his lower lip shaking and buried his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

  
  
He heard the younger boy humming softly, and the sound of him slipping out of the surgical gloves. The next thing Minhyuk felt was Hyungwon’s warm hands on his upper arms, softly forcing him to turn around. God, he couldn’t face him like this. He definitely wasn’t ready to hear him saying that he wasn’t feeling the same way even though he knew it was going to follow. 

“This would be a lot easier if you’d allow me to look into your eyes, Min,” Hyungwon said softly, tracing his fingers over his forearms up to his hands, waiting for Minhyuk to show his face. There was a fine line on his left cheek where a tear had blazed its trail, only to be covered by Hyungwon’s warm lips, making Minhyuk look up in surprise. Hyungwon rubbed over his hands before letting go of them, framing Minhyuk’s face with his own hands instead. “You’re such an idiot sometimes. I like you too, and I’m going to kiss you now.”

  
  
“I feel like I’m losing control but I can’t think of anything else. Fuck.” Minhyuk’s voice was a mere whisper, his hands trembling from the sheer force of holding himself back. He wasn’t used to this, to the talking, the realization that someone else liked him romantically, and the amount of tension forcing every logical thought out of his mind. Besides, all he could think of at that moment was feeling those sinful lips on his own.

  
  
“That’s the good thing about kissing,” Hyungwon shifted closer to him, resulting in Minhyuk gasping as their thighs touched, making his stomach tickle in pure excitement. “It feels best when you’re letting go.” He smiled as he leaned in to press his beautiful lips against Minhyuk’s. 

His eyes fluttered shut with goosebumps spreading all over his body the moment their lips finally melted into one another as if they were meant to be. Low hums left Minhyuk’s lips and his hands that had been uselessly placed on his lap traveled upwards finding their way into Hyungwon’s long silky hair. The touch of their lips felt like a hot burning flame, spreading through his whole body, lightning up every cell inside of him as he gave into this pure sensational experience completely. Minhyuk had always imagined a kiss to feel like this, and now that he finally felt it there was nothing he could have compared it to since every kiss he had ever shared with Dongwoo seemed nothing like a bad dream. But this, this was real and it was perfect and all he ever wanted.

There was nothing he needed to control and he felt lightheaded, unwilling to separate from Hyungwon’s lips for even a second, only moving closer and looking for more proximity as he moved his lips against Hyungwon’s warm mouth, feeling like soft cushions. 

It was overwhelming to kiss someone who made his mind go blank and swept away the fear of unwanted physical attention and the dominating thoughts telling him to perform in a certain way. All he felt was dizzy, almost drunk and already addicted to the way Hyungwon tasted and the way his thumbs brushed over his heated cheeks.

_ This is the best kiss you ever had. _

He felt Hyungwon softly sucking on his bottom lip, letting out low hums and gasps followed by his warm tongue as if to ask for permission to enter his mouth. Minhyuk couldn’t help but let out a breathless moan, parting his lips and tilting his head automatically to have their tongues meet. He pulled Hyungwon desperately closer, tucking his hair a little as he felt Hyungwon’s hands wandering over his shoulders and down his naked chest. There was no fear creeping up inside of him when Hyungwon touched him and he also didn’t show any kind of expectations, was simply exploring Minhyuk’s naked chest with his fingertips. Their kiss swallowing every moan that was evoked in the process - and still, it wasn’t enough. Minhyuk needed more.

Hyungwon tasted so fucking good, with a hint of menthol of the bonbons he always ate after smoking, it was intoxicating, making Minhyuk desperate to taste more, to feel more of him everywhere on his body. He never thought that someone could make his body react like this and that being close so someone else could feel so pleasant and hot. 

  
  
His own arousal was only fueled by Hyungwon’s low moans, and his thumbs sensually rubbing over his hard nubs as if by accident, so he allowed their kiss to deepen, for Hyungwon to ravish his mouth more. Minhyuk pressed his body closer, breaking their kiss for a brief moment involuntarily, only to sink down onto Hyungwon’s lap, his legs perfectly framing his slim hips. 

“You taste so damn good,” Hyungwon whispered breathlessly and for a moment they just looked at each other, gasping for air and with their cheeks flushed red. Minhyuk could feel Hyungwon’s clothed erection pressing against his butt and back with Dongwoo he would have interpreted it as unpleasant and unwanted but with Hyungwon it felt like he was burning up. 

_ You feel desired in a good way. _

“You’re driving me crazy, fuck. Nobody ever made me feel this way.” He slowly licked over his lips unconsciously, framing Hyungwon’s face with his hands before he leaned in for another kiss. His eyes fluttered shut immediately and his lips found its soft and curved counterpart in a matter of seconds, more courageous this time as if them kissing was the only thing that mattered. There was no yesterday and there was no tomorrow. There was only now and the pure force of sensation every little motion triggered, no matter how brief. 

  
  
Hyungwon’s hands felt burning hot, wandering over his sides, pulling him even closer as he caressed his lower back, careful not to get near his freshly inked tattoo. He couldn’t help pressing Minhyuk’s down on himself to increase the friction on his crotch, resulting in them moaning against each other’s lips desperately. “Fuck, you’re so attractive. I just can’t help it, you make me react like this.” the black-haired boy gasped against his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth and leaning their foreheads together. Minhyuk noticed that he looked a bit embarrassed by his own arousal and the strong reaction his body showed from their heated kisses. 

_ Is he inexperienced?  _

That couldn’t be the case, or could it? Hyungwon was a damn handsome seventeen-year-old boy, who was also a damn good kisser - and from what Minhyuk could feel on his butt, he also had a well-sized and firm dick. In vain, he looked for his anxiety, warning him of another disappointing sexual encounter, though, he couldn’t find it. Besides, Hyungwon didn’t seem like he was sure if it was too soon and if he should act on it or not, and somehow it made his heart even warmer and fuzzy, knowing that Hyungwon would never bring him in a position of helplessness. And it wasn’t like Minhyuk’s jeans weren't painfully tight around his crotch either.

“It feels so good when you touch me,” Minhyuk whispered, brushing his fingertips over Hyungwon’s cheek and over the skin of his neck that wasn’t covered by his hoodie. He wanted to touch more of his skin, touch it with his lips, craving for Hyungwon’s reaction and making him feel the same warmth the younger boy made him feel. “It’s so different from my previous experiences but it feels so right with you, and I can’t help but think about being close to you and explore all those things together.” He didn’t know where his sudden confidence came from but it felt right to openly communicate with Hyungwon about it, and it was apparently something they both desired.

“Me too,” Hyungwon hummed. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.” He smiled and softly rubbed his forehead against Minhyuk’s, the long fingers of his right hand slowly tracing over his collar bones. This simple touch alone made Minhyuk’s body shiver and it was undeniably clear to him that he wanted the sensation back, embracing the moment of just being close and feeling good. It felt valuable and was way more than just a physical need.

  
  
_ But you want him. _

“I know, but I want this.” Minhyuk inhaled sharply, softly brushing a few strands of silky hair back, looking into Hyungwon’s dark eyes, and down to his red kissed lips that looked like pure temptation. Should they stop now and hope their arousal would go away or should they give in to this new sensation a little more, fully aware that every single touch was setting them on fire? They had missed out on so many chances before and it seemed neither of them was willing to add this one on the list, so Minhyuk obeyed when Hyungwon’s hand wandered on his nape and pulled him into another deep kiss.

_ You can’t help it. He makes you feel so much. _

Minhyuk wrapped his arms around Hyungwon’s neck, feeling his hot hands travel down his lower spine again, caressing over his stomach and up to his chest, drawing it with his long slender fingers and it felt so incredibly good, reminding Minhyuk what a luxury it was for him to be touched like that. Hyungwon was exploring his upper body so tenderly, showing no ulterior motive to be inside him or force Minhyuk down to please him. There was only the desire of being as close to him as possible, feeling his skin and tasting him more, with their tongues melting into one another. 

It was so affectionate and caring, and Minhyuk couldn’t help his breathing becoming heavier and heavier, especially when Hyungwon’s lips left his own, traveling over his jawline and his neck instead. He gasped, his vision blurry, unable to grasp what was happening to him, was only enjoying the feeling of being treasured like that, with Hyungwon’s plush lips leaving hot kisses all over his neck. His whole body was shivering, sheer overwhelmed by the sensitivity, and he gave Hyungwon even more access to his neck. His own hand slipped under Hyungwon’s hoodie, wandered up under his clothed chest, fingers softly brushing over his ribs before rubbing over his right nipple underneath.

“Is this okay?” Minhyuk’s voice sounded unsteady, the lump inside his throat refused to leave no matter how often he tried to swallow it down. Hyungwon’s warm skin felt so good under his fingers, his skin smooth, and his nipple hard and sensitive for his touch. The younger boy’s moans sent a new wave of arousal directly to his groin, and Minhyuk pushed his hips down on Hyungwon more involuntarily, increasing the friction between them. The sounds that evoked from Hyungwon’s lips were so addicting that he wanted to hear them every day.

  
  
_ God, he’s making you lose your mind. _

_  
_ _  
_ “More than okay.” Hyungwon’s hot breaths were hitting a very sensitive spot behind Minhyuk’s ear, and goosebumps followed by small waves of shivers ran all over his body. He wasn’t even particularly aware of his sensitive areas since Dongwoo had never taken the time to actually explore his body to figure out what he liked. He loved the way Hyungwon reacted to him and how he sounded when he was turned on and Minhyuk embraced his own sexual desire for the first time in his life. It didn’t feel shameful, not embarrassing but exceptionally hot and right, his mind so drunk from the endorphins and the excitement of being with Hyungwon.

Hyungwon must have taken his hand on his nipple as an invitation, and slipped out of his hoodie completely and Minhyuk would have lied if he said that the sight of Hyungwon’s naked upper body didn’t make his mouth feel dry all of a sudden, and switched the remaining lights of restriction inside his head off. The black-haired boy didn’t seem to have any problems, showing his naked skin to him.

_ Well, fuck. _

Minhyuk had to restrict himself from staring, though, he couldn’t help running his hands over Hyungwon’s naked chest, following the lines of his body, and absorbing the younger boy’s reactions when he rubbed over his nipples in slow circular motions. “Oh my fucking god,” he mumbled more to himself before he pressed himself flush against Hyungwon’s body, feeling his hot skin against his own, wanting to be as close as humanly possible. Their lips found each other immediately, more urgent this time, kisses growing messier with the tension and arousal between them. When Minhyuk tightened his thighs around Hyungwon’s hips, the boy couldn’t help but wrap his right arm around his hips, only pressing him further down on him, moving his hips a little to increase friction. 

Muffled moans were swallowed by heated kisses, tongues desperately melting into one another, every touch eliminating any possible thought that didn’t involve being close and sharing indescribable pleasure. Minhyuk’s hips moved almost on their own, starting to grind himself on Hyungwon, feeling his hard erection rubbing on his butt, longing for even more proximity. His head was clouded, filled with cotton candy, and they could only moan against each other’s lips the more they progressed their motions, desperate for release. And Minhyuk could already feel it, the utter bliss of his orgasm, caused by intoxicating kisses, the taste of Hyungwon’s soft lips, and the sounds he made with their bodies being so close.

However, right then in the heat of the moment, Hyungwon’s hand thoughtlessly ran up Minhyuk’s back to pull him even closer, accidentally roaming over the freshly-inked tattoo on his back. It would have been an understatement to say that the mist of passion instantly vaporized into thin air with Minhyuk yelping in surprise when the pain chased through his system. “Holy shit!” His face that had been painted with desperation and desire was now pale and distorted in pain.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry, Minhyuk. Are you okay?” Hyungwon’s face was filled with worry and he immediately checked if the patch was still sticking in place, which unfortunately couldn’t take away the unpleasant stinging that was burning like fires from hell, Minhyuk was currently experiencing. 

_ Well, that’s disappointing. _

“I’m fine,” Minhyuk mumbled, leaning his forehead against Hyungwon’s shoulder, trying to focus on the soft fingers stroking over his head and his lower back. He couldn’t quite grasp that their first heated make-out session ended like that, but even now it didn’t feel strange or uncomfortable that they had fallen down the hole of passion and overstepped the line between friendship and lovers. Their intimacy didn’t feel wrong as were Hyungwon’s touches or his kisses on his body, which calmed his nerves tremendously. “Guess we have to finish that next time.” He felt his cheeks glowing up again, mumbling those words against Hyungwon’s warm skin, nestling into his warm and secure embrace. 

“I’d love to,” Hyungwon hummed softly, placing a kiss on his head, holding him close. “Would you like to be my boyfriend?” 

Minhyuk lifted his head to look at Hyungwon incredulously, hadn’t he expected the younger boy to ask him such a question so casually, but then again, this was Hyungwon, the same boy that took him in, showing him what it meant to be loved instead of throwing him away. He looked genuine, his lips graced with a tender smile, caressing his nape with his fingers as he waited for Minhyuk’s answer. 

Just looking at him made his heart swell, realizing that his confession hadn’t destroyed them but led them into a new chapter of their relationship. Right now, Minhyuk really felt like a rose, planted into the right place, was taken care of by the right person, making him able to flourish and show his rich color and beauty. With a smile, he softly grabbed Hyungwon’s face to kiss his sweet lips. “Of course,” he said, chuckling a little, too overwhelmed by all the new events that had just happened, butterflies swarming out inside his stomach compensating the burning skin on his back.

This time, the silence stretching out between them wasn’t an uncomfortable one but pleasant, soothing like a warm breeze in spring, with the ocean water softly caressing the sand onshore. As much as Minhyuk wanted the heated sensation back, that came to stop so abruptly, he loved the moments where they just held each other close, especially now that they shared skin on skin contact it felt so much more intimate than ever before. And of course, somewhere in the back of his head, there was fear of losing it all, that it wasn’t going to last, however, when he looked at Hyungwon he felt like they could do anything together. The black-haired boy made him feel as if everything was possible no matter the circumstances of the past.

Since it was getting late, and work was waiting for them in the morning, they got ready for bed, and slipped under the covers, closely entangled and facing each other. It was a shame that they were fully dressed again, though Minhyuk couldn’t resist sneaking his hand under Hyungwon’s shirt to feel the warm skin on his back. 

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Minhyuk bit down his lower lip, searching for Hyungwon’s eyes in the dark, trying to make sense of the fact that they were feeling the same but none of them had had the courage to tell until now.

“Because you had other things on your plate, Min.” He softly brushed his thumb over Minhyuk’s lower lip. “You just came out of a toxic relationship, lost the life you’re used to, ending up in a new life with a strange dude in a shoebox. I’d say that were enough changes at once if you asked me. Besides, I don’t think you were even open to allow yourself the possibility that I might like you romantically, so I gave you space to figure out who you want to be and what you want. And I’m so happy for you that you were finally able to face yourself.” 

Minhyuk was in the lack of words to say, feeling like he was just hit by a hurricane, realizing that he had adapted to a completely different life, giving himself the opportunity to open up to the way Hyungwon perceived him instead of avoiding himself. There was still that distorted image of himself but it became more and more blurred with every day he took a step into the right direction, still, he didn’t know what it would do to him being in a relationship with Hyungwon. Would his memories of Dongwoo’s treatment kick in at some point? Was he even able to love someone unconditionally and purely when he had never experienced love from his mother? All of a sudden he wasn’t so sure anymore. Shouldn’t he protect Hyungwon from someone like him? Didn’t he deserve someone who was stable and not as emotionally scarred as him?

_ What if you mess this up? _

“What if I’m still not ready? What if I make mistakes?” Minhyuk whispered suppressed by his doubts and the uncertainty if he could trust himself and his own feelings even though they had led him here. 

“We have to make mistakes to figure out what works and whatnot. I touched your tattoo because I couldn’t think of anything else but being close to you, and I will be more careful next time. We don’t have to rush anything and just take it slow, Minhyuk. I’m not going anywhere and we can figure it out together, okay? It’s just you and me just like before with a little more physical activity.” He didn’t know what it was but Hyungwon always seemed to find the right words to shush his fears away as they emerged and he believed him.

“Why do you always know what to say?” Minhyuk whined playfully, brushing their foreheads together, caressing Hyungwon’s warm skin underneath his shirt, snuggling closer into his embrace so he won’t miss out any chance of being close to him. The black-haired boy’s arms held him close, and his hot breath brushed over his face, creating the safe silence of the bubble where they could just be.

“Because I’m the other side of you.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
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	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is finally happening for you and it’s beyond your dreams.

Three weeks passed and it was already the end of December, and also the end of the year, which was almost unbelievable to Minhyuk. Thinking about all the things that had happened, playing it revue in his mind, still, it felt surreal how his life had been before he met Hyungwon almost two months ago. 

_Two months already._

Instead of aiming for exceptional grades, Minhyuk was working in a flower shop and instead of suppressing his emotions and punishing himself for being unlovable, he talked to Hyungwon or simply leaned on him when he couldn’t even explain what was going on inside his head. Minhyuk wasn’t living with his mother and Dongwoo wasn’t his boyfriend anymore and he hadn’t heard from them ever since they went their separate ways. He didn’t think about them that often anymore, was too occupied with actually living his life and learning to handle the fact that he had friends now, who liked to hang out with him. And additional to that, his new relationship with Hyungwon was flourishing like the rose on his back.

The black-haired boy took great care of his tattoo while it was healing, kissing his neck and his shoulders after he applied the lotion, and it was hard for Minhyuk to not think about the taste of Hyungwon’s lips when he wasn’t with him. He didn’t know how he got so lucky to actually find someone who gave him time and created a safe environment for him to explore his own body and his partner’s body. So far, they didn’t go any further than the heated make-out sessions on the sofa or the bed - or behind the coffee shop Hyungwon worked in after his shift ended and Minhyuk picked him up from work. 

Minhyuk loved Hyungwon’s body, his touch, and his lips on his own and he couldn’t help fantasizing about seeing him completely naked and just feel all of his warm skin on his own. He couldn’t stop thinking about it when he touched himself in the shower, overwhelmed by how vivid his fantasies had gotten and that they actually included him, which was a whole new experience for him. But who could even blame him when Hyungwon had almost made him come in his pants just grinding on him the day of their first kiss? It still made him blush even now but he couldn’t deny that it had been exceptionally hot, and he wanted to share more of this kind of intimacy with Hyungwon.

_It’s just that Hyungwon always stops before things get out of control._

Maybe it was because he didn’t want to hurt him after accidentally touching his freshly-inked tattoo the first time or that he wanted to give Minhyuk space - which he highly appreciated. He was so used to the oversexualized behavior of his mother and Dongwoo, forcing him into situations he couldn’t escape, making him ashamed of his own bodily reaction that Hyungwon’s considerate treatment appeared almost alien to him. However, Minhyuk felt like his desire for the younger boy was setting him on fire and he needed more, wanted to share even more with Hyungwon, listening to those low moans and seeing his face in bliss. He wanted to make him feel good, he deserved it after taking such great care of Minhyuk for over two months.

_Who even does that? He gives so much even after losing it all._

Minhyuk was aware that he had changed, and it was still confusing for him to come up with a new mindset since he couldn’t use his self-doubting ones with Hyungwon, or the old lady or Hyungwon’s friends, who were also his friends now. How was he even deserving of all this? He didn’t know how to handle the fact that being himself was enough for other people to like him - and to fall in love with him. If he had to deal with his feelings alone he probably wouldn’t do so well, but Minhyuk wasn’t the only one who had bottled up a lot of trauma in his soul. 

The more time he spent with Hyungwon, the more he realized that his cool looks and his flirty attitude might have made him desirable to many, still, it was Minhyuk he opened up to because he knew how it felt. However, he could also tell that it wasn’t as easy for Hyungwon to live as carefree and unbothered as it looked. Even if he planned for the future and wanted Minhyuk to be a part of it, there was a part inside of him somewhere worrying he might lose it all from one second to another. They hadn’t talked about it, though Minhyuk could sense it since it was far easier to focus on Hyungwon’s issues than his own. 

It actually made sense. Hyungwon had emphasized that he was his other side and Minhyuk had wanted to see himself through the younger boy’s eyes as if to look into a mirror to see his true self. If Hyungwon mirrored him, then Minhyuk could do the same for him to help him overcome his fears and allow himself to fully embrace the life they could build together.

_We just take care of each other. We’ll figure it out together as a team._

They hadn’t spent much time with each other the last couple of days, their different work schedules were to blame for that unfortunate circumstance. Things got really busy so close to the end of the year but Minhyuk was looking forward to spending New Year’s Eve with Hyungwon and their friends at Bon Hwa’s house. Both her parents were out to visit her grandparents and she was eager enough to convince them that she wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with her boyfriend and friends.

Minhyuk wondered if he might get the chance to talk to her about Hyungwon, finding out a bit more about the person he was before the accident happened. Hyungwon wasn’t really talkative about this topic, as if he tried to prevent himself from remembering that he was once full of hopes and dreams that crashed in the blink of an eye. Sure, he had adapted to his new life and the circumstances given to him and they had led him to Minhyuk, opening up new possibilities they both haven’t had before. And it wasn’t like Minhyuk looked for evidence why he wasn’t good for Hyungwon - quite the contrary - he wanted to understand him better and stay by his side. 

“Ah, young love, always daydreaming,” the old lady said standing next to Minhyuk, making him blush while clearing his throat. It was pointless to deny it since she had the ability to look right through him as she had impressively proofed by helping Minhyuk out with the confusing emotional chaos inside his head. Besides, when he came in for work after his first kiss with Hyungwon, she had congratulated him without Minhyuk even saying a word. She had said he was glowing, radiating a kind of happiness she had never seen on him before and Minhyuk really wanted to know how she read in his face like in an open book. 

_Maybe you’re just not as good at masking and hiding your feelings as you thought you are._

“I’m just looking forward to celebrating with him,” Minhyuk mumbled and continued brooming the shop. They had already closed the shop for today and this year so all they needed to do was to clean up before they could go home to their families. 

“Everything is so exciting in the beginning, don’t you think? There are so many first times you can experience together and I’m sure the younger generation thinks everything after that is just routine or not special anymore. And of course, the feeling is different but you’ll always look at your partner, knowing that there’s no place you’d rather be despite all difficulties. You deserve to experience every part of it.” She smiled before she shushed Minhyuk to the back so they could get ready to leave.

“I wished my mother had been like you,” Minhyuk said when they stood outside the shop and the old lady locked the door. It was already dark outside and fresh snow had fallen over the day, covering the sidewalk and streets in front of the shop, glistening in the light of city lights. 

“Oh, dear.” She turned around to look at him with one of her motherly smiles, pulling Minhyuk into a warm hug. “Families aren’t always bonded by blood, sometimes you find them in places you weren’t even looking for them and I’m glad you’re here and experience so much love and good in life. I don’t want you to doubt even for a second that you’re deserving. We all deserve to feel secure and loved. I know life is confusing but believe me, with the right people by your side, it’s a lot more fun to figure it out.”

  
  
“Thank you,” Minhyuk said, whispering as he embraced the short woman, who felt so warm and smelled like flowers and home, so soothing that he wanted to lie down and close his eyes, knowing she would be there to protect him. He felt similar to Hyungwon, his voice never failed to calm him, as if every word and every touch was made to slow Minhyuk’s world down, making him once again realize how badly he wanted to see him.

  
  
“No need to thank me,” she hummed softly and looked at him. “Now go and see your friends. We’ll see each other next year.” Minhyuk smiled sincerely and they said their goodbyes before he walked down to the bus station to find himself half an hour later in front of Bon-Hwa’s apartment building, which looked like a quite ordinary building for average middle-class workers and their families from the outside. Though, Bon-Hwa was far from ordinary and average. 

He took the elevator to the 9th floor and looked around the hallway to find the right apartment - which wasn’t necessarily challenging considering Hyungwon was standing right there in the door at the end of the hallway, looking fascinatingly handsome, smiling at him. 

“Hello, stranger,” Hyungwon hummed as Minhyuk stepped closer and he couldn’t prevent his lips instantly curling up once he stood in front of his boyfriend, who instantly leaned down to welcome him with a kiss. Feeling Hyungwon’s warm full lips on his own, making him forget about anything else around them, was one of the best feelings Minhyuk had ever experienced. He wasn’t hiding his relationship from anyone and didn’t give a fuck about other people’s toxic opinions on homosexuality. It was something Minhyuk had hoped but never dared to ask before, though with Hyungwon everything just fell in place so effortlessly like it was meant to be this way. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t pick you up.” Hyungwon had one arm wrapped around his waist, tracing his thumb over Minhyuk’s lips and his cheek that was still cold from the low temperatures outside, though Hyungwon’s touch was melting him instantly. 

“Now we’re together. That’s all that matters.” Minhyuk smiled and followed Hyungwon into the warm apartment, leaving his coat and boots at the door. 

  
“Minhyuk! Finally, you’re here.” Bon-Hwa lurked around the corner before stepping over to him, pulling him into her arms, just like Takumi always did, and he didn’t necessarily want to know how it was to get his life squeezed out by both of them. “It’s been too long,” she whined, looking at him with her big brown eyes. “But fuck dude, I’m so happy for you both! I already thought Hyungwon would die as a virgin.” 

_Uhm, what?_

Minhyuk just stared at the young girl in front of him, unsure if he might have misunderstood her, though a searching look to Hyungwon confirmed her words as undeniably true. 

“Bon-Hwa! I swear to god-” Hyungwon growled, rubbing his hands over his face, trying to wipe away the embarrassment and the unpleasant situation she had just put them into with her loose tongue. “Don’t listen to her, Min.”

  
  
“What? You didn’t tell him that he’s your first boyfriend?” The young girl looked at Minhyuk, eyes wide in disbelief, touching with his shoulders with her tiny hands as if to cheer him up while Minhyuk still didn’t know what else to do but to smile a bit overstrained. “Don’t worry, I’m sure when the time comes he will know how to use his dick.” Bon-Hwa excused herself and hurried into the kitchen as Takumi called her for help, leaving Hyungwon and Minhyuk alone in the hallway.

“So, I’m your first?” Minhyuk asked after clearing his throat, slowly reaching out for one of Hyungwon’s hands that wasn’t occupied with brushing his hair back to overcome the awkwardness of the situation. It definitely came by surprise, Minhyuk had always thought someone like Hyungwon must have had a long list of potential candidates and experience but it wasn’t the case. 

_It explains why he’s so hesitant sometimes. It’s not only about you coming out of a toxic relationship._

“I was going to tell you, okay? I know people assume a lot of shit when they look at me, and I made out with a few guys before so I’m pretty sure I’m into guys but it never felt right to go all the way until now that means. I want to do this with you.” His last words were a mere mumble but Minhyuk had heard him loud and clear, which made his heart make a jump inside his chest, and his cheeks blush in a soft red. The way he defended himself almost felt like his decision of being inexperienced demanded further explanations when in fact it changed nothing about the way Minhyuk felt for him. Moreover, he somehow felt relieved as it was giving them both the chance to progress their intimacy more open-minded and without expectations.

“I might have some experiences but they weren’t pleasant or enjoyable, so it’s also the first time intimacy feels right for me and it’s all because of you.” Minhyuk softly rubbed his thumb over Hyungwon’s hand, looking at him so fondly, feeling so overwhelmed that he was able to love this boy and to be loved by him. “You make me feel so safe and you show me every day that I want to be alive and that I want to be with you. It’s just us and something we’ll figure out together as well.” 

Hyungwon hummed softly, placed his hand in Minhyuk’s nape, stroking the sensitive skin with his slender fingers, and pulling him into a tender and almost innocent kiss, which unfortunately ended all too soon with Bon-Hwa’s extroverted presence summoning them into the living room. Right that moment, Hyungwon looked like he questioned his decision to become friends with her in the first place, forsaken his limited ability to roll his eyes even further. And yet, they both obeyed, stepping into the living room, with the coffee table filled with all kinds of food common for a New Year’s Eve party. Additionally, there was beer, soju, and Hyungwon’s favorite snacks placed on the side, all of them knowing way too well about the black-haired boy often ditching the actual meal way too soon to eat snacks. It was still a mystery to Minhyuk how someone could survive with those kinds of eating habits and keep a body so lean and thin. 

Minhyuk accepted Takumi’s inevitable squeezing hug before they sat down around the table and caught up over dinner. They hadn’t seen each other since the concert, and Minhyuk learned that Bon-Hwa had a lot to talk about, which he didn’t mind considering that she was exceptionally smart and her arguments reasonable. Judged by her appearance, she didn’t necessarily look like someone who was interested in literature and languages but it made perfect sense in the way she deliberately used words to write lyrics for her band. Minhyuk was surprised how much he learned from all of them every day despite being out of the educational competition to achieve the best grades possible. It wasn’t indeed everything and Hyungwon had been right, everything Minhyuk had learned during the last two months couldn’t have been found in a textbook and it might not be graded but it wasn’t less valuable. In fact, it was the most valuable thing he had ever experienced.

_Life is finally happening for you and it’s beyond your dreams._

Killing the rest of the time until midnight, they decided to watch a movie, which was a welcoming excuse for Hyungwon to fill his stomach with snacks in a more acceptable situation - not that any one of them tried to stop him anyway. Bon-Hwa and Takumi had most likely given up on that a long time ago and Minhyuk joined them after only two months since there was absolutely no point. 

Hyungwon accompanied Takumi for a smoke on the balcony, half an hour before they were going to watch the fireworks, wrapped in his coat and scarf, Minhyuk could see him from his seat on the sofa he was currently sitting on with Bon-Hwa.

  
  
“I’m sorry I spilled the beans earlier since you obviously hadn’t talked about it yet.” He took a sip from his beer and looked over to the girl inspecting the ends of her hair while talking. “I’m just so happy for him, you know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him so happy and the first time he’s so head over heels for someone.”

Minhyuk widened his eyes, clearly surprised by her words. Sure, he would have assumed that she was happy for them since it was rather obvious but not that Hyungwon looked happier than before. “Was he different before he met me? He’s not really talking about the time his parents were still alive but it feels like there’s so much more underneath the surface.” Again he looked over through the big living room window, where Hyungwon punched against Takumi’s chest, laughing about something he said. 

“Yeah, he’s pretty good keeping his own issues private. I mean he was never the extroverted type, but smart and artistic and popular due to his looks and playing soccer in school. He trusted me enough to come out as soon as he realized that he didn’t have any interest in girls and it was never a problem, why would it be anyway? Love is love, right? However, when he lost his parents last year he became quiet, pushing everyone away including myself and there was no point in arguing with him staying in school. But he couldn’t get rid of me because when I care, I stick and I could see right through his wall of fear and anger. He’s changed so much as if he had to grow up from one day to another and he’s selling everyone this cool guy in a leather jacket but he’s not letting anyone in at least until he met you.” She said with a smile, looking at Minhyuk while emptying the cup of soju in front of her. “He acted pretty confusedly when he told me that he likes you and the timing wasn’t right since you’re also struggling and are practically roommates. But when I met you and saw you two interacting, I could see that you’re good for each other. You can make each other better, you already do.” 

_He was concerned about the same things as you and you’re both scared._

Before he could follow his thoughts any further Takumi stuck his head through the door to call them outside, so they wouldn’t miss out on the fireworks and the beginning of the New Year starting in just a few minutes. They got up from the sofa and dressed in the hallway, wrapped in their coats and thick scarfs. “Thank you for telling me.”

  
  
“You’re welcome. Let’s go,” she said, taking his hand, pulling him out on the balcony. 

“Hey,” Hyungwon said, wrapping one arm around Minhyuk, softly kissing his forehead once they were outside. It was once again a moment that made his heart race while he felt indescribably calm being by Hyungwon’s side, so he buried his nose in Hyungwon’s scarf for a brief moment, enjoying his warmth in contrast to the cold December air. Then they all counted down from ten together before an ocean of bright and vivid colors burst through the velvety night sky, blooming amongst the stars. The fireworks drew various shapes in different colors, each unique and breathtaking, similar but never the same.

  
  
“Happy New Year!” Bon-Hwa was the first one yelling it into the night, raising the bottle of beer Takumi had brought with him earlier. Hyungwon looked around and found his own bottle to toast with her, passing it to Minhyuk so he could do the same before they all embraced.

  
  
“You being loud and annoying is something that’ll never change,” Hyungwon huffed, still holding Minhyuk close by his side, making him aware how much he loved witnessing them bickering, laughing with them, and just enjoying the moment without thinking about anything else.

  
  
_They’re your family._

It was his first time spending New Year’s Eve like this and he remembered the words of the old lady, that family wasn’t necessarily bonded by blond - and how right she was.

  
  
“I love you,” Minhyuk whispered right into Hyungwon’s ear, and it might have come out of the blue for him but Minhyuk wanted to place more trust into his own feelings and he was sure that he loved Hyungwon and that he wanted to spend this new year building a solid fundament for their relationship. They both deserved this.

  
  
_Since when are you so brave?_

  
  
Hyungwon looked at him incredulously as if to make sure he hadn’t misunderstood or was hallucinating from the soju and beer he consumed and the longer he kept Minhyuk waiting the tenser his body felt, just like a few weeks ago when he had confessed to him. He had absolutely no idea what got into him, but the right words seemed to find him much easier when he was with Hyungwon.

  
  
“I love you too,” he said eventually, cupping Minhyuk’s cold cheeks with his big hands, and happiness, written all over his face including one of the most beautiful smiles Minhyuk had ever seen on his lips before said lips melted into his own. There was a sigh of relief, and then there was nothing else. Nothing but their lips moving against each other tenderly but hot, like a flame, was formed right between them, warming them up and making them forget about their surroundings. The presence of their friends faded as well as the noise of the fireworks, its colorful lights coloring their faces in luminous shades yet nothing of it seemed to matter when Minhyuk opened his mouth to allow their kiss to deepen even more.

He had never lost himself in front of other people before, but then again, he had never felt so safe and wanted by anyone before, knowing that their friends wouldn’t judge them for almost making out on their balcony. But the truth was, the more they kissed and the more he tasted Hyungwon’s intoxicating lips, the more desperate he became, and wanted to be close to him, feeling his naked skin on his own instead of the woolen fabric of his coat clenched between his fingers. Hyungwon sucking on his lower lip resulted in a low moan, thankfully swallowed by the cracking of the fireworks in the distance. And Minhyuk didn’t know if the beer was kicking in or if it was the combination of the alcohol and Hyungwon’s kisses but he felt drunk from the tension building up between them.

  
  
_It gets more intense every time. You just can’t help it._

  
  
“Get a room,” Bon-Hwa said amused, lightning up her cigarette routinely with a lighter. She didn’t seem annoyed as rather happy Hyungwon had found someone who made him forget about anything else - even the fireworks and his friends standing right next to them. And usually, it was Hyungwon saying the exact same words to Takumi and Bon-Hwa when they had a moment.

  
  
_That’s exactly what you want._

_  
_ _  
_ The timing wasn’t the best so Minhyuk busied himself with the beer bottle in his hand, whilst still standing close to Hyungwon, watching the fireworks in the sky. The cold breeze tingling on his face was barely able to calm the heat burning inside his stomach down yet he tried his best to act as natural as possible until they stepped back inside. Partly because their limbs felt like they were about to freeze and fall off and partly because the night sky spectacle died down slowly with the ongoing hour into the new year. 

After slipping out of their coats, they helped wrap up the leftovers but Bon-Hwa was eager to send them off to bed, probably sensing that there was something else on their mind, even though Minhyuk welcomed the distraction. Not that he wouldn’t want to be alone with his boyfriend, cuddling in bed and being held in a tight embrace, quite the opposite. Albeit his body seemed to react even more sensitive to him than usual, and how appropriate was it to lose his mind visiting their friends’ place? 

_Focus, Minhyuk._

Hyungwon walked around like he owned the place, assumingly he was quite a regular visitor, so Minhyuk followed him into the guest room and got ready for bed, brushing his teeth and slipping into the clothes Hyungwon had brought with for the night. It felt like he had the tension inside his body under control after splashing cold water into his face repeatedly, and Hyungwon also acted all-natural and unbothered around him as they laid down and switched off the lights.   
  


  
The sound of crackling fireworks sporadically ringed out in the distance, and the sound of plates and glasses being handled in the kitchen with Bon-Hwa’s and Takumi’s muffled noises could be heard through the door. There was also Hyungwon’s breathing, which didn’t sound as calm and soothing as it usually did, more tense and heavy, with his hand restlessly wandering over his back, keeping Minhyuk’s mind wide awake as well. His right hand slowly traced over Hyungwon’s arm to his chest, up into his hair, making him realize only now that it was shaking in anticipation. 

_Fuck, you want him so much._

“Kiss me,” he whispered, almost begging as his desperation seeped through unable to keep it in check anymore, tilting his head as he felt Hyungwon bridging the distance between them wordlessly to connect those plump lips with his own. 

Minhyuk gasped in surprise against Hyungwon’s hot mouth, hadn’t he anticipated the strong physical reaction, though the desperation was sheer overwhelming and he felt Hyungwon pulling him closer, longing for proximity, filled with want ready to be unleashed. 

  
Hyungwon kissed him slowly but deep and passionate, and it didn’t fail to build up the tension between them even more, especially as Minhyuk felt one of Hyungwon’s long legs between his own without applying any pressure but increasing their closeness even more. It created a warm and tingling sensation inside his stomach, and he only wrapped his leg further around Hyungwon’s hip, rolling on his back with the younger boy on top of him. 

“Can I take it off?” Hyungwon’s voice sounded raspy, his long fingers tucking on his shirt, and Minhyuk lost no time to help him get rid of it, letting Hyungwon’s own shirt follow in a matter of seconds before he pulled him into another more heated kiss. He could never get enough of the sensation of Hyungwon’s heated skin against his own, making him feel like he was set on fire with every motion and every touch. 

Minhyuk’s hands roamed over the smooth skin on Hyungwon’s back, feeling every unevenness from the scars on his back, a reminder of the car accident he had survived.  
  


  
_But it makes him so beautiful._

The cover of the dark made them braver, more desperate than ever before, and Minhyuk only encouraged Hyungwon to press his hips down on him, moving against him, feeling how much he affected him. Hyungwon’s fingers ran over his chest, playing with his dark nipples, with his lips kissing over Minhyuk’s jawline, over his neck and down to his chest to carefully suck his left nub between his plump lips, letting his burning hot tongue lick over it. 

“Touch me, touch me more.” Minhyuk hadn’t been aware how much he needed and wanted this, and how much stronger the longing for Hyungwon’s touch was compared to the fear that it might crush him the same way as it did being with Dongwoo. He felt as if he was starving for Hyungwon’s touches, wanting to feel those hands and lips all over his body as much as humanly possible. 

He felt Hyungwon’s hand moving further down between their bodies, so close to the waistband of his sweatpants, sending a new hot wave of desperation down his spine right into his groin. Skillful fingers rubbed over his hip bone, discovering another sensitive spot on Minhyuk’s body, which made him gasp in surprise, looking down only to make out Hyungwon’s silhouette in the dark before he closed his eyes, allowing himself to only feel those warm hands and hot kisses on his skin. 

“Can I touch you there?” Hyungwon whispered against his stomach, placing soft kisses around his navel, even though he wasn’t any less turned on by Minhyuk’s sweet noises than Minhyuk from being treated like a treasure in his hands. 

“Please,” he said in a shaky voice, exhaling sharply, feeling Hyungwon’s lips once again on his own and his right hand slowly slipping under his pants and underwear, carefully closing his fingers around Minhyuk’s hard dick to stroke him. 

_Oh fuck._

A breathless moan was swallowed between their lips and Minhyuk’s mind felt like someone had emptied a whole bucket of white paint over it, leaving him overwhelmed by how good it felt being touched with care and desire. Hyungwon’s hand seemed a bit shaky, showing that he wasn’t less nervous than Minhyuk, having his own concerns about doing the right thing and not wanting to hurt him with his actions, possibly bringing back bad memories. Though, there was only bliss written all over his face, as if being close to Hyungwon was the only thing that mattered.

“It’s so good. I want to touch you too,” he gasped against Hyungwon’s hot lips, pressing his body against him so they laid entangled side by side. Hyungwon only hummed in agreement, his lips attacking Minhyuk’s neck again, letting out a breathless moan when his hand rubbed over the outline of Hyungwon’s dick in his pants, feeling how hard he was only because of him. Without wasting any more time, he pulled Hyungwon’s pants down a bit, so his dick could jump free, laying firmly against the younger boy’s stomach. Now it was almost a shame that they could barely see each other’s bodies in the dark but so much more intense to just explore and feel what was under their fingertips. 

Slowly he slid his fingers over Hyungwon’s hard dick, feeling its veins, and the firm tip already leaking precum and the way it twitched when he gave it a few strokes, rubbing his thumb over his tip in circular motions. He would have never thought that touching someone like this and being touched in return would fuel his arousal through the roof, making him forget that they were still guests in Bon-Hwa’s home.

  
  
Words were unable to describe the burning passion between them, the pleasure dragging them away so effortlessly, with their kisses growing messier, wetter and moans sounding more desperate with every passing minute. Hyungwon had pulled his pants down as well, making them able to feel their dicks against each other, synching the pace of their hands, variating the pressure, with their movements becoming faster the closer their orgasms came. 

The wave of utter bliss that rolled over Minhyuk made his vision blurry and his toes curl, his body shaking uncontrollably as his hot semen spilled all over Hyungwon’s hand and his stomach. Hyungwon followed him only seconds away, his deep vibrant moan sending shockwaves through his body, making his own orgasm so much more intense than ever before.

  
  
_Is that how it feels like with the right person?_

  
He continued moving his hand for Hyungwon to ride the wave of bliss just a little longer, with the younger boy leaning his forehead against his shoulder, his body shaking when the oversensitivity set in. It was indescribably hot how Hyungwon acted and sounded when he came and Minhyuk couldn’t help but be slightly proud of himself, being able to make him feel that way and giving him the same mind-blowing experience Hyungwon had just given to him.

  
  
“Fuck, that was intense. Happy New Year I guess,” Hyungwon mumbled, making Minhyuk chuckle, and placing a kiss on top of his head.

  
  
It started indeed with a happy end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my sweethearts! How are you feeling in the world of disgusting young love hyunghyuk content? 😂  
> We've already come a long way and there are only two chapters left to finish our journey
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’d rather choose chaos over and over again if it means being with you than spending a peaceful life with someone else.”

They ignored Bon-Hwa’s comments about them looking glowy and satisfied the next morning, even though Minhyuk couldn’t quite grasp it himself, that they had given each other a handjob in the dark last night. But his memory was fresh and Hyungwon’s hand stroking his dick and his moans against his lips were way too vividly playing on repeat inside his head. 

  
  
The way Minhyuk experienced himself inside his own body was changing and he came to realize that Dongwoo’s and his mother’s perception of him couldn’t be taken as a general statement. He was surprised how strong the wish of being loved and being treated as a human being had become, and how that wish was slowly but steadily replacing the belief of being worthless and unlovable. Although, it was still a foreign feeling to want something, to ask for something, and especially experiencing himself doing so. Whenever he thought about his actions, he couldn’t help but feel impressed because it was so far away from the person he had thought he was. 

_ But who are you then? _

It was funny that one was home in their own body, set up with their own mind and free will, and still couldn’t figure out what it was that defined them. His whole life, Minhyuk had defined himself through shattered dreams and burning fairytales, blindly fighting losing battles without any signs of success. But all this pain, all this darkness had formed and defined his identity. He had learned that love was painful, sex was a shameful act and nothing was given out of generosity, always bound to specific conditions, and that every time he received something out of supposed love, it was held against him later. 

Minhyuk’s mind questioned who he was without all the shame, the conditions, and the pain his soul was feeding on for so long. Every day he felt like a child doing his first steps, exploring the world that seemed so much brighter and bigger than ever before, but also scarier since he was already eighteen years old. There were certain expectations society had on him and he still felt unable to live up to them since he was busy enough figuring out how to heal his wounds, and how to handle his life as a young adult. It also included relearning the way he felt about intimacy.

  
  
Every time Hyungwon touched his skin it was like someone poured gasoline all over him and set him on fire - in a good way. He had never felt like that with Dongwoo, who would have never been satisfied with a handjob, would have said that if he wanted one he could have used his own hand. Moreover, there was this deep connection between Hyungwon and him, he had never experienced with Dongwoo or anyone else before. He had absolutely no idea what happened to him when he was with Hyungwon, but all the shame and concerns seemed to fade away into thin air, and there was simply no way of solving the equation.

_ Why are you trying to explain it anyway? You’re in love. _

If what he felt was real love, unconditional love, Minhyuk didn’t know how to handle it, he felt like he was holding one of the most precious gems inside his hands without knowing what to do with it. Never in his life had it felt like it and he couldn’t prevent from wanting to feel more of it. Those new feelings were scary, foreign and he had absolutely no idea what was okay but the fact was he couldn’t stop thinking about the bliss he felt when Hyungwon touched him. How comfortable he felt taking his clothes off, and how pleasant it was to know that Hyungwon didn’t take advantage of him - not once. 

_ Because he’s not Dongwoo. He’s not a spineless douche bag. _

All those thoughts were running through his head while they laid snuggling on the bed together after they had arrived back home late in the afternoon, spending most of the day with Takumi and Bon-Hwa. Hyungwon laid behind him, reaching into the bag of snacks regularly like a hungry hamster, focused on the movie that was playing on his laptop in front of them when Minhyuk just blurted his question out without thinking about it twice. It was something he did more often since confessing to the black-haired boy. 

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

“What, now?” Hyungwon sounded perplexed, didn’t even take the time to swallow the crumbs inside his mouth before answering him, and Minhyuk felt his cheeks heating up instantly for even asking such an embarrassing question. 

_ But he’s also your friend and he’d never judge you.  _

_   
_ _   
_ “No! No, in general. Oh god, sorry this is so awkward.” Minhyuk buried his face in the pillow, feeling Hyungwon’s arm reaching over to the laptop to pause the movie and chewing his snacks humming.

  
  
“Yeah, I’d love to have sex with you. As I told you I have no experience but I love you and there’s no rush. If it happens it happens, I guess.” Hyungwon placed his chin on Minhyuk’s shoulder, looking down on his covered face while caressing his hand over his forearm on the bed. 

  
  
“What if it feels bad? I don’t want you to remember your first time as a negative experience and get traumatized for life and never try again,” Minhyuk mumbled into the pillow, thankful for Hyungwon’s understanding nature and his warmth, making him feel safe even though the topic wasn’t an easy one to talk about. 

“Did he traumatize you? We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, but I feel like you want to,” Hyungwon said softly, leaving Minhyuk the choice if he wanted to answer or not, though, back then in the club, he had already gotten a taste of how nonconsensual Minhyuk’s relationship with Dongwoo had been. 

Minhyuk inhaled sharply, trying to swallow the lump inside his throat, biting his lower lip nervously, too aware that he had to face the truth that his former relationship had been an abusive one. That it left scars on his soul, he didn’t know could be healed by adding new, positive experiences to it, like the ointment Hyungwon had put on his tattoo to help with the healing process.

_ It’s all you want. You want to heal so badly. _

“I just-” He searched for Hyungwon’s hand and was almost relieved when the younger boy entangled their fingers with each other to show Minhyuk that he was safe, with Hyungwon having his back, and nothing bad was going to happen to him. Slowly he turned his head a bit out of the pillow and looked at their hands placed in front of them on the bed. “It never felt right, and I was never given the time to explore what I like. There were only these thoughts on my mind to act as I was supposed to, that I was supposed to like it, to react a certain way even though I didn’t feel it. He never cared, always found a way to make me feel bad about not satisfying his needs enough. And back in the club, when you told me that it should be consensual it just hit so close to home and I know it wasn’t right, and I just didn’t want to see it all this time.” 

The painful memories flashed right through his mind and speaking the words out loud, made his whole body shiver and tears running down his cheeks. Minhyuk remembered the shame he felt and the humiliation of Dongwoo’s harsh words, how alone he felt when he compensated his pain by hurting himself even more because he was unable to leave. Way too long, he had been holding on to Dongwoo’s half-hearted words that he loved him when the truth was that he never did. 

“I’m so sorry, Minhyuk, you didn’t deserve to get treated like this,” Hyungwon whispered, pulling Minhyuk closer into his embrace as if he wanted to shield him from all the pain the world had already caused him. “You do know that you don’t have to pretend with me, right? How do you feel when I touch you?” He felt Hyungwon placing a kiss on his shoulder, and his thumb softly rubbing over the back of his hand.

_ It feels incredible. _

“You just… make me lose my mind completely and I don’t know what to do with it.” Minhyuk sniffed, even laughed a bit helplessly. “When we kiss everything fades away and there’s only you, and when you touch me I only get more desperate for your touch. I don’t know how to function when we’re close and it scares me because I don’t want to use you to heal my wounds and I don’t want to ruin your first time.” Slowly he turned his head a bit to look at Hyungwon’s face, which was full of understanding when he leaned over to kiss the tear off his cheek. 

“Well, your hand around my dick last night felt pretty amazing for a start.” He grinned and Minhyuk felt his head burning up just thinking about Hyungwon’s moans, the way his hot skin had felt on his own, and the hard had dick felt inside his hand, and the moment Hyungwon came, shaking in oversensitivity.

“Oh, God.” Minhyuk just wanted to shovel a deep hole into the ground to bury himself into it, instead, he buried his face into the pillow again. Hyungwon laughing in amusement didn’t help either.

“I also worry, you know,” he softly kissed Minhyuk’s nape before placing his chin on his shoulder again. “I want you to feel good and share pleasure with you, and because of my inexperience, I always hope I’m doing it right especially considering your bad experiences before. I don’t want you to act a certain way because you think you have to. I just want you the way you are and explore what we both like and whatnot, and I really love it when you’re losing yourself in me because it’s the same for me too. I do love you and I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I hate that you always seem to know the right thing to say,” Minhyuk mumbled, slowly turning around in Hyungwon’s embrace to face him, tracing his fingers over the smooth skin of his cheek, and brushing a few strands of hair out of his face, running his fingers through the silky texture of Hyungwon’s hair. “I loved the way you touched me last night and… I’d love to explore more with you...”

_ It’s okay when it’s him. _

“Do you have something in mind you’d like to try?” Hyungwon hummed, licking slowly over his lips, and Minhyuk couldn’t help staring at the glistening cushions in front of him, he felt moments later for a brief kiss on his own. Just a mere brush but already enough to make him long for more, so he wrapped his leg around Hyungwon’s hip and rolled over so the younger boy laid under him, and Minhyuk could sit on his hips comfortably. Minhyuk bit down on his lower lip, still quite unsure if he should state his request but he figured it was safe and Hyungwon would stop as soon as something might feel uncomfortable. 

“I…” he swallowed, tracing his fingers over Hyungwon’s chest, the younger boy’s big hands safely placed on his hips, his eyes not less filled with curiosity and want. “I want to take your clothes off.” Minhyuk leaned down to kiss Hyungwon’s lips tenderly, having the younger boy humming in agreement. 

  
  
“What else?” Hyungwon whispered against his lips, his hands slipping under Minhyuk’s pullover to feel the warm skin under his fingers, resulting in an excited gasp.

“I want to kiss down your body,” They kissed again, more deeply this time, and with Hyungwon’s tongue licking and teasing his own, Minhyuk pressed his hips further down in desperation, even moving them a little to feel Hyungwon’s reaction. “I want to take you in my mouth and taste you on my tongue until you come down my throat.” 

_ Did you really just say that? _

“Fuck,” Hyungwon hissed, his body clearly reacting to Minhyuk’s words and the friction of their groins rubbing against each other. They both looked down between their bodies and the prominent bulge in Hyungwon’s pants. “Take that as a hell yes,” he said, tilting his head a little to kiss Minhyuk’s lips feverishly as if his life was depending on it. 

  
  
Minhyuk would have never thought he could speak those words out loud in front of someone, in front of Hyungwon, however, the younger boy made it so easy for him to connect and to be open about his wants and needs that he wasn’t even thinking about it anymore. Besides, Hyungwon was clearly interested in exploring the physical component of their relationship further, and the way it was progressing allowed them both to explore and wasn’t a one-sided arrangement like Minhyuk’s relationship with Dongwoo. It was true that Dongwoo hadn’t cared much about boundaries and Minhyuk would have thought his reaction would be more timid and reserved but when he looked at Hyungwon and was close to him he just couldn’t help it. He wanted to feel him, taste him, find out what he liked and how he reacted to him. 

There was no turning back at this point, the arousal only increasing between them with each passing second and kiss they shared. Breathless and almost a little impatient, Minhyuk pulled his pullover over his head, doing the same with the younger boy’s hoodie once he sat up, only to taste his intoxicating lips again. He moaned in surprise when Hyungwon increased the friction by pressing Minhyuk’s hips down on him, making him feel how desperate he was to feel all of him. “Fuck, I’m so hard already. You’re making me lose my mind,” Hyungwon murmured against Minhyuk’s jaw, sinking his teeth into his neck carefully only to trace his hot tongue over his skin like an apology.

  
  
“Let me help you with that.” Minhyuk’s voice was shaky and he couldn’t help but feel a little bit nervous when he traced his fingers down over Hyungwon’s bare chest and his flat stomach to open his jeans. He slowly opened the button, sliding down the zipper, forcing the nervousness away by starting to kiss Hyungwon’s neck and down his chest, tasting his warm golden skin under his tongue. The way the black-haired boy’s breath grew heavier just because of him, encouraged him to close his lips around his left nub, already so hard and sensitive to his touch.

He heard Hyungwon moan his name, his long fingers buried inside his hair, without forcing him to do anything Minhyuk didn’t want, helping him to loosen up, even more, kissing further down over his stomach. Sliding down from Hyungwon’s long legs, Minhyuk pulled his jeans and shorts with him, leaving Hyungwon sitting completely nude in front of him on the bed. It was one thing doing it under the blanket of the night and another thing to have the lights on and actually see Hyungwon’s naked, his eyes filled with desire and his body including his exceptionally hard erection right in front of his eyes.

_ Well, fuck. He looks gorgeous.  _

There was not enough willpower in this world that could have prevented the new wave of arousal pooling right between his legs, turning his own pants into a clear hostile environment. Biting down on his lower lip, he thought about undressing as well for only a brief second before he just slipped out of the rest of his clothing to throw them next to the bed, allowing Hyungwon to see him completely vulnerable. 

Hyungwon didn’t do anything, wasn’t overwhelming him, grabbing him to fuck him instantly on the spot but only looked at his body in adoration, eyes full of love and compassion as he reached his right hand out to him. “You look so beautiful. I can barely keep my hands to myself.”

  
  
_ That’s what you think about him as well. _

Minhyuk traced his fingers over Hyungwon’s hand, over his forearm and up to his shoulder, kneeling between his spread legs, kissing his soft plump lips once again. “You make me feel so much,” he whispered against the younger boy’s mouth, slowly reaching his right hand down between them to wrap his fingers around Hyungwon’s erection, applying pressure, and giving him a few slow strokes. He loved the way Hyungwon’s dick felt in his hand, his size, and the way it looked, only increasing the urge to go down on him and close his lips around him.

A soft blush colored Hyungwon’s cheeks, while low and deep moans left his lips, his eyes focused on Minhyuk’s hand as his thumb moved in a circular motion over the already wet tip. “Fuck, it feels so good.” 

He was thankful that Hyungwon gave him time, enjoyed the way he touched him, moaning against his lips, kissing him from time to time but was obviously more focused on the amount of pleasure Minhyuk’s hand provided him with. Though, seeing Hyungwon like this only fueled Minhyuk’s own arousal, his dick begging for friction and leaking precum without being touched himself. And he needed more, more of Hyungwon.

The voice of fear of disappointing him became quieter by the minute, and with his newfound confidence Minhyuk traced his path of kisses down Hyungwon’s long slim body. He wasn’t as muscular as Dongwoo was, skinnier with way less muscle mass but he didn’t care, he just loved the texture of his warm skin under his lips, his intoxicating scent, and the soft noises leaving his mouth. His fingers applied more pressure on Hyungwon’s dick, indicating the urgency in his movements. 

  
  
The way Hyungwon’s muscles contracted under him was like a symphony he conducted with his hands, adding the last drop of courage to Minhyuk’s desperation as he leaned in to lick from the base of Hyungwon’s dick up to the tip. He felt Hyungwon’s hand in his hair as he released an involuntarily loud gasp, his body shaking under his touch, breathing heavily with hungry eyes hanging on Minhyuk, absorbing every move he did. 

“Do you like this?” Minhyuk asked, his hot breath tingling on Hyungwon’s lower abdomen as he looked up to the younger boy, rubbing his index finger around the sensitive tip, closing his lips around it shortly after, sucking on it on trial to see how Hyungwon reacted to it. 

“It’s so good.” Hyungwon’s voice sounded raspy, dry and it was enough confirmation to keep Minhyuk going, closing his lips around the hot pulsing length, taking him into his mouth, stimulating him with his tongue as if he was the most delicious popsicle he’s ever had. Minhyuk was surprised how much he loved the feeling of Hyungwon’s erection inside his mouth, still stroking the base with his hand as he started to suck on it. Long fingers were buried deeper in his hair without pressing him down even though the black-haired boy seemed to have a really hard time controlling himself, was drowning in pleasure, and the electrifying sensation of Minhyuk’s hot mouth around his dick. 

Minhyuk would have never thought he could enjoy it that much to give head to someone but he was unable to stop himself at this point, addicted by Hyungwon’s voice and the way his muscles contracted under him. Driven by the precum he tasted whenever he circled his tongue around his slit and the twitching that sent molten lava right to his groin. With his moans muffled and only a low vibration around Hyungwon’s dick as Minhyuk started to touch himself with his free hand, way too turned on to be embarrassed at this point and unable to ignore his need for friction. 

It seemed like his actions only added gasoline to the fire burning between Hyungwon’s legs, who spread them wider, and Minhyuk could feel he was close, which made him only press his tongue harder against the pulsing flesh. He took him deeper in, giving him no time to even think about what was happening when he came right down his throat with Minhyuk’s name on his lips echoing through the small apartment.

  
  
The younger boy’s body was quivering, thrown off guard by the wave of pleasure rolling over him so unexpectedly. His eyes were closed, and his head was thrown back to fill his lungs with precious oxygen, when Minhyuk slowly released him out of his mouth, placing a soft kiss on the tip. There were simply no words to explain how much he loved it to see Hyungwon in utter bliss, how beautiful he looked, and sounded when he came. Minhyuk’s body felt so hot, longing to attach himself, to be touched and kissed by the handsome boy in front of him, when Hyungwon’s hand on his nape kindly led him back up.

“Holy fuck, that was so hot.” That clearly was an understatement. 

Hyungwon’s eyes were dark, filled with want but also fondness, and Minhyuk felt his sinful lips on his own seconds later, his tongue licking into his mouth, not minding to taste himself on it. Minhyuk hummed into the kiss, closing his arms around the younger boy's neck, feeling his hands on his hips guiding him back onto his lap. 

Dongwoo would have just left him unsatisfied, but Hyungwon traced his big hands over his naked body, over his back and down to his firm buttcheeks and his thighs, leaving Minhyuk melting under his touch. He shivered under his hands and was needily longing for every proximity he could get, moaning hoarsely into Hyungwon’s mouth as he traced the fingertips of his right hand over his painfully hard erection. It was like the mere brush of a feather and even caught Minhyuk off guard how sensitive he reacted to him. 

  
  
_ It feels like you’re burning up. _

“Let me return the favor, hm?” Hyungwon hummed softly, sucking on Minhyuk’s bottom lip and tracing his hot tongue over it. “Do you want me to make you come with my hand?” His fingers drew the shape of his hip bone, down his groin without touching his erection that was practically screaming for him, and Minhyuk learned what a tease his boyfriend could be. 

“Or should I suck you off as well? Tell me.” His lips wandered over Minhyuk’s cheek to his ear, nibbling on his earlobe before kissing that overly sensitive spot behind his ear, making it impossible for him to develop any thought inside his head, that didn’t involve being close to Hyungwon. He had always wanted open communication in his relationship, though right now it turned out to be more than frustrating, and he just wanted to bathe in the bliss of his climax when words were so hard to find.

_ You never wanted it so badly. _

“Just touch me please, Hyungwon.” His blood was boiling inside his veins, rushing inside his ears like ocean waves, as he grabbed Hyungwon’s face to look at him directly. They’d only started to explore their physical intimacy together and Minhyuk was already addicted to the way Hyungwon treated him. The younger boy’s fingers brushed over his left nipple playfully, accompanied by a sharp exhale from Minhyuk’s side.

  
  
“You’re so cute but so hot. Do you know that? It’s impossible not to think about you when I touched myself,” Hyungwon hummed against his lips, finally closing his hand around Minhyuk’s dick, making him almost lose it.

“Oh, yes. Wait, what?” How was he supposed to focus on Hyungwon’s words when his hand literally felt like heaven? Not that he was in any position to be embarrassed or to judge him since he had also been thinking about him, touching himself under the shower too. The pace of Hyungwon’s hand was almost lazy but the pressure was just right and the way his thumb circled over the tip was too good to be true. 

  
  
“How does it feel?” Hyungwon leaned closer again as Minhyuk’s fingers buried themselves into his silky hair, kissing over his shoulder up to the neck, using his teeth gently, and nibbling on patches of his skin. If the black-haired boy was planning to make him lose his mind then it was definitely working.

“So good,” Minhyuk moaned like he was touched for the first time, his voice low and raspy, having major problems to keep his sanity. It still felt like a dream that being touched by someone else could make him feel so good, could make him feel so sensitive and desirable. Though, whenever he opened his eyes or felt Hyungwon’s lips on his own, he was reminded that it was indeed real, and he had finally found a partner who was paying attention to him and his well being. 

  
  
Hyungwon hummed against Minhyuk’s delicate neck, leaving a trail of kisses on his skin, closing his full lips around his left nub, using his teeth gently and sucking on it, leaving Minhyuk unable to respond in any other way than moaning against the crown of Hyungwon’s head. His body felt like it was filled with pleasure, all his senses focused on the parts Hyungwon touched, showing him how much he enjoyed it, how much he loved to be with him, and that there was nothing wrong or unlovable about him. His own hands roamed aimlessly over Hyungwon’s back and his upper arms, and he didn’t even flinch when slender fingers traced over his thigh and over his buttcheek, kneading it while always checking his body language for positive responses. 

Words got stuck inside his throat the closer Hyungwon’s hand stroking him brought him to his unstoppable orgasm, his breath and kisses so hot on his skin, that Minhyuk thought they would stay there forever like an invisible tattoo. As the stars shone brighter, collapsing all over him like the colorful fireworks they’d witnessed the night before, shaking his body with overwhelming bliss, Minhyuk threw his head back, his arms wrapping themselves around Hyungwon’s neck all by themselves as was his body pressing itself closer against Hyungwon to not miss any chance to feel him all over him. 

Minhyuk heard a sound of overwhelmed pleasure echoing through his ears and it took him a while to realize it had come out from his own mouth, his mind too dizzy and filled with fluffy clouds and cotton candy and Hyungwon’s warm hand still stroking his dick to let him ride out his orgasm to the fullest. 

  
  
_ What just happened? _

Hyungwon’s full lips pressed soft kisses on his cheek and the corner of his mouth before covering Minhyuk’s lips in full, his response still a bit hesitant as the feeling for reality slowly came back to him. He felt the warm hand on his back, the closeness of their bodies, his own limbs wrapped tightly around the body in front of him, and the sweet taste of Hyungwon’s lips melting into his own like warm chocolate. 

“You look so beautiful when you come. I love you so much,” Hyungwon hummed, rubbing his round nose against Minhyuk’s, as the latter allowed himself to breathe and filling his lungs with fresh air and his mind with the realization of how good Hyungwon could make him feel and how much care he took of him to make sure they both enjoyed being close and intimate. 

_ He sees you as you are and he’s still here and he loves being with you.  _

“I love you too,” he said, whispering against the plush lips, feeling his cheeks glowing, his hand framing Hyungwon’s handsome face, caressing over his cheeks with his thumbs, unable to grasp how lucky he was to have found such a considered partner, who made him feel so at ease. Minhyuk kissed the delicately curved lips once again before they cleaned up to slip under the covers naked as they were, the laptop with the paused movie long forgotten.  
  


  
Silence fell over them for a little while, welcoming, pleasant silence and hands tenderly caressing over warm skin under the blanket. Welcoming touches for the sake of having a loved one close, feeling them, and appreciating them without any further expectations. Minhyuk hadn’t known that he could feel so good and loved in his own skin, that there weren’t any roles he needed to play to be close to someone else, and that he was just welcome the way he was.

  
  
_ He’s not flawless either, but he allows you to see and touch him. _

_   
_ _   
_ With his eyes closed, his fingers traced over the bumps of scars on Hyungwon’s back, feeling the different shapes under his fingertips. Long ones, short ones, light ones, and deeper more scarred ones that had cut deeper into the layer of flesh, accompanied by sudden waves of goosebumps when he let his fingers wander higher between Hyungwon’s shoulder blades or over his side. Minhyuk found it exciting to feel how sensitive Hyungwon reacted to his touch, though it also made him realize how familiar Hyungwon must have been with the burning feeling of shards piercing his body even if the circumstances were different to his own. 

“You’re the first person touching them.” The black-haired boy sounded calm, though Minhyuk was able to sense by now that there was something more attached to his words, some deeper meaning connected to the accident and the image he tried to show everyone else but him. 

“Is it scary for you to show yourself to me? I know it was scary for me to even take off my shirt for the tattoo,” Minhyuk said quietly, not stopping to caress the scars on Hyungwon’s back, placing a soft kiss right on his collarbone.

“I would have thought it would be unbearable to allow someone in, even if I had feelings for them but for whatever reason, it’s easy with you. You trusted me enough to stay with me, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of me and there was no doubt I wanted to do the same. However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of losing you but every second I’m spending loving you makes me feel so much more alive than ever before.” He heard Hyungwon exhaling roughly, pulling him even closer as if to make sure Minhyuk wasn’t slipping through his arms like a castle of sand he needed to protect from the incoming flood. 

_He’s scared of losing you_ _and you thought this kind of love didn’t exist for you._

_   
_ _   
_ Looking up, Minhyuk searched Hyungwon’s eyes, caressing his upper arm with his hands, slowly up to his neck until it came to rest on his warm cheek. Big, brown eyes were looking back at him, framed by beautiful long black lashes, Minhyuk had observed countless times by now when he had watched Hyungwon’s sleeping face or when he had been drawing him, absorbing every feature into his mind but still never growing tired of it.

“Maybe it all crashes and burns someday, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows? All I know is that I want to be with you here and now, and I trust you. You make me feel loved and alive every day, helping to silence the whispers of fear in my head so easily and I want to do the same for you. I want to be your family, giving you a safe space where you can be who you are and don’t have to pretend.” His thumb tenderly caressed over the mole on Hyungwon’s lower lip, before he leaned closer to softly kiss those soft cushions briefly, satisfied with the low hum he received in response. 

“You  _ are _ my family and I trust you too,” Hyungwon placed a soft kiss on Minhyuk’s nose, rubbing his own against it moments later, his hand softly tracing up his spine, resting between his shoulder blades right over his tattoo. “And you are the most precious rose I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.”

_ You can grow together because you reflect each other and you’ll never be alone because you can always be alone together. _

“I’d rather choose chaos over and over again if it means being with you than spending a peaceful life with someone else.”

  
The stretched out silence was pleasant, like a soft blanket wrapped around them, keeping them warm on cold winter nights. It was the kind of intimacy that came with deep understanding, showing Minhyuk that there was nothing wrong with the way he was as a person. The scars on their bodies didn’t make them broken, it made them stronger, value life even more when it brushed its vibrant colors over them, showing them that life was a gift. 

  
  
A gift that got even better when it was shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our babies experiencing healthy intimacy uwu
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
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>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “As I told you before, it feels best when you’re losing control.” 

The cold January air colored Minhyuk’s cheeks in a healthy red, and he instantly buried his nose deeper into the soft scarf around his neck, thankful for the big hood of his jacket that kept most of the cold wind away from his head. He was on his way to pick Hyungwon up from work, with his backpack filled with a change of clothes, some toiletries, and snacks - plus a surprise inside the pocket of his jacket. Bon-Hwa and Takumi had helped him to organize everything and Minhyuk was lucky enough that the old lady was his boss and highly supportive when he had asked her for two days off. 

It was Hyungwon’s birthday and according to Bon-Hwa, Hyungwon had always loved celebrating this special day with his family and friends but vehemently refused to celebrate it the previous year after his parents’ death - which was quite understandable but also unfortunate.

Minhyuk remembered his birthday and how Hyungwon had changed everything for him, how his life had made a huge turn for the better after that, only because he had let go of the piercing pain of his past, he had been holding in his heart for far too long. He remembered the piece of cake and the pink candle Hyungwon had lightened up for him and the wish he had made.

  
  
_You wanted to be the person he sees in you._

He wasn’t quite there yet but way closer than a few months ago, and he wanted to do something special for Hyungwon to make his walls crumble a little more, allowing himself to enjoy life in all its facets without permanently looking over his shoulder. Minhyuk knew his boyfriend wanted to live and wanted to be with him. However, he was also aware that Hyungwon was often restrained, internally blocked by his fear of life ripping the ones he loved the most out of his arms. It might not have been obvious for other people only seeing the cool facade Hyungwon showed to them, though, they also didn’t know what was slumbering underneath the surface. 

_But you do. You can see right through him and it scares him because he’s not used to letting go anymore._

Hyungwon was his rock, the soothing voice guiding him through the dark forest of the unknown but he was also a vulnerable teenage boy, who had lost the security of home and the warmth of his loving parents. He wasn’t invincible even though it appeared that way, and Minhyuk’s presence in his life reminded him of the part of himself that sometimes just wanted to crash in his arms and mourn his losses. But not today. Today, there was no need to crash for either of them, and for the first time, Minhyuk felt immensely confident about making a difference in Hyungwon’s life.

Looking through the big windows of the coffee shop, he saw Hyungwon patiently and explaining the coffee machine to a new recruit, giving out the orders to three young girls in school uniforms. Originally, Minhyuk had planned to spend the whole day with his boyfriend, making him breakfast, celebrating with their friends, but he had to cover the early shift for one of his colleagues who was on sick leave. Nevertheless, Minhyuk and Bon-Hwa were able to arrange a surprise for their beloved birthday boy, and Minhyuk couldn’t wait to see Hyungwon’s face once he revealed that they were going on a trip.

Minhyuk had mostly traveled to his ex in the past and had only started to explore more of his surroundings since he was with Hyungwon. Which was why he was slightly proud of himself, that he was able to spend his own money, enabling them to get away from their everyday routine like they had done when visiting Nami Island. 

_You both deserve to make the best memories together._

Through the window, he locked eyes with Hyungwon, waving his gloved hand, waiting outside in excitement for the younger boy to get ready, and joining him wrapped up in a black coat and red scarf moments later. 

“Hey,” Hyungwon smiled, and Minhyuk welcomed his soft lips, warming up his own. “I hope you haven’t waited for too long.”

Minhyuk only shook his head, smiling brightly like an idiot from one ear to another, which resulted in Hyungwon asking what the cause for his happiness was. He reached inside the pocket of his jacket to proudly present two train tickets, which would bring them to Seoul, where they would spend Hyungwon’s special day. “Happy Birthday!”

  
  
Hyungwon looked taken aback, hadn’t been expecting something like that, taking the tickets, studying the destination, and the meaning behind it. “We’re going to Seoul? Now? Holy shit, Min, thank you so much!” 

Minhyuk laughed, satisfied that his boyfriend was looking forward to going on a trip with him, feeling the long arms pulling him closer and his warm lips covering his own once more.

  
  
“You deserve this.” Minhyuk rubbed his nose softly against Hyungwon’s, his hands covering his still warm cheeks, unbothered by the people inside the coffee shop looking at them through the window. All Minhyuk could think of was being with his special person, making him smile, just enjoying the moment and the fact that they were together. Giggling like two school kids, they took the next bus to the train station, switching into the train that would bring them to Seoul, where they arrived after a little over an hour.

So far, Minhyuk had been to Seoul only once for a concert, though there hadn’t been much time to see anything from the city itself but now with Hyungwon, he would enjoy every second of this adventure. After their arrival they walked aimlessly through the streets, getting lost in the crowd, and the lights of the city coming from the countless shops and billboards. Everything seemed bigger, brighter, offering endless possibilities that it was sheer overwhelming, measuring dimensions between Minhyuk’s old life and his future one. It gave him the feeling that he was moving forward, was allowed to see clearly, experience more, and feel more of the person he was, sharing all those new impressions with the one he loved the most by his side. 

_Only the sky's the limit._

They made their first stop at a small restaurant serving seafood, perfect to warm them up after walking through the cold winter air and filling their stomachs to explore even more. Bon-Hwa had given Minhyuk some tips on what they could do in Seoul and arranged a place where they could stay the night. As he looked at Hyungwon across the table, studying the menu, it once again hit him how lucky he was to be with this him, enriching his life every single day.

“What are you looking at?” Hyungwon asked, looking back at him with a warm smile.

“Just you.” Minhyuk shook his head, slightly rubbing his neck, and a low hum mixing up with his voice, emphasizing how much he liked to be here with him. “You look so happy and at ease, and I love seeing you like this.” 

“It’s because you make me. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to celebrate today and it probably would have been okay to just come home and be with you and our friends. So, I can’t believe you did all this for me.” 

They put their conversation on hold as a young waiter stepped over to their table to note down their orders, taking their menus with him as he left for the kitchen. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to celebrate. You can think of it as a date.” Minhyuk took a sip from his water glass, looking over to Hyungwon, sighing and leaning on his forearms on the table.

  
  
“Sorry, I don’t think my boyfriend would like it if I dated other men.”

For a moment, Minhyuk just stared at him speechlessly, fighting the urge to wrestle him down for being such a smooth idiot. He bit down his lower lip, leaving out a rough exhale, rubbing his fingers over his forehead. “I think, in this case, he’ll allow it. Jerk.” Minhyuk shook his head with a smile, seeing Hyungwon’s wide satisfied grin, happy that his boyfriend enjoyed this day with him and wasn’t closing himself off, especially since he knew that he had refused to acknowledge his special day the previous year. 

_But you’re happy that he’s alive and that you’re alive, having the ability to make him smile like this._

Over their meal, they talked occasionally about Hyungwon’s day at work, and how it was going with the new employee, while Minhyuk told his boyfriend how Bon-Hwa and Takumi had helped him with the planning for today. Even if they hadn’t met, Minhyuk was sure that Hyungwon’s friends would have kindly forced their love and affection onto him, showing him that he was valuable, and an important part of their lives. However, now Minhyuk was part of Hyungwon’s happiness too, warming up his heart on this cold winter day.

His gratitude for their friends lasted precisely until the moment, their plates were empty and Minhyuk opened his backpack to grab his wallet to pay. The first thing that greeted him, however, wasn’t his wallet but a bottle of lube and a package of condoms with a post-it note attached.

  
  
_Oh my god._

Minhyuk felt like his head was going to explode, his heart beating way too loud inside his ears, while his mind got clouded with the meaning those objects inside his backpack had. Of course, he had thought about it, especially since they started to explore their physical intimacy, and going all the way, being close and feeling his boyfriend inside of him, making love to him, would have probably been the most honest and valuable gift he could have given to Hyungwon. Nevertheless, he would not force it onto him only because it was his birthday and the longer he stared on the post-it note between his fingers, the more suspicious he appeared.

“Hey, is something the matter?” Hyungwon asked, sounding a bit concerned. “What’cha got there?” 

“Nothing!” Minhyuk blurted out way too sudden and loud, feeling the eyes of the other guests inside the restaurant on him, clearing his throat as he gave Hyungwon the note. He discreetly pulled out his wallet underneath the condoms and closed his backpack almost in a hurry to keep Bon-Hwa’s presents a secret. 

“Have a good time and lots of fun. Kisses, Bon-Hwa,” Hyungwon read the words out loud, inspecting the huge red imprint of her lips, which screamed of her consuming personality. “Did her message catch you off guard that much?” he asked, amused.

“Nah, I just thought I misplaced my wallet,” Minhyuk laughed and tried to shrug it off, leaving the restaurant with Hyungwon after paying for their meal, thankful his boyfriend wasn’t digging deeper into his weird behavior.

Their next stop was an outdoor ice skating park near the Han River, needless to say, that both of them had no idea how to skate and either clung to each other for their dear lives or wobbly tried to coordinate their movements on the ice. It was quite a challenge, especially for Hyungwon, who seemed to have lost every power over his long shaking limbs, doing his best not to greet the ice face forward and simply move only a few centimeters at a time. Minhyuk couldn’t help but find it incredibly adorable, reaching out for Hyungwon’s hands when we had managed to skate more securely over the ice himself. 

“I got you.” Minhyuk smiled at the younger boy, skating slowly backward, holding both of Hyungwon’s hands to pull him forward, which worked surprisingly well. He knew that the younger boy trusted him, but right at this moment, Minhyuk experienced it so clearly, holding Hyungwon’s hands the way he had held his own so many times before. In times when his body was shaking in terror, helplessness, and fear. In times when he thought he was falling deeper and deeper, was never feeling solid ground beneath his feet ever again. 

For sure, it seemed like an insignificant moment they shared, simply giving the impression of two close friends enjoying their free time at an ice skating park, but they both knew it was so much more. Holding each other’s hands, having each other’s back in such a natural way, as if it was meant to be as if there had never been any other way as if time wasn’t a label needed to describe the depth of their relationship. 

_You haven’t found him because you were lonely and desperate, but because your hearts are truly connected._

Seeing Hyungwon so carefree, detached from worries, and filled with an abundance of joy, made Minhyuk’s heart swell, showing him how good it could feel to give and share a moment, no matter how small and insignificant, with the right person to the fullest. Minhyuk made a difference in this boy’s life. They both did, and Minhyuk thought that looking at Hyungwon’s smile every day was reason enough to keep on going, not missing any precious opportunity to share his life with him.

With shaking legs and red noses from the cold, they checked in at their hostel, the private room was almost completely occupied with the double bed in front of the window, greeting them the moment they stepped in. There were a small TV and the air conditioner attached to one of the walls next to the bed. Right next to the door on the left was a small kitchen with a big refrigerator, even including a washing machine, leaving only a small path leading to the bed. Another door between the kitchen and the bed led into the small bathroom. Sure, it didn’t look like much, but they were together and that was everything they needed. 

“Almost like home,” Hyungwon joked, kicking the shoes off his feet, putting his coat and scarf on one of the hooks on the door. “I need to take a shower now. My feet are freezing.” He looked relieved to be inside again, with the prospect to slip into comfortable sweatpants and a hoodie soon after the shower. While many people would kill to have a body like Hyungwon’s, he preferred clothes that were at least two numbers too big for him, almost swallowing him. And of course, Minhyuk enjoyed it when Hyungwon was wearing tight jeans, framing his beautiful long legs but he knew his boyfriend felt the most comfortable in baggy clothes, so he didn’t mind. “Did you bring fresh clothes?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Minhyuk sat on the bed and couldn’t help but chuckle, watching Hyungwon exploring the bathroom, looking through the small bottles of shampoo and shower gel, sniffing on them before locating the whereabouts of the towels. Minhyuk watched his boyfriend undress unbothered, biting down his lower lip the more golden skin was revealed right in front of his eyes. It was hard not to stare, and he wondered if Hyungwon hadn’t closed the door on purpose until the moment he stepped into the shower. Once the door was closed, Minhyuk felt disappointed, his eyes shooting a glance over to his backpack, containing their change of clothes but also a package of condoms and lube.

  
  
Minhyuk closed his eyes and took a deep breath, biting his lower lip as he wrapped his head around the meaning of Bon-Hwa’s little present and the fact that his smoking hot boyfriend was naked and wet right next door. 

_Well, fuck._

Thinking about Hyungwon’s naked body only made his own body react, made him crave to be close to him, help him warm-up, and if he was being honest, he was freezing too. Opening his eyes, Minhyuk didn’t lose much time, turning on the heating with the remote before taking his clothes off. He knew, if he thought about it for too long, he would chicken out and so he slipped out of his clothes and naked into the bathroom, which was already filled with hot steam from the shower. 

With a little hesitation, he opened the door to the shower, meeting Hyungwon’s surprised gaze, his long black hair brushed back showing his prominent forehead, Minhyuk loved so much. “May I join you?” 

“Sure,” the younger boy said, humming, reaching out for Minhyuk’s hand to pull him in. So far, they had never taken a shower together. It still made Minhyuk’s heart beating nervously inside his chest being naked in front of his boyfriend, despite having shared physical intimacy with him quite a few times. Somehow, it felt different to just show himself so openly in front of another person, showing his naked body without fearing to be sexualized or being overwhelmed by someone else’s arousal.  
  


  
_But it feels so good with him._

_  
__  
_He felt long arms embracing his cold body, pulling him flush against the warm golden skin, and hot lips placing a kiss on his forehead. Minhyuk didn’t know what magical spell Hyungwon put on him every time they were together, but he couldn’t help but feel safe in his arms, rubbing his nose against the long neck in front of him, while tracing his fingertips over the wet skin on his back.

  
  
“You make such a huge difference,” Minhyuk mumbled against Hyungwon’s neck, closing his eyes for a moment, focusing his senses only on the warmth covering up his body, the sound of the water running down the drain, the feeling of Hyungwon’s naked skin against his own, warming him up as nothing else could.

  
  
“Everything makes so much more sense with you by my side. Thank you for the wonderful day, Min.” Hyungwon’s voice was deep and thick like honey, Minhyuk could almost taste it on his lips, lifting his head to look at the taller boy, looking back at him so calm and at ease, that it didn’t need any more words. Without hesitation they both leaned in to share a slow and tender kiss, with the warm water embracing them like a bubble, allowing them to float effortlessly through the sky. 

Long fingers traced over warm, wet skin, soft lips telling sweet stories of affection, fitting so well together, tasting too good to be true, too good to stop. It was one of those moments that seemed to last forever, having no end, no sense of time, and only existed for the sake of experiencing it in all its magnificence, without any ulterior motive and just for the sake of being close.

  
  
The flowery scent of the shower gel filled the warm heavy air in the cramped bathroom when eager hands traced the lines of lean bodies like drawing light lines on a blank piece of paper. Minhyuk couldn’t believe how easily they created such strong intimacy, their souls connecting instantly at the end of the day, leaving the chaos raging in front of the door.

  
  
“I thought it would be harder to show my body to you,” Minhyuk admitted, his fingers rubbing the shower gel over Hyungwon’s chest, up over his broad shoulders and down his long arms. “But you make everything seem so easy.”

“You still wonder if it’s right that it’s so easy,” Hyungwon hummed against his neck, placing soft kisses on it, down to his collarbones, softly sucking on his skin, while the fingers of his right hand rubbed over Minhyuk’s nub in a circular motion. Taking Minhyuk’s left arm, leading his forearm to his warm lips, to caress the scars with soft kisses. “And I don’t think you’ll ever get an answer to it if you try to solve it like an equation.” His lips wandered higher again, making Minhyuk’s body shiver by the pure sensation of Hyungwon’s touch and his words caressing his skin like clouds of hot air. “As I told you before, it feels best when you’re losing control.” 

The last words made Minhyuk almost cling to Hyungwon, unaware of the impact his low, vibrant voice would have so close to his ear. Even if he wanted he would have been unable to solve any kind of task being so close to Hyungwon, feeling his naked body against his own, his hands wandering down his back and shamelessly over his butt and his sinful mouth forming words in a manner that turned his legs into jello. “You’re enjoying driving me crazy, aren’t you?”

  
  
“I do.” A wide smirk formed on Hyungwon’s full lips and his deep hazel brown eyes observed Minhyuk’s face, looking like he was somehow challenging him, waiting for him to stop holding back.

  
  
“Do you also enjoy losing yourself in me?” He didn’t avoid Hyungwon’s eyes, even when he felt a sudden nervousness rushing through him, closing his fingers around his boyfriend’s dick. Less to make sure that he was clean everywhere and more to touch him and make him feel good. It didn’t feel like some form of duty as it had when he was with Dongwoo, but like something he wanted and liked to do. Minhyuk wanted to see the pleasure in Hyungwon’s face, feel how his body responded to him, how he just gave in to him.

  
  
“I do.” Minhyuk heard him say, his voice suddenly lower and rough around the edges, making him bite his lower lip, unwilling to let the moment slide. 

“We might not have a cake and candles, but you still have your wish.” He used both his hands to spread the shower gel on Hyungwon’s growing erection, kneading his balls and circling his thumb over the prominent tip, feeling his own body reacting strongly due to his action. “And be assured, I’m willing to grant you any wish tonight,” Minhyuk said in a low, whispering voice, kissing Hyungwon’s lips and feeling his hands roaming aimlessly over his back before, stopping between their bodies to close his fingers around Minhyuk’s half-hard dick.

_You never wanted anyone so much._

Hyungwon seemed a bit slow to process Minhyuk’s words, while his hands were so eagerly stroking his dick. It wasn’t a secret that his boyfriend wanted to have sex with him, and right now Minhyuk really wanted him to say it, and be inside of him and as close to him as humanly possible. The thought of himself in a situation like this had always seemed hostile and unhealthy, and Minhyuk was positively surprised how good and right it could feel when two consensual partners were involved. He wanted to be with him, share his most vulnerable self with him, and he had never been so sure about anything before in his life.

“Fuck, are you sure about this?” Hyungwon gasped against his lips breathlessly, having understood clearly what Minhyuk was offering to him, moving his hand at the same pace Minhyuk’s hands around his dick did, catching his lips for more wet and intense kisses.

  
  
“We’re exploring, aren’t we?” Minhyuk hummed against Hyungwon’s delicate mouth, feeling confident and safe to explore this side of their relationship further, applying more pressure to Hyungwon’s rock-hard erection, and moaned as Hyungwon did the same. “Just tell me what you want.” The tension between them was overwhelming, like a volcano close to its outbreak, and it took all of Minhyuk’s willpower to keep them so close to the edge, waiting to give Hyungwon consent and provide him with the best first-time experience he was able to give.

“I want you. I really want to have sex with you.” Hyungwon’s voice sounded a bit unsteady and Minhyuk sure wasn’t less nervous, but he also knew by now that it didn’t need to be perfect as long as they trusted and gave in to each other completely.  
  


  
“And I want to do this with you and nobody else.” Once again their lips met for another heated kiss, and Minhyuk let go of Hyungwon’s dick to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, pressing his body closer against him, feeling his long arms embracing him once again. “Let’s dry up and go to bed,” he murmured breathlessly against Hyungwon’s lips but continued kissing him, too addicted to the taste and the bubbling feeling it caused inside his stomach. 

It was Hyungwon, who eventually turned the water down and pulled him out of the shower, for them to dry up, still very much aroused, when offering his concerns about an, in his opinion, obvious problem.“But we don’t even have condoms or anything for prep.”

“Well, about that,” Minhyuk cleared his throat, looking over his shoulder into Hyungwon’s confused face, silently asking if he had planned to do it with him all along. And while the answer to that question was _no_ , the truth didn’t make the situation any less awkward. “Bon-Hwa got you condoms and lube for your birthday, must’ve sneaked it into my backpack without my knowledge, and the note I gave you at the restaurant was attached to it.”

  
  
Hyungwon stopped rubbing his body with the towel, almost dropped it as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish underwater before eventually, a long sigh left him. “Gosh, she’s far too obsessed with me and my dick but this time I’m fucking grateful for it.”

  
  
_Yeah, me too._

Back into the room, cozy and warm thanks to the heating, Minhyuk fished the condoms and the lube out of his backpack, joining Hyungwon on the bed, which wasn’t as soft as the one they had at home but good enough to lay comfortably. 

Minhyuk’s fingers slowly traced over Hyungwon’s arm, aware of what they were going to do and who he was sharing this moment with, closing his eyes instantly as Hyungwon leaned in to kiss him, more slowly and deeper than in the shower, with his tongue licking into his mouth effortlessly, pushing all remaining worries and his bad experiences aside to make room for something new. 

Slowly, Minhyuk sank onto the mattress, pulling the younger boy with him, and flush against his body, wrapping his long legs around him, without parting the kiss. With their tongues dancing in sync, he felt Hyungwon’s right hand on his thigh, kneading it while bringing their groins closer together, resulting in a breathless moan that was swallowed between their lips. 

There was no better feeling than Hyungwon’s warm, naked skin on his own, the way his muscles contracted underneath his fingers, his passionate kisses making him feel almost drunk and the sensation of his big hands all over him, leaving him bathing in pleasure only. 

“Minhyuk…” Hyungwon gasped against his mouth, licking over his bottom lip, his eyes so dark and filled with arousal, leaning down to place hot kisses on Minhyuk’s chest, burning like fire. His right nub vanished between those plush lips, teased by his skillful tongue, before moving on to the other side, making Minhyuk’s body shiver as sweet moans filled the room.

“Oh, fuck, Hyungwon,” Minyhuk whined in surprise as Hyungwon’s trail of kisses had led him down between his legs, only to wrap his fingers around his dick, stroking him lazily. His velvety tongue licking over the sensitive tip and letting it slip into his wet mouth, sucking on him intently. Unlike Dongwoo, Hyungwon hadn’t hesitated to give him a blowjob for the first time, enjoying himself pleasuring Minhyuk with those full lips that indeed felt like heaven. He buried his fingers in Hyungwon’s long black hair, his eyes rolling back, overwhelmed by the waves of pleasure gathering between his legs.

“You taste so damn good,” Hyungwon hummed against the tip of his dick, placing another kiss on it, his hand still moving up and down his shaft, having his other hand reach out for the bottle of lube next to them.

Minhyuk couldn’t believe how calm the younger boy appeared. Calm but excited like a little boy who went on a great adventure, and he was with him every step along the way, sharing the rush and excitement. Without hesitation, he spread his legs wider for his boyfriend, giving him full access to prepare him, his cheeks flushed and glassy-eyed, biting down his bottom lip. To his surprise, instead of preparing him right away sitting between his legs, Hyungwon came back up to place soft kisses on his lips, pulling him with, so they laid side by side, wrapping one of Minhyuk’s legs around his slim hip, increasing the proximity of their bodies.  
  


He felt Hyungwon’s arms around him, his hands sliding down his spine, and eventually his fingers between his buttcheeks, slowly circling around his entrance, taking his sweet time to get a feeling for his body, while placing open-mouthed kisses on his neck. Hyungwon’s hot breath on his skin, so close to his ear made Minhyuk already lose his mind until he felt the first finger slip inside of him without resistance. 

The lightest touches made his body tremble and he couldn’t recall ever feeling that way before, having someone taking such great care of him, preparing him in such an intimate and careful way instead of ignoring his needs completely. And it didn’t take long for him to slowly move his hips against Hyungwon’s finger, welcoming the second one with a loud gasp which made his toes curl, only fueling his arousal and desperation to finally have his boyfriend inside of him. 

  
  
“God, I want you so much,” Hyungwon sounded breathless, pulling him closer to get more friction from the motions of their bodies, his dick twitching against Minhyuk’s stomach as he pushed his slender fingers deeper, curling them inside of Minhyuk, who felt his muscles were relaxed enough. Besides, he was also unwilling to wait any longer.

  
  
He reached out for the younger boy’s face to clash their lips together. “Fuck me, please. Hyungwon, I want to feel all of you inside of me.”

Hyungwon’s words were choked inside his throat and he didn’t waste any more time, pulling his fingers out of him before reaching for the package of condoms to take one of them out, kneeling between Minhyuk’s spread legs. “Dammit.” Even the rush of excitement couldn’t hide the nervousness of Hyungwon experiencing his first time with him, his hands trembling and failing miserably to open the foil of the condom.

  
  
“Let me,” Minhyuk whispered, sitting up to take the condom from him, occupying his mind by licking into his mouth, keeping his tongue and lips busy while rolling the condom over his hard erection, covering it with lube, and giving it a few strokes to relax Hyungwon’s mind even more, so he could focus all his senses on the pleasure they were about to share, instead of thinking about any expectations he might have on him.

  
  
Laying down on the bed again, Minhyuk pulled his boyfriend with him, spreading his legs wide, drowning in arousal of feeling the familiar pressure of the firm tip against his entrance, followed by the rest of Hyungwon’s firm length bridging the resistance of his muscles slowly and carefully until he was all the way inside of him. 

“Fuck, Minhyuk, you’re so tight,” Hyungwon left out a faltering exhale against his neck, and Minhyuk felt like he was passing out. He could feel his muscles contracting around him, feeling so incredibly full, his mind just colored in white, unable to process how good it felt to have the younger boy inside of him, be so close to him, unable to even recall the way he had been treated before.

  
“Please move, you feel so good,” Minhyuk whispered after they had both adjusted to their bodies being connected, kissing over Hyungwon’s cheek, wrapping his arms around him. He whined in pleasure against Hyungwon’s mouth as the younger boy started to roll his hips instinctively, testing the waters in slow but deep movements.

There were simply no words left for Minhyuk to describe the way it felt having Hyungwon inside of him, and there was no use in it anyway. Hyungwon’s unbothered sounds of pleasure left his curved lips, whenever he thrust his hips forward burying his dick faster and harder in his tight hole, making Minhyuk only want more, feel more, begging it would never end. 

His body felt like burning up, and he closed his legs around Hyungwon’s slim hips, pulling him deeper inside and moving his body to the blissful rhythm they created. Minhyuk couldn’t help his moans turning louder, unbothered that other guests might hear them. His mind was too blurred, praising the way Hyungwon made him feel, only getting pulled deeper into an endless vortex of the burning sensation of pleasure ready to consume him whole. 

Hyungwon’s arms held him tightly, their lips melting into breathless kisses, when a sudden scream left Minhyuk’s mouth when Hyungwon hit that sweet spot inside of him, turning his whole body into a quivering mess, his toes curling by the sheer intensity that seemed far too much and yet not enough. 

“Hyungwon, right there,” Minhyuk whimpered, throwing his head back into the pillow, focusing all his senses where their bodies were connected, couldn’t recall that Dongwoo had ever made him feel that way.

“You feel so good and hot inside,” Hyungwon groaned against his neck, his voice so deep and masculine, softly nibbling on his skin, adjusting his motions, fucking him faster and rougher, aiming for Minhyuk’s sweet spot over and over again. The sounds their bodies created with every thrust only made him shiver, fueling the arousal and pleasure, leading to Minhyuk’s orgasm building up inexorably. 

The movements of Hyungwon’s hips didn’t pause even for a second, and Minhyuk felt his blood boiling, rushing through his veins with every hard thrust, his own legs only pulling his boyfriend deeper inside, making him scream in pleasure. Minhyuk felt like he was going to explode any moment, his eyes rolling back and his nails clawing into Hyungwon’s hips when the dizziness consumed him whole as he came untouched between their bodies. 

An ocean of fireworks exploded behind his closed eyelids, his legs shaking uncontrollably, making him feel like he touched a piece of heaven. The ongoing movements of Hyungwon’s hips, chasing his own orgasm, made his body shake in oversensitivity, allowing him to ride the wave of pleasure a little while longer.

He felt Hyungwon’s erection twitching inside of him, hearing him inhaling sharply and holding his breath, burying himself balls-deep inside of him when he reached his climax. 

For a moment, only their faltered breaths could be heard, chests rising and falling in irregular motion, the air filled with the smell of sex. 

“I love you, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon mumbled against his neck, still sounding short of breath, his eyes darker than Minhyuk had ever seen them before, the expression on his face filled with bliss and affection. 

“I love you too, Hyungwon,” Minhyuk whispered, a soft smile on his lips as he brushed his nose over Hyungwon’s before kissing his lips tenderly, enjoying the moment of having his boyfriend inside a while longer, being as close to him as possible.

They separated for a moment so Hyungwon could get rid of the used condom and Minhyuk could clean up, before they crawled under the warm blanket, holding each other close. Neither of them bothered with putting on fresh clothes and Minhyuk welcomed the sensation of Hyungwon’s warm skin on his own, tangling his limbs around his boyfriend like an octopus.

“I always imagined sex could feel good but you just blew my mind.” In his previous relationship, there hadn’t been any healthy way of communication, before, during, or after the sex, but with Hyungwon there was no shameful feeling afterward, no pain or regret for having participated in something he didn’t want. Minhyuk felt good in his own skin, about the intimacy and love he shared with Hyungwon, and it gave him the impression that he came one step closer to more fulfillment in his life.

“It was just unreal, and I’m glad that it was you I shared this first time with,” Hyungwon hummed, a warm smile painting his curved lips, eyes so full of affection, and his warm palms caressing over Minhyuk’s body underneath the blanket, keeping him as close as possible. “And I’m looking forward to all the other times to come.” He grinned, placing a kiss on the tip of Minhyuk’s nose, making him blush.

  
  
“You bet there will be a next time,” he mumbled. “Nobody ever made me come untouched. You’re not only insanely handsome, but you also got a magic dick.” A sigh left his lips and it made them both burst into laughter.

“I wonder,” Hyungwon said after a moment of silence, drawing various shapes with his fingers on his back, placing a soft kiss on Minhyuk’s shoulder before speaking again. “I was thinking about this for a while now, and I was wondering if you’d like to move to Seoul with me, you know, for a fresh start.” 

Minhyuk opened his eyes widely, hadn’t he expected such a question from him - not that he had any objections or doubts moving to a new place with him, besides their lack of money maybe. They lived comfortably in Hyungwon’s tiny apartment, but living in Seoul would be far more expensive and Minhyuk wondered if they would be able to even find a job to finance a basic lifestyle.

  
  
“I’d go anywhere with you,” he said, placing one of his hands on Hyungwon’s cheek, tracing his thumb over it. “But how are we supposed to do this? What about Bon-Hwa and Takumi?” They were Hyungwon’s family, his safe space and he wondered if he could just leave them behind like this.

“They’re both going to New Zealand to study next year. And we don’t have to rush this, of course, and make a plan. I’ll get parts of my heritage when I turn nineteen, and we can save up in the meantime. I think there’s more for us out there than what we have and spending the day with you here in Seoul only strengthened the wish to build something new. Something that belongs to both of us. We’re strong enough to overcome hardships together, I do not doubt that and I want to do this with you.” 

Hyungwon must have thought about it a lot, assumingly even before Minhyuk had stepped into his life, but now he wanted to take Minhyuk with him to start a new chapter as a couple. And if he was truly honest with himself, he wasn’t dismissive of the idea to leave the memories of Dongwoo behind and challenge himself with new goals, taking chances to grow beyond what he thought was possible. Everything he had built with Hyungwon, had seemed impossible at first, and yet here he was, no scar and imperfection left uncovered, and closely entangled with the boy he loved and who loved him back unconditionally, talking about their future together. 

_It’s everything you ever wanted._

“Let’s do it. Next year we’re moving to Seoul,” he said with a bright smile, kissing his boyfriend's lips, feeling confident like never before, that he had finally reached the bright side of life.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to update this fic. It was really important to me to create an intimate atmosphere for their first time and not write it down half-heartedly. So, I really hope you've enjoyed this chapter! There's only a short epilogue left :}
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm always happy to read your comments ❤️
> 
> Find me on:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of endings and new beginnings.

A nice warm breeze was greeting him when he opened the windows caressing his face with soft strokes like a thumb of a lover over his cheek. The sun was shining bright high up in the cloudless blue sky, announcing the upcoming summer. 

It was the perfect day to move, leaving behind the old, shedding the skin of the past to make room for growth and new possibilities. 

A little over a year had passed since Minhyuk and Hyungwon decided to move to Seoul. Now that the day had finally arrived, it left Minhyuk surprised how fast the days, weeks, and months had gone by, filled with the excitement of working toward a new milestone in his life. It made a significant difference in spending the time of his life in a toxic and unhealthy environment or a loving caring one he experienced with Hyungwon and his friends every day. 

The small apartment looked way bigger without the furniture, and the walls stripped bare where Hyungwon's posters had hung. It had never been much, to begin with, but Minhyuk would miss it somehow - the small, almost invisible place his life had changed for the better, hidden for the eyes of outsiders and the next tenant, who would make this small room their new home. Only the ghost of Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s story would hide in the walls until it was forgotten and only a mere whisper of the wind crawling underneath the doors.

He would miss the old lady as well, who had given him a chance when nobody else did, always believing in him, supporting his dreams, comforting him like his own mother never could. Although he wouldn't work for her anymore, it wasn't goodbye forever. Minhyuk would come to visit her once Hyungwon and he settled into their new place, sitting excited on the sofa in her living room over cake and tea to tell her everything about his new adventures.

Their new apartment wasn’t luxurious, and by far too expensive compared to the old one but it had a bigger kitchen and an extra room, so they could finally separate the living room from the bedroom to settle down in a more comfortable shoebox in Seoul. Thanks to their savings and one part of Hyungwon’s heritage they would be able to get by for a few months until they found new jobs that hopefully paid enough to cover their rent and living expenses. 

Currently, Hyungwon and Takumi were dragging the sofa down the stairs to load it into the small truck they had rented to move all their belongings to their new home. Despite Hyungwon’s slender body, he didn’t have any problems transporting the heavy boxes - which was kind of sexy if Minhyuk was being honest.

"Min, can you lend me a hand?" Bon-Hwa said loud enough for half the neighborhood to hear and Minhyuk could only shake his head with a smile on his lips, walking over to the bathroom, thinking about how much he was going to miss her presence. Even though their paths wouldn’t part forever their lives would develop in different directions from now on, leaving shared stories on the phone and for times they would all reunite, matured and grown but always connected by the strong thread of their hearts.

“Here, look through this if you want to keep it or not. God, you guys have no sense for cleaning and order. How do you survive at all?” She placed a small box into his arms filled with all kinds of expired cosmetics and odds and ends she collected all over the apartment. Hyungwon was probably not even aware of possessing any of the box’s contents - and to be fair Minhyuk hadn’t even seen most of the containers in all those months they were living together. 

_Where did she even find these?_

“I don’t think Hyungwon is going to miss any of them.” Minhyuk took a closer look at the children’s toothpaste wondering what had inspired his boyfriend to buy these in the first place. Right from the beginning, it had never been an issue for any of them to express their peculiarities so freely around each other, was just flowing naturally without having to fear the judgment of the other person and Minhyuk couldn’t imagine a life without seeing Hyungwon’s smile, bickering with him like children or enjoying the warmth of his body against his own. 

Unexpectedly, a certain object inside the box caught Minhyuk off guard resulting in a short moment of shock stumbling upon the past like that, flooding his mind with memories of the circumstances that the cutter was there in the first place, telling a story of a life that appeared to be so far away all of a sudden.

He hadn’t thought of it in such a long time, hadn’t questioned its whereabouts, thought that Hyungwon had thrown it out back in the day. But there it was, the boxcutter he used to punish himself with when the world and his feelings were breaking over him like tossing ocean waves, dragging him further offshore and deeper into the pitch-black, frightening unknown.

“I was wondering why you keep a boxcutter in the bathroom, it was well hidden, though.” Bon-Hwa’s words sounded distant all of a sudden and Minhyuk’s fingers felt clammy around the handle of the tool in his hand so familiar, and almost like a friend standing by his side when love and affection had slid through his fingers like fine grains of sand.

_But now it feels strange._

The memories of the boy who wanted to be loved, feeling so helpless in this world more often than not, without the perspective of hope that it would change anytime soon no matter how often he tried to walk down the sunny meadow of his fairy tales, cut through the present moment. 

_Does it even affect you anymore?_

Minhyuk had never heard from his mother ever since that day she had told him not to come home anymore, and not even once had he tried to reach out again, made peace with the fact that a bond of blood wasn’t a promise for warmth, home, and unconditional love. The same applied to Dongwoo, who had made him believe that a relationship with him was better than being alone. Neither of them had been able to embrace him, showing him the love and compassion he always wanted, drowning him in misery. For far too long he had believed that he was at fault, that there was an invisible mark on him labeling him as unloveable, forsaken to endure the abuse that came with false affection. 

Nevertheless, the process had taken time and hadn’t been an easy one. Minhyuk had wanted to hate them, wishing for karma to take revenge and restore balance. There had been upsetting setbacks, times where Hyungwon needed to remind him of their goal, turning the frightening shadows into bumps in the road.  
  
  


The shame and hate he had felt for his past were like drinking thick poison, always hoping for the other person to die, and letting it all go was probably one of the hardest things he’s ever done. Besides deciding against his old life to make room for a more suitable one filled with actual joy. He had come to terms with the truth, that it had always been his choice alone how he wanted to live. The only question had been how much he was willing to sacrifice and give up for happiness?

Looking back at his younger self, who believed so strongly that there was something fundamentally wrong with him, made him realize how his surroundings had mirrored his beliefs back at him. He had never been at fault for his parents’ inability to love him, nurture and protect him as parents should do, and it had never been his responsibility to convince them.

_How could it have ever been your fault? You weren’t asked to be born._

The circle went on, with him projecting the role of a savior and knight in shining armor into a romantic partner, his desperation growing so strong and unbearable that he was ready to sacrifice his entire being for a tiny piece of the romanticized illusion of being in a relationship.

Not even once had he dared to take a hard look at his own reflection, too scared to discover that there was no special ability needed to be loved by another person, that he was complete as he was, able to change his life at any time for the better if he was just brave enough to show up for himself every single day. He hadn’t seen himself as a whole person for so long, felt that he was lacking compared to other, happier, people when the truth was that he had looked for love and affection at the wrong place all along.

_Doesn’t happiness mean different things to different people after all?_

The moment Hyungwon stepped into his life so unexpectedly, neither of them had anything left to hide or any games to play, and it hadn’t been glamorous like the perfect scene in a romance movie. Neither of them had even a specific outcome in mind when they exchanged numbers back in the club. And when Minhyuk first called Hyungwon asking for help ready to leave it all behind without having really lived, hope was born again like silvery moonlight chasing the darkness away.

That night when he was falling, Hyungwon squeezed his hand under the cold shower, holding him close in his arms, their limbs entangled as one, transforming the sharpness and destruction of a blade into a painting of a rose inked under his skin flourishing ever since.

  
  
How easy it had been to share their gains and losses, the happiness and sorrow that had shaped them to who they were today, allowing them to breathe as the sweetness of their vulnerability allowed them to finally express their true colors to each other. There was no judgment, no fear, no codependency but room for growth, and the knowledge that they could count on each other blindly. 

_Because you truly love him and he loves you._

Minhyuk had never imagined his life turning out the way it did, and the influence he had on Hyungwon and vice versa, though the outcome was more than he could have ever wished for and he couldn’t be more grateful to be alive.

_No, it doesn’t affect you anymore._

He hummed, welcoming the calmness inside his chest, knowing that he could look back on all the experiences that shaped him without getting dragged down the rabbit hole again.

  
  
“Hey, Min, what’s going on? Is it something important to you?” Minhyuk looked up and into Bon-Hwa’s worried face, didn’t even know how long he had looked at the object in his hand before he shook his head with a smile.

  
  
“Nah, it’s from the past. I won’t need it where I go,” he said and threw the cutter into the trash with the rest of the box’s contents.

With the last box and the trash, Bon-Hwa left the apartment and Minhyuk took one last look around the empty room, his footsteps cutting through the silence.

_It’s time to say goodbye and welcome a new chapter._

He turned around when the front door opened again and his tall boyfriend walked into the apartment, brushing his silky black hair back, revealing the piercing in his full eyebrow and his prominent forehead. Needless to say that he would never get tired of the view. 

“Ready to go?” Hyungwon asked, coming to hold next to him, his hand resting softly on Minhyuk’s hip as he looked around for a moment as well, satisfied and in great anticipation.

“Yeah, let’s go,” he said excitedly, taking Hyungwon’s hand to drag him out of the apartment, leaving behind their cheerful laughter echoing through the apartment when they closed the door behind them forever.

  
  
He didn’t know what the future was holding for them and how their story would end but he knew that he wanted to kiss Hyungwon every day, feel his arms around him when they fell asleep, and be greeted by his sleepy face first thing in the morning. Minhyuk wanted to be with him, cry and laugh with him and show him how much he loved him in any way possible.  
  


  
They found love in the most hopeless place when hope had seemed to run out, healing their hearts in ways Minhyuk had considered never possible, leading them into the moonlight where they could finally embrace their full reflections.

  
  
The other side of each other.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up beautiful people? We've finally come to an end. I'm so thankful for your support and comments along the way. ❤️ 
> 
> This clearly has been a journey for the characters and me as well. A lot has changed for me while writing this fic and I wanted this to be an encouragement to everyone who might need it, showing that there is hope and the possibility of change and it all starts within all of us. 
> 
> There might be a second part to this story so it connects with Anna's disgustingly fluffy kiho fic, which inspired me to write this story in the first place (please go and check her beautiful fics out!) [check here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23802559/chapters/57185221)  
> Thank you so much Anna for everything! And, of course, Mari who supported me so much and screamed into my docs until the end. I love you both and this wouldn't have been possible without you, so this story is a gift for the both of you! ❤️
> 
> Find me on:  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


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